Swear it all over again

Does it ring any bells? I got to writing about it after listening to Swear it Again by Westlife on repeat. I also happened to watch The Vow, around the same time, so my mind was a little boggled with the idea, concept, theme; whatever explains it well.

Yes, I'm a girl and no matter how strong I put myself forth as, it's very difficult for me to get over the only love I've had in my life. That forehead I loved to kiss, that nose I wanted to bite, those cheeks I enjoyed caressing, that chest I found my refuge in, those arms extended strength to me; that presence I enjoyed, looking at those distracted eyes; his blush when I didn't stop looking at him. He wasn't cheesy but his every gesture, every word had me floored. Not sure if it was the age or he was actually in love with me that had me hooked to him. Not that I want him back but I miss all the things I've had in life and lost it all in a moment of disrespect.

Another side of story is that we reserve irritating mannerisms, itches and most careless words for those closest to us. Letting the guard down shouldn't translate to rudeness and lack of sensitivity. Nobody should be treated as an extension of yourself, expected to understand and tolerate your irritable behaviour. Love, when found, should be caressed, nurtured, taken care of; not to be taken for granted but respected.

The below quote from Midnight in Paris (2011), makes me want to fall in love again. Makes me wish to find a man who's brave enough to make that passionate love to me, where he loses all fear.

"There is nothing noble about dying in mud unless you die gracefully, then it's not only noble but brave. Don't be scared of dying because that's what all men before you have done and all men will do. Have you ever made love to a truly great woman; when you make love to her, you feel true and beautiful passion and for at least that moment lose your fear of death. Love that is true and real, creates a rest from death; all cowardice coming from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. Man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters; it is because their love was sufficient passion to push the fear of death out of their minds until they return as sworn men and then you must make really good love again."

Self exploration

If you are feeling unhappy and miserable, know this for certain that it can be changed. You don't deserve such bad experiences. Do not pay much attention to your thoughts, focus more on the fountain of happiness and joy residing within. You will discover this ocean of bliss within if you wholeheartedly seek for it. Go dive into it right now. Life is full of twists and turns. We have to be prepared for the worst and yet have complete faith that one small turn of event can swing everything back in your favor.

"We all fear death and question our place in universe; the artist's job is not to come as despair but to come up with an antidote for this emptiness of existence; don't be a defeatist." - Midnight in Paris, 2011

The only place you can go to for excitement and for sparking innovation is within your mind. Develop a passion and keep the mind engaged, it elevates life from ordinary into the realm of extraordinary. Artists are like children; I'm not an artist, I just struggle to write my thoughts down when it bothers me inside. Sharing your inner thoughts leaves you vulnerable to judgements and outer validations and discouragements. It's a feeling like you took off your clothes to feel comfortable, like a child but what people do to you to shame you in any respect; makes you uncomfortable and it's too late for you to cover yourself back up.

"When you stand against what you believe is right and they ask you to move, plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye and tell them no, you move." - Captain America: Civil War, 2016

Giving in is not an option, in fact never an option. In this self quest, we come across hurdles put up by our own people and it gets so difficult fighting them, fighting for what means to you because they are not willing to understand what's beyond general notion; there always will be a gap that they will never let you bridge on purpose. It feels like standing against your own world.

"Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword. On one side of that sword, there lies convention and tradition and order, where all is correct. But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion.' Nothing follows a regular course. Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will be more perilous." - Virginia Woolf, quoted in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

In my self exploration, I've realized that people think they can take me for a ride and they do; not because they can, because I let them. Love me or hate me but you can't get me out of your head. You give me cold and I'll make sure to return the favor with icy cold.

"I'm not suffering, I'm struggling." - Still Alice, 2014

This one has a lot of quotes but each tells my state of mind and portrays my thoughts much better than my own ability to portray them.

(With inputs from Times)

Power of thoughts

Our thoughts have a huge impact on our lives. There's a  reason why Paulo Coelho said, "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
Our thoughts are positive about what we want so all the energy around us, starts working towards making it happen for you. There are so many things in my life that happened as a result of my thoughts, because I see no other rationale behind them happening.

