Another dream beaten to death by intolerance and then insensitivity

The other day I was sitting at work, planning to go out to have aloo paratha for dinner. Every time I don't carry mum cooked dinner, I prefer going out for the unhygienic paratha instead of half cooked food in the cafeteria that doesn't suit my system. When I asked my colleague to come along, she told me that the vendor is shut down and the area is now covered by the police. Assessing my puzzled look, she was surprised that I didn't know about the incident that had taken place there the previous month; murder of a girl.

A girl in her early 20s, working as a bartender at a couple of places in Gurgaon. She was there for her dinner break, when a friend/ colleague/ competitor also turned up there. They had an argument there which turned into a quarrel which turned into an ugly feud. The other girl called her boyfriend from a nearby Haryana's village, who came along with two other guys carrying thick rods. And they all beat her to death. While the whole world looked on, no one came forward to stop them, to protect her, to call police or to take her to the hospital.

Since she's told me about it, I can't stop thinking about the insensitivity and intolerance in the society. Where was the public outrage that night, that comes out too often and on a huge scale when a politician or a celebrity gives out a controversial "statement". Why did they let her die like that!?

What if it was their daughter or sister being beaten in public? What if it was me? What if I were there? Could I protect her? Had they beaten me too with her? What her family must be going through? Will our society keep letting the innocents die like that by some outrageous intolerant illiterate? Are we scared from people who are among us but never by the wrong? Why do we not stand against these beasts for the innocents? Is it that easy to see someone die like that? Can't we do something with a thought that our family can be their next target!? Someone else blinded by outrage can attack our daughter or son and no one will stand for them and just see them doing because we didn't have enough courage today.

Since my friend told me about it, I just can't stop thinking about this whole scenario, our society, I can't stop crying for her. It isn't about a girl but it could be a boy killed, just like terrorism has no religion, a killed innocent has no gender, it's just a victim.

Talking about insensitivity, it's not gender biased, women are insensitive towards women. You travel in Delhi metro, no woman will offer her seat to an old woman, a woman with a toddler, a pregnant woman or anyone who needs it more than they do. Well, it would be unjust for women who do; which comprises a very small fraction of these travelling women passengers. Some of these needy women will ask for a seat but that's also a very minute number.

Girls would rather pretend sleeping than offering their seat . In fact, the other day a woman got up to catch her child who had just jumped off her lap to hold the pole in front of her and a girl standing in a corner didn't take a moment to come and take her momentarily vacant seat. Now this mother couldn't ask for her seat and stood there holding her child in the moving metro trying to maintain her balance. I waited for a few moments before offering my seat to her, just to observe if anyone else also noticed and would offer her their seat and I was once again convinced of the insensitivity at its all time high.

The world is going to the ditches.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, there was me and you. Too perfect that no one could imagine us apart. People who didn't know about us, could picture us together without any imperfections. Too perfect, that my friends asked me how we made it last and wishing that they had the same thing. Our laughter invited envy! Today, I look at people and wonder why couldn't WE make it last. They were nothing like us, but they still achieved what we failed at.

Yes, I'm stuck on you. I can't detach myself despite of all the ugly things you said to me, I can't let go of all the good things we shared.

You cursed me that I'll be lonely forever and I am, not because I don't have anyone but I choose to be. There's no one I can talk to about you, who to tell I still want you.

Everytime I close my eyes and imagine a partner, I can't help but see your face. You were not perfect, neither was I but no one seems to have a fraction of what you were, the connection we shared.

They say when two people are meant to be together, the devil does everything in its capacity to pull them apart and we let that devil win or maybe we weren't meant to be together. If we weren't meant to be, then why did it feel so right, so perfect.

I can't even seem to distract myself. All my needs were with you, my emotional needs were killed years ago, my physical needs are suppressed. I fail to satisfy my physical needs, I keep pulling back, my mind is never off you. I don't let anyone enter that part of me where I let them access my innermost sensitive point.

Your kiss made me feel what no one could make me feel since then but I still can't forget the last time you kissed me and the pain of realization that I didn't want to kiss you back. Kissing you under the rain was the best thing that happened to me. You're a loss I can't replace.

You may deny it but I did what I could to protect it, my dignity is what I can't compromise on and you failed to keep it intact. How can I spend my life with someone who can't fulfill my basic hunger of being respected.

