Number game and marriage

At 13, I was biologically ready to get married
At 18, I was legally ready to get married
At 21, I had the basic level of education to get a decent match; I was a graduate
At 24, it was now my turn to get married after the last of my elder siblings was married
At 25, it was peak time to get married as per the society
At 27, I was a woman declared old enough to plan for kids right after I'm married instead of having a get-to-know-each-other time with my would-be partner because my biological clock was ticking
Today, at 29, I should be thinking of settling with whatever comes my way because I've crossed the right age to choose for myself

But no one has told me yet, which number is associated with being mentally ready and fit to be married, to make a home.

Every shade of dark possible

I've done things I don't approve of; I'm not proud of. Or is it the code of conduct set by the society for a girl that I've broken, things they don't deem right! I work in night shifts, 28 (turning 29 in November) and single. I don't have anyone in my life and I don't wish to give that special space to anyone, not until someone tries really hard to break through. Sadly, mine is not a fairytale life so how to expect a prince on a white horse. I don't live in a fantasy world but I was in love too once. Or maybe still am. I'm still in love with the guy I met 10 years ago, who caught my attention out of 60 students in the class, sitting at the back, having no qualms about the world outside his. But maybe I'm not loyal. I let myself get closer to someone else even though it was a momentary attraction; I came clear on it with him; I had no reasons to hide. I also refused to marry him and he walked out of my life just like he came. Does love have to end in marriage!?

I disappointed him and everyone else around me. I've slept with guys I wasn't in love with. I left with a guy I met at the bar even though nothing happened with him but that step of leaving with him left me with self-loathe. Self-loathe because it felt wrong towards the friend I was currently sleeping with that I decided not to tell him about it thinking I might hurt him by that. Since I did nothing, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone anything anyway; but how do I justify this self destructive feeling. But how am I wrong, it's not like we are in a relationship or have any expectations at that level with each other. But maybe I was plain scared of being judged and labelled. But it eventually takes away my trust from myself. And this same guy said that I 'went dark with that point' but there's no way I can tell him about what I did while with him and when in a relationship once. Somehow I could tell my guy about it but for some unknown reason I'm too scared to tell him about it. My sunsign, known to be dark, is also a deep thinker so they say we just think deep and are not really dark. So am I really dark? Who decides what or who is dark? If they don't approve it, it becomes dark, everything else is good! And you become an angel as long as you follow their rulebook.

I want to travel to far off places, alone. However, this country isn't safe for solo women travelers so the most I've been able to do yet is travel with single woman companion. Given my rebel attitude, I might even do it someday, travel alone while that is only going to leave women around me green with envy as no one else could do it yet. I'm definitely not the first or the only one to have done any of the different or wrong things. But I chose to walk out of the closet, do things I wasn’t supposed to be doing and take the accountability.

It is very difficult to admit your wrongs without holding someone else accountable for causing it. I've always taken the responsibility for everything I did, right or wrong. My life would have been a different world if I had the least of these skills they call sales and marketing of life and its events. I have always been called 'Mahila Morcha', 'Jhansi ki Rani', and other names since childhood until feminism came into trend and it got a fancy term. Yes, it sounds mean when you say that you turned down the proposal of marriage, being a 24 year old and only because you are a girl. But no one cares about the reason that might have lead you to that decision. Maybe that's why I never shared the reasons of breaking up with this guy after about 5 years of togetherness for next two years. Only if I was to use my timed marketing skills and give myself a fancy term, I'd have used the 'time' I had marks on the face, empty patches on the scalp and a broken nose pin. Instead of silently visiting a doctor for two years I'd have gained myself heaps of sympathy while each of my friend accused me of breaking up with a guy as sweet and perfect. Irrespective, the respect was stronger than the love since ever; respect for myself and for the family that raised me. These turn of events over a couple of years turned me cynical about companionship. True love starts with self love. You can't love someone else or have someone else love you if you ill-treat and disrespect yourself or let someone else do it to you. I had lost myself while I was with someone. It wasn't until I was alone that I realized the self worth and discovered the importance of self love.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it

I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

that for me it isn't over yet

Nevermind I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

don't forget me, I beg

I remember you say

sometime it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

Nothing compares, no worries no cares

regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

-Adele (Someone like you)

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.