I thought of our breakup and how strongly will I deal with it and it happened; we broke up under circumstances I couldn't go on with; so had to be strong, without a tear ever, smiling; not that it didn't affect me but I couldn't share the reason with anyone . None of my friends got to know about it for about 2 years. I don't believe I would have let it happen otherwise, considering the kind of person I was back then. I was hungry for love which was fulfilled by him, though my need for self respect and dignity took over and we parted ways.

I thought of working with the company that's located not too far from his workplace, which in turn isn't far from his home; and I did end up in that company after multiple rejections.

On a smaller scale, I had an intuition that I'll end up wearing a clumsy saree with curls in my hair to my friend's sister's wedding; and that took shape. Also, I didn't want to go to the stage and somehow unrealistically wanted her to come to our table to meet Mom; and she did.

Probably that's the reason, most of my dreams also come true. Some of them really scare me because they show me what's unknown at the time and it makes sense as the time passes and it turns into reality. For example, when I had a dream of us parting ways, I saw that he has also started working(he started after me, which also lead to a lot of clashes) and has turned ignorant towards me, even when I tell him that I'm hurt, he's occupied with a new colleague until I eventually decide to move on and he still didn't flinch. We never had a chance to explore each other's workplace or get to know each other's colleagues; though when I see his pictures today, I see that girl from my dream in real, with him. Call me a psycho!

What really scares me is what I've been thinking these days. I think of a failed marriage or worse a life alone. I have a feeling that everyone will only benefit from me and eventually go away. Sometimes I also think of having someone around me, who'll take care of me but will never be mine. Thus I always keep myself distant from everyone so I don't get attached to them; because they will all walk away and I'll only hurt myself every time someone walks out.

I definitely see myself as a strong person who will deal with all of it very sternly; however not having someone to share that piece of cake with, in the middle of night, is indeed an idea enough to shake my being.

Every day, when I reach home from work, I decide to sleep before the sun comes up but I can sleep not until the sun has risen giving me not hope but despair of having lost my moment, having missed the dark sky to sleep under my fairy lights. Under all that pessimism, it's very hard to find positivity; when you only have vultures flying over you, waiting for that opportunity to take a piece of you, it's very difficult to believe in the light of love that might guide you home.

Does it make a negative person or a realistic one because I see through people and situations. Answer to it is not an easy one, though giving up is not an option. Belief in love will get it through me, eventually, hopefully...

Need to be liked

Getting accepted and liked is the basic human necessity since childhood. A kid continues to act in a particular manner when their acts are found amusing, accepted and appreciated; from scoring well to eating nicely, speaking well and wearing neat clothes. An adolescent looks for acceptance by their rebellious nature; an adult finds solace in being accepted by their choice of career, choice of partner and these days, even the way they get married; if they followed the same pattern as everyone else. Isn't it what we carry on till our last breath, only choosing to do what makes us acceptable; always conscious of the reactions by others. Always looking for validation of our existence and our life's worth from others, always seeking approvals.

Had Einstein and Newton worried about what people would say or looked for outward validation, they wouldn't have made the discoveries they did. They overcame this need and thus were the real achievers.

We want to feel needed to feel worthy. Creating a need in others is only a way of justifying one's own existence, if such a justification is needed. Partners are happiest creating dependencies (needs!) rather than liberating each other. Everyone nurtures the desire to create needs that make them feel useful; it is a part of searching for a purposeful life.

It is more important to accept yourself as who you are and taking off the image that you have worn for the world. Accepting yourself means happier and more satisfied you. Then, neither will you be fishing out for something nor will you only be liked but respected. No matter how you change yourself as per others' defined set of rules, the world will still admire the one who marches to his own drum and maintains his dignity.

