Illusion of dignity

Our society dignifies our women after they are married or fully covered, home before dark or always accompanied by father, brother or husband. Is that really how we see dignity!? Is it really dignity? I see eyes seeing married women as freshly invaded vaginas, fully covered women as a trophy because her flesh in unseen and women who are home before dark and always with a male from family are a success in their attempts to keep the women suppressed. Cases of domestic violence are domestic as they seldom come out in public. In either case, a woman loses her dignity in public or in private. She starts cursing her being, way far from even dreaming of living with dignity. How does it affect a daughter's self respect when she sees her parents' struggle for a son! The other day I was watching television with my mother and one of the female characters said what hit me like an arrow.

"Humne apni nazar se khud ko dekha kab hai, humein toh bas duniya ki fikr hai ki log kya sochenge"

(When have we seen ourselves with our perspective; we are only bothered about how the society is going to judge us.)

Last week, on my way to work, I was trying to dodge my way through the crowded local market to get to the metro. I do it everyday and have been doing it since childhood so I know how to time my movements and steps to avoid nudging and collisions that may be accidental or intentional. On a turn, I consciously made a move to avoid colliding with a person going in a different direction but he made sure that he stepped on my foot somehow and the moment he stepped on it, it felt wrong, intentional and disrespectful. Does it satiate their horniness or satisfy their male ego to step on an otherwise independent woman. That dirty spot on my black shoe keeps reminding me of how I failed to retaliate to the disrespect I was shown while walking on the road to protect my dignity. To be honest, what could I do other than shouting behind his back because people like him don't stop for your reactions and just walk away with a puffed proud chest that they pulled a woman down.

To the end of time, we can and we will only fight to get our respect and dignity in vain.

What is wrong?

These days there is a very thin line between being a girl and being wrong. In fact they can be seen interchangeably! A girl wearing a short dress is seen as a whore. A girl with multiple male friends is labelled a slut. A girl is looked down at if she is wearing a bold lipstick shade or walks with an attitude. I say, it is because the people with these questionable eyes are jealous and insecure that they can't carry it well with the same confidence and she may be appreciated more. I work in night shifts and my mother keeps arguing over the work I do. Basically she's not bothered with what I do but she is concerned with my odd working hours, which is odd because it's not socially accepted! Her reason is she is not willing to answer the society or rather explain that my work is respectable and my shifts are "normal". For that matter, any mother would have the concern of what people are going to say, how are they going to conceive the idea of working at night or accept anything unconventional. Every mother worries herself with the diminishing chances of getting a right husband for her "aging" daughter with so many socially unacceptable traits. As if all the guys of her age are married already and she will have to be under scrutinizing gaze of the society for being unmarried and approaching 30. Who decides the right age for getting married for someone? Who decides what's right and what's not for me? I'm an individual and I have all the rights to make decisions for myself, to judge what's good for me! Mere being a girl snatches all the decision making rights from us or our parents and are given to the society. How are we going to make things right for us? Part ourselves from the wrong! Is education enough? No awareness or any amount of exposure can really change the mindset of our society that has been carved by stone with time. People will develop, let us walk along, get better until that one fine day when they will turn around and point at us only to call us wrong again!

Vulnerable

Is it a phobia of being harassed!? I'm not aware but Google gave me Agraphobia that is fear of sexual abuse. Being in crowd makes me feel insecure about my security that someone may whisper something humiliating in my ear, may make the most lustful touch, make harassing gestures, their x-ray like stare makes me uneasy or rather queasy. Being on a two wheeler in traffic makes me feel vulnerable because I'm open on all sides and accessible to anyone present on that road, walking or on another vehicle. Going out on a weekend feels unsafe because of the crowd that's out to have fun; and their idea of fun is unknown and unknown is usually scary. This lack of safety makes me want to push my way through the crowd and get away as soon and as far as possible. Vulnerability makes me strong as much as it makes me weak. My fear gives me strength to fight back. It tells me I have no choice but to hold my ground. It tells me I don't afford to give in. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who has gone through this state of mind. How are we going to make our women strong? Mere knowing martial arts isn't going to help. We need self-confidence and inner strength. We need positive aggression to fight back our fears. Vulnerability will prevail inside us every conscious or subconscious moment till we gather enough strength to hold ourselves up gracefully with dignity and do all we can to protect it.

Strength: Blessing or Curse

I remember him saying that even if I'm gone, I'll always be around you like a ghost, walking behind you, in the background.

And that's exactly how I remember him. Everything we ever shared feel like a ghostly dream, a friendly ghost though! Do I miss him? Yes, I do! Just like a ghost. A ghost who was a support, on whom I relied on, trusted with issues and solutions but a ghost never exists for real, it is born out of your imagination, an illusion that simply haunts you.