There was immense love, where did I go wrong. You loved me, believed in me and my dreams but you didn't respect me. A little respect is all that I asked for.

You always left me in the middle of the road, and I kept waiting forever, I'm still standing right there but the tragedy is you are gone forever and I'm not waiting, I want you but I don't want you to come back. I don't want that misery in my life. I couldn't choose happily never after willingly and I still won't. I went numb the night you left me in a miserable condition, the funny part is I still shared that orange with you, still let you drive me to work. And I still went to work and I couldn't help a tear rolling down the moment my nose pin fell and I realized that it's broken.

Surprisingly, in the days that followed, your indifference made you a victim again of my indifference.

I could spend a life of struggles with you, but I can't spend a life being ill-treated. You took me for granted and the irony is you never realized and you never will.

It's been so long and I still can't trust someone with my love. Only if I was a princess and life was a fairytale!

For me, there's no one like you but eventually I WILL either compromise on my needs or only God knows, I might find someone fine enough or better probably. Someone who will treat me like a human, I'm sure.

Happy Father's Day

You were never an ideal dad like they portray in TV commercials and celebrity dads who are flawless, like dream fathers.

You were not the one who caught us when falling, but you let us fall, so that we could learn on our own to walk again without falling. You didn't lead by letting us hold your finger but you always were in the background to hold us if we run into trouble. You made sure we didn't make the same mistakes as yours.

You let us fight our battles on our own. In fact, you let us figure out what our battles were and how to fight them. You helped us define our independence and taught us respect and dignity; you taught us right from wrong. You made sure we always chose the right. Until the world reminded you that we are daughters and we should know our righteous place as homemakers and family women. The ones to always make sacrifices. You now expect us to forget it all. Forget to fight for ourselves, forget to stand for what's right, forget that we have have a self-esteem too which is not above but equal to our husbands. You are now not open to accept things you may learn from us.

You won't shy away from slapping me if you have to; making me do things I don't want but are good for me. But you still can't see me cry, it hurts you to see me in pain.

You may not be a flawlessly perfect father but we see you as our support system and will always look up to you for values of life. We'll always think of you before making any major or even the puniest decision. Our every action and reaction has us assess your opinion about it before and after.

You are not someone for whom we were the world but we saw you as our whole wide world. Had you cared more about us and less about what others thought, our lives would have been different. Only if you were gutsy enough to fight the world for us, I bet we would have conquered it for you. You never treated us like princesses and made sure that we were always hooked to the ground, close to reality. You never made a safety cocoon for us, you let us see the real ugly world, you let us see it bare so we never had any illusions or fantasies. 

Yes, you don't go by the romantic definition of a father but you made us who we are, you made us real, you made us US.

Being social or being occupied!?

What do you think when you think of being social? These days, people live to be social. Social media, social networking sites are all that people do things for. They travel to share it on their Facebook or get likes on Instagram, write for Twitter. Every movie watched, every catch up with friends, every place visited is updated for the society to see. May be that's a part of a To-Do list for approval that we seek from the world.

Is getting social all about expanding your social circle, going out, having fun and bragging the number of people you know. Is it about forgetting yourselves and getting into the void of someone else's world to get rid of your own. For some, it's former; for some, it's latter.

I am not a social person but I like to spend time with people I know. I am an introvert person and don't easily get along with everyone. I have always been the same but there was a time when I didn't mind talking to strangers, not because I liked it but I liked that they are not going to judge me because they know nothing about me and they still have a blank canvas to paint my picture. They may not even bother to paint a picture and just let the conversation pass by. In our society, it isn't really seen as a very positive thing, even I don't like getting involved with strangers but for me, it was only a medium of venting out, those people didn't matter to me. I had no intentions of maintaining a relation with them. But, it was back when I hadn't started writing! I'm not very good at talking because I'm bad with words, which means I'm not a great writer either but since it doesn't involve sharing anything with a person, I'm more comfortable writing and just putting everything out of my head.

I don't really believe in networking. Most people at my workplace don't like me because I'm very blunt but we still maintain a social rapport, a relation that doesn't take us anywhere but keeps us bound.

Over time, I have developed a liking for watching movies alone. The other day I was talking to a friend who's also an alleged introvert but can't imagine going alone for a movie. I suggested him to try it once despite being social, on which I assume he took an offense because he considers himself an introvert. I told him that one doesn't have to be an extrovert to be social and an introvert doesn't have to be a loner.