Humans are social animals and it is almost inevitable to eliminate this need to be liked and accepted, but the insanity to have a specific kind of beauty and habits signify insecurity. Attract people by your wisdom, morals, knowledge and principles rather than shallow acts that people can see through. Stay true to yourself and maintain your self respect; it will attract the greatest regard of all. It may seem natural that we value others' opinion about ourselves, some of us are obsessed with what others think. The person you really are may be hidden within the layers you have built over the years for how people perceive you or how you want to be perceived.

Often, passive people try to avoid confrontation or embarrassment. They want others to like them, so they treat others' needs and wants as more important than their own. But behaving passively can lead to feelings of frustration and helplessness in the long run. So, whereas an assertive person sticks up for his rights, a passive person is more likely to keep quiet or even accept being pushed around. This desire or want to be a part of something is more often a result of denial early in life. Not living to your true self can do more harm than good, hence try not to lose yourself in the stride.

I'd had read somewhere that the most important driving force for a woman is to be loved, appreciated and respected for what she is, so imagine this force mixed with a need to be desired due to earlier neglect, can be dangerous for herself. While some may come out of it more beautiful and more powerful, with no regard to how people see them; instead they give people something to look up to.

Self-motivated people do not feel a similar compulsion  to create need banks. In fact they would have created needs for themselves due to their commitment. Creating that need is not a motivator for them, they consider it more important to be useful rather than needed.

To achieve higher self esteem one needs to move focus from others to one's own self, from outside to within. Others' opinion for you becomes irrelevant but that doesn't imply that you don't care for others; you simply don't give any regard to what impacts your true self.

"The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages." - Virginia Woolf

Self worth

What is one's self worth? Does it depend on how people see you or how you see yourself? Is it based on how people assess you or how you assess yourself?

Who or what contributes the most when calculating self worth? Is it the world, the family or your own self?

As a kid I had an almost negligible self worth. Youngest kid to your parents but not in the family, which leaves one in the middle of nowhere. Neither are you as loved as the elder ones or as pampered as the younger ones because you are last to your parents but not the first or the last for the rest of the family.

A very hard to please father. Mother who never spoke up for herself, how would you expect her to take a stand for you. Near perfect sisters and cousins who are spoilt with love.

My sisters were beautiful, obedient, created spectacular art pieces, multitaskers, helped with household chores, good with academics, had so many friends and were always appreciated and loved in the family.

On the contrary, I have always been the ugliest in the family; always went against what my parents wanted me to do; sucked as as artist; could never complete on task at hand with perfection; didn't want to get involved in chores; didn't enjoy studying because I wasn't appreciated when I thought I did good; in the name of friends, I only had bullies. I had too much to live up to in terms of what my sisters had benchmarked. I could never match up to them. Even today they are all married and have kids like my parents decided for them, whereas I haven't given in yet.

Being the youngest, I was raised with expectations of being a rocket scientist and I put everything in trash when I failed to get admission in any of the engineering colleges. Now that all the expectations were gone, I kept it ignited when instead of giving up everything I chose computer applications as my field of study. I started working as a software developer, something my parents could at least boast about, however I didn't fail at disappointing them again. I gave it up to get into BPO industry and try my luck as a communication coach. After struggling for over 4 years, now that I have what I wanted to achieve, my parents are the most disappointed because I'm 28.5, struggling professionally, working in night shifts, still ugly and single. As per Indian code of conduct for girls, I should have been married with at least 1 kid, like my sisters did, obediently, unlike me who is still fighting against it.

When I was dating a guy in college, and it continued after college was over, I thought I had found the love of my life until I  disappointed him too by following what I wanted, by not going with the flow with him, by fighting for what I wanted for myself instead of what he wanted for us. He even tried to discipline me, and I only moved away because I didn't want to be disciplined like a dog. I see myself as a human and he saw dogs superior to humans so I had no value to add in his life. I lost him every time I decided to explore something for myself; every time I forgot that I had to think for 'us' instead of 'me'.