Reason to come out of it was stronger than reasons to stay in it. I'm a person very easy to turn off like you would switch off a light. I'm easy to fall in love with but hard to stay in love with. Is that because a headstrong woman is a nightmare!? Because her strength scares them off and makes them feel small in front of her!? I was reading an article the other day that said men like it when their girl is afraid because it gives them an opportunity to come to their rescue to show their manhood. Why would you exhibit your manhood when a woman is at her weak, why can't you be stronger than your strong woman!

I can't always tell people what I feel and what I'm going through because the least I expect from my closed ones is to understand the unsaid, however, what happens is that they fail to understand the words that I do say which eventually makes me mad and labels me as a problem personality at home and at work. Well, I'm an introvert person and you can't expect such person to tell you what they think and prefer. They will always go with the flow, not that they approve of things happening but they still won't tell you. They can use it as their strength against you, you won't even realize when you pushed them away.

Though I'm tired of being misinterpreted. I don't want to be strong anymore. In the absence of another stronger aura I've created barriers around me and I'm hoping someone would care enough to take the pain of breaking through. I'll be at his/ her service to the end of my life for rescuing me from the limitations I've set for myself. Someone who will try despite of all the repulsion that I put forth. I've become an insensitive and an indifferent person which is the negative side of being strong. I repel people before they can reject me. I've worn a mask that tells people to back off and creates a barrier between me and the world. It's like a defense mechanism, hurt them before they can hurt you! I'd be more than glad to meet someone who'd have the courage to break that barrier and rescue me from suffocating inside.

I am not rock solid. I am vulnerable, fragile and timid too. I get scared too. I'm not crying, it's just my weak insides weeping. I'm tired of these silent tears. I want to scream too, want to cry out loud, tell the world that I'm also a human and I can feel too. I can't carry this strong demeanor forever. I also want to be supported and be told that everything will be alright; instead of handling things for others, I want my shit to be handled. I am a messed up person like every other normal human being. Maybe that's a part of the evolution, gather your shit yourself. In the everyday run around, no one has time to look at your mess because they have their own issues to handle but what do you do when you reach that stage of breaking down, when all that you want is to quit everything but that's definitely not the most practical or even feasible solution. I think we are stuck in a vicious cycle then!

But won't you really try to handle things for the one you love! May be that's the problem; no one has time for love!

Who am I?

Who am I?

Was it when I was with you? Is it what I am today? Why didn't I do things I do today when I was with you? Did you not let me be me? Was I afraid that you'll leave me? Was I never comfortable with you, never me? Could I not open up? What do I really like and dislike? Why don't I like things I used to love once? Have I finally realized my real self? Will I be able to retain this just-realized-identity once I'm married to someone? Will I have to find myself all over again? Is life all about finding yourself infinite times? Don't we have one identity? Why do we keep changing? Is it adaptation, confusion or lost identity?

If I'm real today, then what we had wasn't real! Why can't I still digest the fact that it wasn't meant to be! If you couldn't bring out the real me, how could you be The One!? If it's not you, why I wasted my real feelings! How did I let it happen? Is that a part of finding yourself? Is this a process, a vicious circle? Keep losing yourself to find yourself all over again!

Why weren't things this hard when we were kids? Why are they so complex today? Will they be same forever? Or is it just a part of growing up? When do we grow up if we haven't grown yet after crossing about a third of our lives?

Why does it remind me of the song by Christina Aguilera (ft. A Great Big World)

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you
And I, will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
I'm saying goodbye
Say something I'm giving up on you

My identity

My identity is what I've had for 26-27 years of my life. What was given to me by my father. And after all these years of cherishing what was given to me with my birth, I'll be made to give it up for a new identity which will belong to my husband. If I'm lucky enough he'll cherish having me in his life and if not, he'll be just another ungrateful chap I'll have. And this time I'll be living the nightmare instead of feeling sorry for another woman.

I see nothing wrong with wishing to achieve something in life while I'm still my dad's daughter and not somebody's wife. I want people to recognize me as a daughter who made her father proud and not a wife who owes her success to her husband. Why? I owe it to my father because he made me what I am today and not my husband. Why should I owe it to my husband? Because he may give me a chance to be something and not bind me. I'll definitely be thankful to him but I'd still like my father to get the credit for all his hard work he put in, for all the sleepless nights my mother had and not my husband.

While I'm with my parents, society would be concerned with what I'm doing with my life if not getting married. Once married, the society won't bother what I did but will be concerned with how my new family is treating me.

Being a girl equals no need for a career. If I'm over 25, working and unmarried, it very easily gives a delusion to the society that I work to support my parents financially and I'm looked up to as poor girl sacrificing her life for the sake of aiding her parents. Sigh!

What am I going to get out of this whole debate!? Satisfaction, that I got an opportunity when I had time. Or regret that I couldn't make things work when I had time.