No one ever cared about what I want or what I need; what have I done not to deserve a little care and love!

Judgement

Friend: You're judgemental. 

Me: What do you mean? 

Friend: You judge people, have a fixed mindset about them.

Me: No, I don't judge people. I just have an opinion of how I feel they are, how I perceived them based on what I saw or experienced around them. And that can always be changed.

Him: He's crazy to call you that. Isn't he being judgemental himself by calling you judgemental! Don't overthink, he isn't worth it. 

Me: Maybe you're right. I shouldn't think about it. He's being judgemental by calling me judgemental and then not accepting that he's judging me. 

Him: You're mean, you don't care about me. My friends were right when they said you aren't right for me, I deserve better. You are better off with people who don't matter, you'll end up alone someday, you won't have anyone around you. 

Me (to self): What did I do to deserve these curses. Asked him to gather himself in crisis; did not mother him; expected him to act like an adult. And how were his friends allowed to judge me, what did they know about me, when I wasn't even myself around them. Their vibes never made me comfortable in their presence. How were they let off with an opinion about me, without even knowing me. I only wonder how powerful their influence was on him that they could affect his thoughts about me; how immature and easily manipulated he was; that after spending years with me, he could not figure what was right and what was an illusion. 

Always kept him informed about my darkness, my fears, my flaws but eventually it was them who tell him about me better. Amazes me how powerful, influential and intellectual those friends were. 

Swear it all over again

Does it ring any bells? I got to writing about it after listening to Swear it Again by Westlife on repeat. I also happened to watch The Vow, around the same time, so my mind was a little boggled with the idea, concept, theme; whatever explains it well.

Yes, I'm a girl and no matter how strong I put myself forth as, it's very difficult for me to get over the only love I've had in my life. That forehead I loved to kiss, that nose I wanted to bite, those cheeks I enjoyed caressing, that chest I found my refuge in, those arms extended strength to me; that presence I enjoyed, looking at those distracted eyes; his blush when I didn't stop looking at him. He wasn't cheesy but his every gesture, every word had me floored. Not sure if it was the age or he was actually in love with me that had me hooked to him. Not that I want him back but I miss all the things I've had in life and lost it all in a moment of disrespect.

Another side of story is that we reserve irritating mannerisms, itches and most careless words for those closest to us. Letting the guard down shouldn't translate to rudeness and lack of sensitivity. Nobody should be treated as an extension of yourself, expected to understand and tolerate your irritable behaviour. Love, when found, should be caressed, nurtured, taken care of; not to be taken for granted but respected.

The below quote from Midnight in Paris (2011), makes me want to fall in love again. Makes me wish to find a man who's brave enough to make that passionate love to me, where he loses all fear.

"There is nothing noble about dying in mud unless you die gracefully, then it's not only noble but brave. Don't be scared of dying because that's what all men before you have done and all men will do. Have you ever made love to a truly great woman; when you make love to her, you feel true and beautiful passion and for at least that moment lose your fear of death. Love that is true and real, creates a rest from death; all cowardice coming from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. Man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters; it is because their love was sufficient passion to push the fear of death out of their minds until they return as sworn men and then you must make really good love again."

Self exploration

If you are feeling unhappy and miserable, know this for certain that it can be changed. You don't deserve such bad experiences. Do not pay much attention to your thoughts, focus more on the fountain of happiness and joy residing within. You will discover this ocean of bliss within if you wholeheartedly seek for it. Go dive into it right now. Life is full of twists and turns. We have to be prepared for the worst and yet have complete faith that one small turn of event can swing everything back in your favor.