In fact I don't add value to anyone's life, people only come to me, to take what they want and then vanish; if they don't get what they wanted, they'll go away after thrashing my self. I've always been told that I'm mean and care the least of what people need from me and only buried in what I want for myself.

Today, I may be happy for giving myself what I want, for working towards what I like, for exploring my sexuality, for not worrying about what people think of me or expect from me.

All of it me has made me what I am today. I'm not a family person, I don't like to attend family get-togethers, I can spend my days alone, not talking to anyone or sharing what's bothering me inside.

It's not that I  don't care about my people, I try to make myself available every time they want me to be there, when they expect me to do something for them, when it's time to return what I owe them. I just tend to be inclined towards not compromising on my happiness anymore. For I have learnt that no matter what you do for people (friends, family, love), you'll always disappoint them when you decide to dedicate a day to self.

Hence, I may not hold any value on days I fail to fulfil their expectations because I chose my need over theirs; but I'll always see my worth even when I decide to put my needs aside to make my people happy.

To conclude, I'd say that your self worth isn't calculated by how much you're loved because that changes with your attitude towards how you prioritize their needs with yours; it depends on how much value do you add to someone's life, their dependence or rather reliance on you, when they look up to you for anything in their life that originates in you or moves through you.

Happy Living!!

Who needs love?!

Who needs love when you can get sex, free of commitment or fake promises
Who needs someone to go out with; when you enjoy your own company
Who needs someone to take you out for dinner when you can treat yourself anytime you want
I don't need someone to make me feel good when I can pamper myself!

I don't have to wait for anyone to accompany me for a movie
No scope for disappointment when a promise is forgotten
No one gets enough power on you to take you for granted
No one gets priority over yourself, your family and your dreams

But do we not need a partner to share it all with?
Someone you can share a laugh with, share your silence with
Someone who makes your success worthwhile and praises you for your achievements
Someone who is as happy for you as you are, for yourself

That someone gives a meaning to your smile
Gives you a reason to come back home to
Does that mean that love is selfless?
If that's so, we can never find love in this mean selfish world

Do we really have to be selfless to feel purity of one's being?
Can't we be with someone while keeping our Self intact!
Maintain the dignity we grew up with and what we aspired for
Have what we need and give what's needed, without any compromises

Aren't we all selfish but still looking for That selfless love
I don't know what it takes to find that someone
But if and when I find it, I'll nurture and worship it
Will do all in my capacity to make it a mutual affair, in all RESPECTs!!

Ultimate goal

Even the eventual ultimate goal of our lives is decided by the preset codes of the society. For a guy, it has to be career, success and money. While in this stereotypical society, a girl's life revolves around getting a suitable match for marriage; a guy who is settled as per society's norms.

Why can't a girl choose to prioritize her career, choose not to get married at all, choose to fulfill her dreams and aspirations?

When a guy looks at a luxury car, he's seen as a car frenzy, someone who's aspiring to own it but when a girl admires an expensive car, she's a gold digger because all that she has to do to own that car is marry someone who either has it or can buy it for her.

I don't want to settle down with a guy who earns decent and is either a virgin, desperate to finally have legal (non-objectionable to society and family) sex after getting married and would only look at his wife as a prospective sex partner, wherein rest of her and her issues would come later; or a non-virgin expecting a virgin wife (typical societal norm). And they both would expect me to stay home, be a modest home-maker, bear their children and only crib sitting in front of the television while chopping my veggies and cursing vamps from the daily soaps. He would expect me to take care of his family and the chances are negligible that he would treat my family the way I will be treating his. He is very likely to go to gym and motivate me too until we are married and stuck together forever; once that's done, it only ends up with being taken for granted for the rest of the life.

I want to be financially independent, free-willed, still be able to party with my girl friends, hangout with my own family, take care of my parents, spend time with my siblings, know his friends and not just be a sex-slave who's seen as a child bearing machine and a maid and still be smiling when he comes home "tired" from work. I want to be respected, loved, taken care of, just how my parents raised me. If I can't cook or clean, he should pitch in to help and support; just like he never had to do it or learn how to do it, I didn't learn it either (until my maids ran away!). I want to be me! I do not want to lose my identity.

