My mental state right now!

These days, I'm in a state of numbness, like I'm in trance all the time. I can't recall when did I put up the current status on my WhatsApp and what was I thinking when I put that up. My last night's love making seems like a long lost dream and so real like it is happening to me right now; all at the same time. I'm loving it and hating it in the same moment. I want to get high but I'm scared to lose the little of sanity I'm left with, I might lose it completely. I'm in total control but yet out of control. I have no idea who to talk to, who to share it with; who will understand or even take the pain to understand when even I can't understand this situation, this state of mind on my own. I am only going crazy with this head spinning trail of thoughts going back and forth sickening me in the process. I get blank randomly, I can't register things people say to me.

Am I still stuck on the past? No, I am not. I am happily over it! I reached a high with this guy last night. Has he made enough space in me to touch me from inside? Or have I already shown my ugly side to him to push him away? But I still don't feel free! I can't answer any of these questions.

I have this heady feeling all the time, I can't think through things straight. I don't know what to do. To talk to him, to laugh off the past with him or keep my distance from him to protect him from my darkness, so I don't make the same mistake again! I want him but I can't bear to be with him. It's like my personal space is being breached but at the same time I want to share this space.

Yes, keeping that distance sounds rational but my insides are looking for an escape. Will I end up using him as an escape? I can't be too selfish. I long for something but what is it that my heart longs for? My mental state right now is swinging from 'waiting for the end' to 'bring me back to life'.

Is it only about love in the life or what is it that's affecting me too bad and in ways too extreme! I can't read, I can't write; all that I do is argue and fight with myself. Am I giving in to my demons? Is it about struggle for everyday basic needs of peace and bliss?