Being social for an introvert means blocking the mind, losing themselves in others' world. People love to talk about themselves and an introvert uses it to their advantage. They listen to the people and enjoy doing it as it gives them a feeling of being connected with the society and still not be social at all until they are asked to share a piece of their heart. They like to be indulged with people and not getting to talk about themselves makes them feel disconnected from their own issues. We only look for ways to escape our issues and for some, it lies in getting lost in the crowd, listening to people talk about their lives and problems. We take refuge in the noise to feel out of bounds of our own problems.

As Ruskin Bond has right said in his story 'On Fairy Hill': "What we commonly call life is not life at all. Its routine and settled ways are the curse of life, and we will do almost anything to get away from the trivial, even if it is only for a few hours of forgetfulness in alcohol, drugs, forbidden sex, or golf."

Usually, people resort to society to fulfill their insecurities. They may be loved but lack of demonstration of that love leads to pain and a loneliness inside. Most of legendary comedians from Robin Williams, Charlie Chaplin, Kishore Kumar have suffered from depression. These people are the life of a party, they talk and laugh but when alone, they are the opposite. And these people who use humor as tool are the ones who struggle with their inner demons so they resort to distraction by being with other people. It gives them a high and numbs their pain but when they hit back the reality, they get depressed with no energy to bounce back.

Are we all actually a part of society for the society or to fill our voids or to ignore our inner pain!

How old is old enough!?

Age is just a number they say! You grow old in years but being the youngest kid in the family, do you ever get old!? You are always treated like the youngest (kid), no matter what your age is in number. If it wasn't for my spoiled skin, no one could tell my age with the innocence and carefree look on the face. Although I still don't qualify for 27 by my looks. Responsibilities that came with time bringing a little stress, lack of sleep, relationship issues and a habit of smoking developed due to obvious social reasons are what has damaged my skin and make me look like a hag.

Caught in this confusing scenario, you tend to end up feeling like an adolescent, who doesn't know when to act like a kid and when to behave like an adult. Family treats you like a kid when they want to and want you to grow up magically when they need. Problem is you are never clear as in how to strike a balance between the two requirements because sometimes they get too demanding and you already have a lot on your plate to deal with.

Conflicts arise when you want to exercise your adult rights and you are made to stick to your childlike traits. And when you want to be treated like a child in the family, you are made aware of your adult duties. You are treated like an errant teenager when you want to make a point about you being mature enough to handle things for yourself. When you want to step out in the world as an individual, make your own decisions and explore your own directions, you turn into a rebellious and gullible teen.

This age conflict isn't with the youngest only, it happens to the eldest as well. If you are the eldest, you are expected to be mature by birth and at the same time, you are constantly reminded that you aren't old enough. You are required to perform your duties as the eldest child and be your (young) age at the same time.

I have friends who are over 27 but are still not free to make their own decisions while performing all the adult duties in the family. And I have seen people who are in their early 20s and are already performing their duties while making sure they are not "crossing the line" and are still following what their parents want them to.

How do we deal with these issues? Are these parenting issues that require counselling for the parents or are these simply extended mid 20s issues, when even your parents have no idea how to treat you! Let you be you or force you into a machine they can program as per their needs!

Kitaben, by Gulzar

As a kid, I was always told by my teachers and parents that books are your best friends. I like to read books old school style, a book in hand with a bookmark hanging out. Although we have kindles and various other digitized versions of our same beloved books but the smell and feel of a paperback or hardcover is definitely way more appealing to me. The below poem by the extraordinary writer, Gulzar, just made me think over our relation with books over time. This post is dedicated to our long lost love. Books!