I read an article about how differently men and women are portrayed on our TV and books when they wake up in the morning after a one-night stand. A guy is described as a super cool carefree dude who may not even remember the girl's name in the morning, will leave once he's up and get a coffee or another drink when leaving, feeling all refreshed and bearing that "Casanova" image. On the other hand, a woman wakes up with regrets and full of guilt, unable to brush off the "ugly" thoughts of the previous night, cursing themselves for letting it happen, for giving in and even feeling "slutty".

The other day I was talking to a friend about  how our mothers are quick learners when it comes to new touch screen phones while our fathers are a bit tad slow with grasping the technology. And I couldn't help my impulsive feminist thoughts to interfere. I generalized it putting it as: why men aren't quick learners while women are? Puzzled, my friend couldn't understand the context but I had to continue anyway.

I proceeded saying that men in this society aren't open to learning from the young or the fairer sex. Whereas, women are open to changes, learning and it's because they are not blocked to accepting things and have always been open to take in. They have always been following men or other powerful ladies in the family or society and have always made to feel incomplete without a man in their life to support them. On the other hand, men are used to  supremacy so  much that it's embedded in their genes now and they just can't seem to accept the fact  that there's something that they lack and can use outside help to fulfill it. They are not as open to changes, adapting and accepting things different from how they see it.

All these things only point towards our highly male chauvinist society. Even with the rise of feminism, and a whole world of awakening towards women rights, we have a long way to go. This change is not sudden but even women seem a little too suppressed to accept it.

I want a family too but my aspirations are different and I'm afraid that I might just ruin it because I do not personify the ideal homely woman as defined by our society. I don't have to stay at home, clean dishes, do laundry and raise children to be a successful homemaker. I can still make a home with the help of a supportive partner. It doesn't have to be a woman's duty alone while both make a home. Why does it have to be a woman to take care of the house and man who gets to go out, have a career, party with friends and groom himself. Why can't they both have a career, friends, parties and responsibilities towards home and kids.

My ultimate goal is not to marry a rich guy, I want to buy my own stuff but I want my partner to share my load and take care of me and my demons while I take care of his. My goal is to be free, have an identity apart from my partner's. I want a respectful life.

There's NO tomorrow

Live like there's no tomorrow, said someone; but how do we take it or do we even take it!

My current state of mind is kinda same, doing everything at the same time, like I won't have a tomorrow. Working, traveling, serving family, learning multiple things, studying, meeting friends, making love and just trying to use every little spare second of my time here. It's like I'll waste my time if I sleep a little extra because the days I sleep extra, I want to cry for the time I lost that I could use for something constructive.

And whatever I do, I do with all my heart. When I dance, I don't care about who thinks what of my movements; when I'm traveling, I want to experience and live it all; when I'm studying, I want to dedicate all my mind and heart to it; I want to do everything I can so my family has nothing left to complain about; I want to spend quality time with friends; only concentrate on my work when I'm working, love making needs a little more dedication from my end and that will come with time once my head is sorted.

I want to learn and make my every waking moment worthwhile. I want to use all my time doing something, when I'm commuting, when I have my face pack on, when I might be on a call with two free hands to do something.

There's so much to do, so much to learn, so much to read, so much to write, so much to share in this world and a life too short. How can I afford to lose any time!? I don't want to die with any regrets of missing out on anything I wanted and could do but didn't. Because there's nothing like couldn't!

My mental state right now!

These days, I'm in a state of numbness, like I'm in trance all the time. I can't recall when did I put up the current status on my WhatsApp and what was I thinking when I put that up. My last night's love making seems like a long lost dream and so real like it is happening to me right now; all at the same time. I'm loving it and hating it in the same moment. I want to get high but I'm scared to lose the little of sanity I'm left with, I might lose it completely. I'm in total control but yet out of control. I have no idea who to talk to, who to share it with; who will understand or even take the pain to understand when even I can't understand this situation, this state of mind on my own. I am only going crazy with this head spinning trail of thoughts going back and forth sickening me in the process. I get blank randomly, I can't register things people say to me.

