Self worth

What is one's self worth? Does it depend on how people see you or how you see yourself? Is it based on how people assess you or how you assess yourself?

Who or what contributes the most when calculating self worth? Is it the world, the family or your own self?

As a kid I had an almost negligible self worth. Youngest kid to your parents but not in the family, which leaves one in the middle of nowhere. Neither are you as loved as the elder ones or as pampered as the younger ones because you are last to your parents but not the first or the last for the rest of the family.

A very hard to please father. Mother who never spoke up for herself, how would you expect her to take a stand for you. Near perfect sisters and cousins who are spoilt with love.

My sisters were beautiful, obedient, created spectacular art pieces, multitaskers, helped with household chores, good with academics, had so many friends and were always appreciated and loved in the family.

On the contrary, I have always been the ugliest in the family; always went against what my parents wanted me to do; sucked as as artist; could never complete on task at hand with perfection; didn't want to get involved in chores; didn't enjoy studying because I wasn't appreciated when I thought I did good; in the name of friends, I only had bullies. I had too much to live up to in terms of what my sisters had benchmarked. I could never match up to them. Even today they are all married and have kids like my parents decided for them, whereas I haven't given in yet.

Being the youngest, I was raised with expectations of being a rocket scientist and I put everything in trash when I failed to get admission in any of the engineering colleges. Now that all the expectations were gone, I kept it ignited when instead of giving up everything I chose computer applications as my field of study. I started working as a software developer, something my parents could at least boast about, however I didn't fail at disappointing them again. I gave it up to get into BPO industry and try my luck as a communication coach. After struggling for over 4 years, now that I have what I wanted to achieve, my parents are the most disappointed because I'm 28.5, struggling professionally, working in night shifts, still ugly and single. As per Indian code of conduct for girls, I should have been married with at least 1 kid, like my sisters did, obediently, unlike me who is still fighting against it.

When I was dating a guy in college, and it continued after college was over, I thought I had found the love of my life until I  disappointed him too by following what I wanted, by not going with the flow with him, by fighting for what I wanted for myself instead of what he wanted for us. He even tried to discipline me, and I only moved away because I didn't want to be disciplined like a dog. I see myself as a human and he saw dogs superior to humans so I had no value to add in his life. I lost him every time I decided to explore something for myself; every time I forgot that I had to think for 'us' instead of 'me'.

In fact I don't add value to anyone's life, people only come to me, to take what they want and then vanish; if they don't get what they wanted, they'll go away after thrashing my self. I've always been told that I'm mean and care the least of what people need from me and only buried in what I want for myself.

Today, I may be happy for giving myself what I want, for working towards what I like, for exploring my sexuality, for not worrying about what people think of me or expect from me.

All of it me has made me what I am today. I'm not a family person, I don't like to attend family get-togethers, I can spend my days alone, not talking to anyone or sharing what's bothering me inside.

It's not that I  don't care about my people, I try to make myself available every time they want me to be there, when they expect me to do something for them, when it's time to return what I owe them. I just tend to be inclined towards not compromising on my happiness anymore. For I have learnt that no matter what you do for people (friends, family, love), you'll always disappoint them when you decide to dedicate a day to self.

Hence, I may not hold any value on days I fail to fulfil their expectations because I chose my need over theirs; but I'll always see my worth even when I decide to put my needs aside to make my people happy.

To conclude, I'd say that your self worth isn't calculated by how much you're loved because that changes with your attitude towards how you prioritize their needs with yours; it depends on how much value do you add to someone's life, their dependence or rather reliance on you, when they look up to you for anything in their life that originates in you or moves through you.

Happy Living!!