किताबें झांकती हैं बंद अलमारी के शीशों से 
बड़ी हसरत से तकती हैं 
महीनों अब मुलाकातें नहीं होती 
जो शामें इनकी सोहबतों में कटा करती थीं, अब अक्सर 
गुज़र जाती हैं 'कम्प्यूटर' के पर्दों पर 
बड़ी बेचैन रहती हैं किताबें...
इन्हें अब नींद में चलने की आदत हो गई हैं,
बड़ी हसरत से तकती हैं,

जो क़दरें वो सुनाती थीं.
कि जिनके 'सैल' कभी मरते नहीं थे 
वो क़दरें अब नज़र आती नहीं घर में 
जो रिश्ते वो सुनती थीं 
वह सारे उधड़े - उधड़े हैं 
कोई सफ़्हा पलटता हूँ तो इक सिसकी निकलती है
कई लफ्ज़ों के माने गिर पड़ते हैं 
बिना पत्तों के सूखे टुंडे लगते हैं वो सब अल्फाज़ 
जिन पर अब कोई माने नहीं उगते 
बहुत सी इसतलाहें हैं 
जो मिट्टी के सिकूरों की तरह बिखरी पड़ी हैं 
गिलासों ने उन्हें मतरूक कर डाला

ज़ुबान पर ज़ायका आता था जो सफ़हे पलटने का 
अब ऊँगली 'क्लिक' करने से अब 
झपकी गुज़रती है 
बहुत कुछ तह-ब-तह खुलता चला जाता है परदे पर 
किताबों से जो ज़ाती राब्ता था,कट गया है 
कभी सीने पे रख के लेट जाते थे 
कभी गोदी में लेते थे,
कभी घुटनों को अपने रिहल की सुरत बना कर 
नीम सज़दे में पढ़ा करते थे, छूते थे जबीं से
वो सारा इल्म तो मिलता रहेगा बाद में भी
मगर वो जो किताबों में मिला करते थे सूखे फूल 
और महके हुए रुक्के 
किताबें मांगने, गिरने, उठाने के बहाने रिश्ते बनते थे 
उनका क्या होगा ?
वो शायद अब नहीं होंगे !

Illusion of dignity

Our society dignifies our women after they are married or fully covered, home before dark or always accompanied by father, brother or husband. Is that really how we see dignity!? Is it really dignity? I see eyes seeing married women as freshly invaded vaginas, fully covered women as a trophy because her flesh in unseen and women who are home before dark and always with a male from family are a success in their attempts to keep the women suppressed. Cases of domestic violence are domestic as they seldom come out in public. In either case, a woman loses her dignity in public or in private. She starts cursing her being, way far from even dreaming of living with dignity. How does it affect a daughter's self respect when she sees her parents' struggle for a son! The other day I was watching television with my mother and one of the female characters said what hit me like an arrow.

"Humne apni nazar se khud ko dekha kab hai, humein toh bas duniya ki fikr hai ki log kya sochenge"

(When have we seen ourselves with our perspective; we are only bothered about how the society is going to judge us.)

Last week, on my way to work, I was trying to dodge my way through the crowded local market to get to the metro. I do it everyday and have been doing it since childhood so I know how to time my movements and steps to avoid nudging and collisions that may be accidental or intentional. On a turn, I consciously made a move to avoid colliding with a person going in a different direction but he made sure that he stepped on my foot somehow and the moment he stepped on it, it felt wrong, intentional and disrespectful. Does it satiate their horniness or satisfy their male ego to step on an otherwise independent woman. That dirty spot on my black shoe keeps reminding me of how I failed to retaliate to the disrespect I was shown while walking on the road to protect my dignity. To be honest, what could I do other than shouting behind his back because people like him don't stop for your reactions and just walk away with a puffed proud chest that they pulled a woman down.

To the end of time, we can and we will only fight to get our respect and dignity in vain.

What is wrong?

These days there is a very thin line between being a girl and being wrong. In fact they can be seen interchangeably! A girl wearing a short dress is seen as a whore. A girl with multiple male friends is labelled a slut. A girl is looked down at if she is wearing a bold lipstick shade or walks with an attitude. I say, it is because the people with these questionable eyes are jealous and insecure that they can't carry it well with the same confidence and she may be appreciated more. I work in night shifts and my mother keeps arguing over the work I do. Basically she's not bothered with what I do but she is concerned with my odd working hours, which is odd because it's not socially accepted! Her reason is she is not willing to answer the society or rather explain that my work is respectable and my shifts are "normal". For that matter, any mother would have the concern of what people are going to say, how are they going to conceive the idea of working at night or accept anything unconventional. Every mother worries herself with the diminishing chances of getting a right husband for her "aging" daughter with so many socially unacceptable traits. As if all the guys of her age are married already and she will have to be under scrutinizing gaze of the society for being unmarried and approaching 30. Who decides the right age for getting married for someone? Who decides what's right and what's not for me? I'm an individual and I have all the rights to make decisions for myself, to judge what's good for me! Mere being a girl snatches all the decision making rights from us or our parents and are given to the society. How are we going to make things right for us? Part ourselves from the wrong! Is education enough? No awareness or any amount of exposure can really change the mindset of our society that has been carved by stone with time. People will develop, let us walk along, get better until that one fine day when they will turn around and point at us only to call us wrong again!