Am I still stuck on the past? No, I am not. I am happily over it! I reached a high with this guy last night. Has he made enough space in me to touch me from inside? Or have I already shown my ugly side to him to push him away? But I still don't feel free! I can't answer any of these questions.

I have this heady feeling all the time, I can't think through things straight. I don't know what to do. To talk to him, to laugh off the past with him or keep my distance from him to protect him from my darkness, so I don't make the same mistake again! I want him but I can't bear to be with him. It's like my personal space is being breached but at the same time I want to share this space.

Yes, keeping that distance sounds rational but my insides are looking for an escape. Will I end up using him as an escape? I can't be too selfish. I long for something but what is it that my heart longs for? My mental state right now is swinging from 'waiting for the end' to 'bring me back to life'.

Is it only about love in the life or what is it that's affecting me too bad and in ways too extreme! I can't read, I can't write; all that I do is argue and fight with myself. Am I giving in to my demons? Is it about struggle for everyday basic needs of peace and bliss?

Another dream beaten to death by intolerance and then insensitivity

The other day I was sitting at work, planning to go out to have aloo paratha for dinner. Every time I don't carry mum cooked dinner, I prefer going out for the unhygienic paratha instead of half cooked food in the cafeteria that doesn't suit my system. When I asked my colleague to come along, she told me that the vendor is shut down and the area is now covered by the police. Assessing my puzzled look, she was surprised that I didn't know about the incident that had taken place there the previous month; murder of a girl.

A girl in her early 20s, working as a bartender at a couple of places in Gurgaon. She was there for her dinner break, when a friend/ colleague/ competitor also turned up there. They had an argument there which turned into a quarrel which turned into an ugly feud. The other girl called her boyfriend from a nearby Haryana's village, who came along with two other guys carrying thick rods. And they all beat her to death. While the whole world looked on, no one came forward to stop them, to protect her, to call police or to take her to the hospital.

Since she's told me about it, I can't stop thinking about the insensitivity and intolerance in the society. Where was the public outrage that night, that comes out too often and on a huge scale when a politician or a celebrity gives out a controversial "statement". Why did they let her die like that!?

What if it was their daughter or sister being beaten in public? What if it was me? What if I were there? Could I protect her? Had they beaten me too with her? What her family must be going through? Will our society keep letting the innocents die like that by some outrageous intolerant illiterate? Are we scared from people who are among us but never by the wrong? Why do we not stand against these beasts for the innocents? Is it that easy to see someone die like that? Can't we do something with a thought that our family can be their next target!? Someone else blinded by outrage can attack our daughter or son and no one will stand for them and just see them doing because we didn't have enough courage today.

Since my friend told me about it, I just can't stop thinking about this whole scenario, our society, I can't stop crying for her. It isn't about a girl but it could be a boy killed, just like terrorism has no religion, a killed innocent has no gender, it's just a victim.

Talking about insensitivity, it's not gender biased, women are insensitive towards women. You travel in Delhi metro, no woman will offer her seat to an old woman, a woman with a toddler, a pregnant woman or anyone who needs it more than they do. Well, it would be unjust for women who do; which comprises a very small fraction of these travelling women passengers. Some of these needy women will ask for a seat but that's also a very minute number.

Girls would rather pretend sleeping than offering their seat . In fact, the other day a woman got up to catch her child who had just jumped off her lap to hold the pole in front of her and a girl standing in a corner didn't take a moment to come and take her momentarily vacant seat. Now this mother couldn't ask for her seat and stood there holding her child in the moving metro trying to maintain her balance. I waited for a few moments before offering my seat to her, just to observe if anyone else also noticed and would offer her their seat and I was once again convinced of the insensitivity at its all time high.

The world is going to the ditches.