"We all fear death and question our place in universe; the artist's job is not to come as despair but to come up with an antidote for this emptiness of existence; don't be a defeatist." - Midnight in Paris, 2011

The only place you can go to for excitement and for sparking innovation is within your mind. Develop a passion and keep the mind engaged, it elevates life from ordinary into the realm of extraordinary. Artists are like children; I'm not an artist, I just struggle to write my thoughts down when it bothers me inside. Sharing your inner thoughts leaves you vulnerable to judgements and outer validations and discouragements. It's a feeling like you took off your clothes to feel comfortable, like a child but what people do to you to shame you in any respect; makes you uncomfortable and it's too late for you to cover yourself back up.

"When you stand against what you believe is right and they ask you to move, plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye and tell them no, you move." - Captain America: Civil War, 2016

Giving in is not an option, in fact never an option. In this self quest, we come across hurdles put up by our own people and it gets so difficult fighting them, fighting for what means to you because they are not willing to understand what's beyond general notion; there always will be a gap that they will never let you bridge on purpose. It feels like standing against your own world.

"Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword. On one side of that sword, there lies convention and tradition and order, where all is correct. But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion.' Nothing follows a regular course. Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will be more perilous." - Virginia Woolf, quoted in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

In my self exploration, I've realized that people think they can take me for a ride and they do; not because they can, because I let them. Love me or hate me but you can't get me out of your head. You give me cold and I'll make sure to return the favor with icy cold.

"I'm not suffering, I'm struggling." - Still Alice, 2014

This one has a lot of quotes but each tells my state of mind and portrays my thoughts much better than my own ability to portray them.

(With inputs from Times)

Power of thoughts

Our thoughts have a huge impact on our lives. There's a  reason why Paulo Coelho said, "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."
Our thoughts are positive about what we want so all the energy around us, starts working towards making it happen for you. There are so many things in my life that happened as a result of my thoughts, because I see no other rationale behind them happening.

I thought of our breakup and how strongly will I deal with it and it happened; we broke up under circumstances I couldn't go on with; so had to be strong, without a tear ever, smiling; not that it didn't affect me but I couldn't share the reason with anyone . None of my friends got to know about it for about 2 years. I don't believe I would have let it happen otherwise, considering the kind of person I was back then. I was hungry for love which was fulfilled by him, though my need for self respect and dignity took over and we parted ways.

I thought of working with the company that's located not too far from his workplace, which in turn isn't far from his home; and I did end up in that company after multiple rejections.

On a smaller scale, I had an intuition that I'll end up wearing a clumsy saree with curls in my hair to my friend's sister's wedding; and that took shape. Also, I didn't want to go to the stage and somehow unrealistically wanted her to come to our table to meet Mom; and she did.

Probably that's the reason, most of my dreams also come true. Some of them really scare me because they show me what's unknown at the time and it makes sense as the time passes and it turns into reality. For example, when I had a dream of us parting ways, I saw that he has also started working(he started after me, which also lead to a lot of clashes) and has turned ignorant towards me, even when I tell him that I'm hurt, he's occupied with a new colleague until I eventually decide to move on and he still didn't flinch. We never had a chance to explore each other's workplace or get to know each other's colleagues; though when I see his pictures today, I see that girl from my dream in real, with him. Call me a psycho!

What really scares me is what I've been thinking these days. I think of a failed marriage or worse a life alone. I have a feeling that everyone will only benefit from me and eventually go away. Sometimes I also think of having someone around me, who'll take care of me but will never be mine. Thus I always keep myself distant from everyone so I don't get attached to them; because they will all walk away and I'll only hurt myself every time someone walks out.

I definitely see myself as a strong person who will deal with all of it very sternly; however not having someone to share that piece of cake with, in the middle of night, is indeed an idea enough to shake my being.

Every day, when I reach home from work, I decide to sleep before the sun comes up but I can sleep not until the sun has risen giving me not hope but despair of having lost my moment, having missed the dark sky to sleep under my fairy lights. Under all that pessimism, it's very hard to find positivity; when you only have vultures flying over you, waiting for that opportunity to take a piece of you, it's very difficult to believe in the light of love that might guide you home.