I am, too

I'm bad with routes, doesn't mean I can't guide you

I'm not open, doesn't mean I'm blocked

I'm younger, doesn't mean I'm lesser

I haven't seen the world as much as you, doesn't mean I can't deal with it

I don't talk like you, doesn't raise a question about my intellect

My strength doesn't mean I'll never need your care

X. X. X.

The mindset in our society is very bleak. We get married to have sex, we have sex to have kids so in turn, we get married to have kids for the society.. The guy gets married to have licensed legal sex and girls get married for the acclaimed sense of security!! The other day I was reading an article on Huffingtonpost about why do Indian men stare at women. At the end of the article, the answer was quite simple and thoughtful, because ours is a sexually deprived society; it is seen only as a mean to have kids and not to share the bond of love. Women are seen as nothing but source of having kids and meant only for sex, not for love or appreciation!

That is one of the reasons that the rate of rapes is too high in our country in every city. Some cases get the highlight and some don't.

 

People exploit their wives sexually to the limit that they look for sexual excitement outwards ogling at other women including teen girls.

Someone sent me a message today which said something from an advertisement: "Try different positions with the same woman instead of trying the same position with many women."

Advantages of being single...

* You can go out and have good time with your friends even if it's just for an hour without having to worry about being answerable to someone that why didn't you spend the time with them.

* You save a lot of money that you would have otherwise spent on dates or gifts maybe.

* You get a lot more family time with your own family.

* You don't have to spend your time with his friends if you don't like them.

* You need not plan anything hypothetical with him and have some real fun time with your friends and family whenever you want.

* You don't have to wait on anyone to do things you want, when it may not mean anything to him/ her but is precious for you and you would love to share it with your partner.

* You don't have to try hard to please his/ her family when they don't like you.

* Your friends will no longer complain that you don't have time for them.

* You can abuse or drink or smoke whenever you want to without him or her badgering you.

Simple Mantra to follow: You gotta do, what you wanna do!

PS: It's nothing out of frustration of a failed relationship but my observation of a lot many relationships I've seen around myself, some successful, some struggling and some failed. :D

Tryst with trust

For many, trust is cognitive dissonance, they trust but they are insecure at the same time. They value their relationship but they can't help feeling jealous from most of the unimportant things around. You can simply accept a few things in a relationship the way they are instead of trying to get to the roots of why is it so. It is more important to accept it and go along with it. If you dig in too much in the past, you will only be left with ugly truths, things that don't matter anymore will affect your love. Confrontations and embarrassments only expend energy and serve to destroy a partnership. Why let grief weaken a love bond?

Some don't realize it until it's too late that their suspicion is causing lack of space in the relationship. Sometimes things work out on the outer layer but underneath the seed of lack of trust has been sown and a sense of insecurity creeps in for the other one. Sometimes things work out perfectly making the bonds stronger but if exposed in an ugly manner, the relationship is left as a subject of humility. If someone chooses to present only his or her positives, why insist on discovering anything lesser? It is enough to be aware.

Insecurities and bad experiences encourage us to mistrust everything, and try to get to the 'invisible' truth. Some things need to be taken at face value. People haggle over prices not because they can not afford it, but because they fear being cheated; they do not trust. Nobody likes being taken for a ride, be it business transactions or relationships. It is a vicious circle; the more lies and corruption we see around us, the more likely we are to distrust. But if we keep suspecting and doubting people, we are slowly eroding the trust and mutual faith from the society that is the basis of any relationship. Tourists don't trust Indians because they have a belief that every one of us will loot them. It may be true to a great extent but is everyone the same! You need to take the risk of putting the trust in some to make a special bond. The other day I was traveling in metro and I saw an old lady struggling with her baggage. I offered her a hand which denied very politely but she couldn't hide the suspicion out of the look that she gave me. It was discomforting and disrespectful but it made me think about the kind of society we live in. You won't discover new until you step out of your comfort zone, comfort of trusting the renowned. How we buy the stuff from a known brand without judging the quality we get because we are comfortable with the fact that their price is same for everyone and we will not be cheated.

We are aware of couples around us who trust their loved ones and allow the space; they are no less possessive, loving or less jealous than others. They are probably more mature and understand the consequences of doubts, suspicions and questions, they understand if they do not allow that space they are likely to lose those to whom they cling with such obsession. A close hug is reassuring; a very tight one, choking.

The character of Sadhavi in the book "See Paris for me" realizes her unfulfilled needs in her marriage when she meets Kanav, an artist whom she connects with intellectually. But her love for her husband and son, her husband's trust brings her back to the ground reality and she comes back with stronger love and deeper trust in her marriage. She wasn't in a relationship with Kanav but mental bonding with another man seemed wrong. She felt like a cheat, after all only physical connection isn't cheating, connecting with someone emotionally is cheating too. I was reading an article in the newspaper once about emotional cheating. There was also a quote by Sandra Bullock that said that infidelity is not the only form of cheating, the worst is emotional cheating.

We should allow our instincts and faith to lead us. Of course this doesn't mean you get taken for several rides through life. If it is unfair to live with suspicion, it is unforgivable to accept unfairness and live with lies. Allow doubts to raise their head only if you have reason to nurture them. Make an honest trust pact to stay happy, you will realize that a lot of clutter and noise will vanish to leave you smiling and peaceful.