Vulnerable

Is it a phobia of being harassed!? I'm not aware but Google gave me Agraphobia that is fear of sexual abuse. Being in crowd makes me feel insecure about my security that someone may whisper something humiliating in my ear, may make the most lustful touch, make harassing gestures, their x-ray like stare makes me uneasy or rather queasy. Being on a two wheeler in traffic makes me feel vulnerable because I'm open on all sides and accessible to anyone present on that road, walking or on another vehicle. Going out on a weekend feels unsafe because of the crowd that's out to have fun; and their idea of fun is unknown and unknown is usually scary. This lack of safety makes me want to push my way through the crowd and get away as soon and as far as possible. Vulnerability makes me strong as much as it makes me weak. My fear gives me strength to fight back. It tells me I have no choice but to hold my ground. It tells me I don't afford to give in. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has gone through this state of mind. How are we going to make our women strong? Mere knowing martial arts isn't going to help. We need self-confidence and inner strength. We need positive aggression to fight back our fears. Vulnerability will prevail inside us every conscious or subconscious moment till we gather enough strength to hold ourselves up gracefully with dignity and do all we can to protect it.

Strength: Blessing or Curse

I remember him saying that even if I'm gone, I'll always be around you like a ghost, walking behind you, in the background.

And that's exactly how I remember him. Everything we ever shared feel like a ghostly dream, a friendly ghost though! Do I miss him? Yes, I do! Just like a ghost. A ghost who was a support, on whom I relied on, trusted with issues and solutions but a ghost never exists for real, it is born out of your imagination, an illusion that simply haunts you.

Reason to come out of it was stronger than reasons to stay in it. I'm a person very easy to turn off like you would switch off a light. I'm easy to fall in love with but hard to stay in love with. Is that because a headstrong woman is a nightmare!? Because her strength scares them off and makes them feel small in front of her!? I was reading an article the other day that said men like it when their girl is afraid because it gives them an opportunity to come to their rescue to show their manhood. Why would you exhibit your manhood when a woman is at her weak, why can't you be stronger than your strong woman!

I can't always tell people what I feel and what I'm going through because the least I expect from my closed ones is to understand the unsaid, however, what happens is that they fail to understand the words that I do say which eventually makes me mad and labels me as a problem personality at home and at work. Well, I'm an introvert person and you can't expect such person to tell you what they think and prefer. They will always go with the flow, not that they approve of things happening but they still won't tell you. They can use it as their strength against you, you won't even realize when you pushed them away.

Though I'm tired of being misinterpreted. I don't want to be strong anymore. In the absence of another stronger aura I've created barriers around me and I'm hoping someone would care enough to take the pain of breaking through. I'll be at his/ her service to the end of my life for rescuing me from the limitations I've set for myself. Someone who will try despite of all the repulsion that I put forth. I've become an insensitive and an indifferent person which is the negative side of being strong. I repel people before they can reject me. I've worn a mask that tells people to back off and creates a barrier between me and the world. It's like a defense mechanism, hurt them before they can hurt you! I'd be more than glad to meet someone who'd have the courage to break that barrier and rescue me from suffocating inside.

I am not rock solid. I am vulnerable, fragile and timid too. I get scared too. I'm not crying, it's just my weak insides weeping. I'm tired of these silent tears. I want to scream too, want to cry out loud, tell the world that I'm also a human and I can feel too. I can't carry this strong demeanor forever. I also want to be supported and be told that everything will be alright; instead of handling things for others, I want my shit to be handled. I am a messed up person like every other normal human being. Maybe that's a part of the evolution, gather your shit yourself. In the everyday run around, no one has time to look at your mess because they have their own issues to handle but what do you do when you reach that stage of breaking down, when all that you want is to quit everything but that's definitely not the most practical or even feasible solution. I think we are stuck in a vicious cycle then!

But won't you really try to handle things for the one you love! May be that's the problem; no one has time for love!