Does it make a negative person or a realistic one because I see through people and situations. Answer to it is not an easy one, though giving up is not an option. Belief in love will get it through me, eventually, hopefully...

Need to be liked

Getting accepted and liked is the basic human necessity since childhood. A kid continues to act in a particular manner when their acts are found amusing, accepted and appreciated; from scoring well to eating nicely, speaking well and wearing neat clothes. An adolescent looks for acceptance by their rebellious nature; an adult finds solace in being accepted by their choice of career, choice of partner and these days, even the way they get married; if they followed the same pattern as everyone else. Isn't it what we carry on till our last breath, only choosing to do what makes us acceptable; always conscious of the reactions by others. Always looking for validation of our existence and our life's worth from others, always seeking approvals.

Had Einstein and Newton worried about what people would say or looked for outward validation, they wouldn't have made the discoveries they did. They overcame this need and thus were the real achievers.

We want to feel needed to feel worthy. Creating a need in others is only a way of justifying one's own existence, if such a justification is needed. Partners are happiest creating dependencies (needs!) rather than liberating each other. Everyone nurtures the desire to create needs that make them feel useful; it is a part of searching for a purposeful life.

It is more important to accept yourself as who you are and taking off the image that you have worn for the world. Accepting yourself means happier and more satisfied you. Then, neither will you be fishing out for something nor will you only be liked but respected. No matter how you change yourself as per others' defined set of rules, the world will still admire the one who marches to his own drum and maintains his dignity.

Humans are social animals and it is almost inevitable to eliminate this need to be liked and accepted, but the insanity to have a specific kind of beauty and habits signify insecurity. Attract people by your wisdom, morals, knowledge and principles rather than shallow acts that people can see through. Stay true to yourself and maintain your self respect; it will attract the greatest regard of all. It may seem natural that we value others' opinion about ourselves, some of us are obsessed with what others think. The person you really are may be hidden within the layers you have built over the years for how people perceive you or how you want to be perceived.

Often, passive people try to avoid confrontation or embarrassment. They want others to like them, so they treat others' needs and wants as more important than their own. But behaving passively can lead to feelings of frustration and helplessness in the long run. So, whereas an assertive person sticks up for his rights, a passive person is more likely to keep quiet or even accept being pushed around. This desire or want to be a part of something is more often a result of denial early in life. Not living to your true self can do more harm than good, hence try not to lose yourself in the stride.

I'd had read somewhere that the most important driving force for a woman is to be loved, appreciated and respected for what she is, so imagine this force mixed with a need to be desired due to earlier neglect, can be dangerous for herself. While some may come out of it more beautiful and more powerful, with no regard to how people see them; instead they give people something to look up to.

Self-motivated people do not feel a similar compulsion  to create need banks. In fact they would have created needs for themselves due to their commitment. Creating that need is not a motivator for them, they consider it more important to be useful rather than needed.

To achieve higher self esteem one needs to move focus from others to one's own self, from outside to within. Others' opinion for you becomes irrelevant but that doesn't imply that you don't care for others; you simply don't give any regard to what impacts your true self.

"The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages." - Virginia Woolf

Self worth

What is one's self worth? Does it depend on how people see you or how you see yourself? Is it based on how people assess you or how you assess yourself?

Who or what contributes the most when calculating self worth? Is it the world, the family or your own self?

As a kid I had an almost negligible self worth. Youngest kid to your parents but not in the family, which leaves one in the middle of nowhere. Neither are you as loved as the elder ones or as pampered as the younger ones because you are last to your parents but not the first or the last for the rest of the family.

A very hard to please father. Mother who never spoke up for herself, how would you expect her to take a stand for you. Near perfect sisters and cousins who are spoilt with love.

My sisters were beautiful, obedient, created spectacular art pieces, multitaskers, helped with household chores, good with academics, had so many friends and were always appreciated and loved in the family.

On the contrary, I have always been the ugliest in the family; always went against what my parents wanted me to do; sucked as as artist; could never complete on task at hand with perfection; didn't want to get involved in chores; didn't enjoy studying because I wasn't appreciated when I thought I did good; in the name of friends, I only had bullies. I had too much to live up to in terms of what my sisters had benchmarked. I could never match up to them. Even today they are all married and have kids like my parents decided for them, whereas I haven't given in yet.

Being the youngest, I was raised with expectations of being a rocket scientist and I put everything in trash when I failed to get admission in any of the engineering colleges. Now that all the expectations were gone, I kept it ignited when instead of giving up everything I chose computer applications as my field of study. I started working as a software developer, something my parents could at least boast about, however I didn't fail at disappointing them again. I gave it up to get into BPO industry and try my luck as a communication coach. After struggling for over 4 years, now that I have what I wanted to achieve, my parents are the most disappointed because I'm 28.5, struggling professionally, working in night shifts, still ugly and single. As per Indian code of conduct for girls, I should have been married with at least 1 kid, like my sisters did, obediently, unlike me who is still fighting against it.

When I was dating a guy in college, and it continued after college was over, I thought I had found the love of my life until I  disappointed him too by following what I wanted, by not going with the flow with him, by fighting for what I wanted for myself instead of what he wanted for us. He even tried to discipline me, and I only moved away because I didn't want to be disciplined like a dog. I see myself as a human and he saw dogs superior to humans so I had no value to add in his life. I lost him every time I decided to explore something for myself; every time I forgot that I had to think for 'us' instead of 'me'.

In fact I don't add value to anyone's life, people only come to me, to take what they want and then vanish; if they don't get what they wanted, they'll go away after thrashing my self. I've always been told that I'm mean and care the least of what people need from me and only buried in what I want for myself.

Today, I may be happy for giving myself what I want, for working towards what I like, for exploring my sexuality, for not worrying about what people think of me or expect from me.

All of it me has made me what I am today. I'm not a family person, I don't like to attend family get-togethers, I can spend my days alone, not talking to anyone or sharing what's bothering me inside.

It's not that I  don't care about my people, I try to make myself available every time they want me to be there, when they expect me to do something for them, when it's time to return what I owe them. I just tend to be inclined towards not compromising on my happiness anymore. For I have learnt that no matter what you do for people (friends, family, love), you'll always disappoint them when you decide to dedicate a day to self.

Hence, I may not hold any value on days I fail to fulfil their expectations because I chose my need over theirs; but I'll always see my worth even when I decide to put my needs aside to make my people happy.

To conclude, I'd say that your self worth isn't calculated by how much you're loved because that changes with your attitude towards how you prioritize their needs with yours; it depends on how much value do you add to someone's life, their dependence or rather reliance on you, when they look up to you for anything in their life that originates in you or moves through you.

Happy Living!!

Who needs love?!

Who needs love when you can get sex, free of commitment or fake promises
Who needs someone to go out with; when you enjoy your own company
Who needs someone to take you out for dinner when you can treat yourself anytime you want
I don't need someone to make me feel good when I can pamper myself!

I don't have to wait for anyone to accompany me for a movie
No scope for disappointment when a promise is forgotten
No one gets enough power on you to take you for granted
No one gets priority over yourself, your family and your dreams

But do we not need a partner to share it all with?
Someone you can share a laugh with, share your silence with
Someone who makes your success worthwhile and praises you for your achievements
Someone who is as happy for you as you are, for yourself

That someone gives a meaning to your smile
Gives you a reason to come back home to
Does that mean that love is selfless?
If that's so, we can never find love in this mean selfish world

Do we really have to be selfless to feel purity of one's being?
Can't we be with someone while keeping our Self intact!
Maintain the dignity we grew up with and what we aspired for
Have what we need and give what's needed, without any compromises

Aren't we all selfish but still looking for That selfless love
I don't know what it takes to find that someone
But if and when I find it, I'll nurture and worship it
Will do all in my capacity to make it a mutual affair, in all RESPECTs!!