Where is my security!?

Today on my way to work while I was waiting in the queue to put my bags through metro security check, I noticed a tourist woman who took bags from her younger counterpart and asked her to move onto the front to collect the bags. Their lack of trust in our security pricked me but I shrugged it off thinking we can't change their mindset about our country. We moved forward and I picked my bags too from the machine. They were joined by two men from the other queue and were still walking close because of the crowd. What happened next really moved me and pushed me to think about the image they carry of our city rather than country.  I saw the woman pulling the girl ahead of her and the men, asking her to cover her revealed shoulders and back.

Is the image they are carrying not true? Is our mindset correct towards women? What are we doing to provide safety to these insecure tourists, to improve conditions for our own women? Are these tourists really safe here?

Will we continue getting raped, harassed, ogled at; every second that we step out in the world, will we always be vulnerable, made to feel fragile even when we are not! It's a question that will always be there like a demon on our heads to which there never will be any answer. As long as women won't speak up, men won't stand up for every women being harassed, we as citizens won't do anything to protect our own women; nothing will change.

Gone are the days when I used to be proud to be a part of Delhi. Today, I am ashamed to be from the city known for its unsafe streets for women and ever rising rape cases.

Mid 20s crisis

Gone are the days when age crisis was limited to puberty, menopause, mid-40s and other prominent stages in a person's life when the body undergoes hormonal changes. Nowadays, we also have mid-20s crisis with emotional and psychological changes happening.

This is the threshold between the growing man and the grown man. With growing competition and tough-to-make place in market, when academic life ends and professional life begins and we enter the real mean world, a zillion thoughts cross our mind and we undergo multiple mood swings, depression like state and frustration. You think:

* About a third of my life is over and I have not really done anything with it. Spent a part of it growing up, some of it trying to figure out what to do and some running around trying to make it work.

* Of traveling the world like there's no tomorrow.

 

* You are going bald.

* Stuck in your job.

* You have suddenly all grown up with the responsibilities.

* All of your friends are getting married and you will get married too soon having your own family.

* You have attained the ultimate knowledge and should go to mountains to meditate now.

* After a failed love affair, the concept of love is faltering and is for college students.

* You have made a wrong career choice and feel aimless out of nowhere.

* Binging is your savior.

* You are worthless.

* You should get back to childhood and do things you've missed

* Partying with your friends is the only escape.

* Your skin has lost its glow and charm so you start using all sorts of products and often consult your dermatologist.

Instead of brooding over what's done and what can't be changed. enjoy the moment and make the most of your mid 20s because just like you get one childhood, this is your time to feel grown up while feeling all too young! Lay back and relax!! ;)

Do prince charmings exist???

Who is a Prince Charming?

A guy who is as handsome as a Greek God, as strong as Hulk, cute and funny like the guy next door, caring like the father, protective like Captain America's shield, loving like the God of love himself and last but the most important is who pampers you like you are the only princess alive.

It would have been larger than life if it came with life long guarantee!!

Now the question is if it is real at all or just fiction?

Prince Charming is the guy who will respectfully and willfully stay a step behind his girl's father and won't strive to be ahead of him.

He is the guy who will respect his girl and wouldn't even imagine hurting her in any way, mental or physical. He will respect the fact that she is willing to quit the life she has had for a major part of her living which can be about one-third. He will willingly make some changes in his life to provide her some comfort considering that she is turning her life upside down for him.

There are a few fictional excerpts that also end up putting you in dilemma. Edward Cullen from Twilight series and Christian Grey from Fifty Shades series are definitely the prefect examples of dream-come-true princes. While they are ideally perfect, ironically neither of them have perfect lives. Edward is a vampire who is drawn towards human girl, on the other hand, Christian fell for a total mess with his dark past.

Following extract from Ahmed Ali's Twilight in Delhi, tell us just the opposite that there is nothing like a perfect guy:

But love had died in his heart. Why had he been in love with her, he thought, and why had he become indifferent to her? She had loved him and adored him, perhaps. Why did he not feel anything for her? What is love, after all? Does the charm of a woman lie merely in her graceful ways, or in her confessions of love? Yet the moths tower round a candle flame, scorch their wings and are burnt to ashes and dust. They also love the light and sacrifice their lives for it. Wasn't she sacrificing her life for him? Didn't she love him silently like the moths the candle flame?

Prince Charming is that fictitious character that is just too good to be real but there are a few lucky ones out there who have had the chance of meeting them.

Why am I not free!?

We have completed 67 years of independence but are we free in real terms? Can I take a walk at night without getting raped, can I wear a short skirt without being ogled at, can that red dress be worn without attracting any lewd remarks, can I talk on phone while walking without having anyone whisper crude comments within my earshot, can I travel on bus without having anyone trying to rub their pride on my shoulder or crush my pride by holding my breast or pinching my ass, can I laugh heartily without having to worry about prying eyes, what can I wear that will assure I'll be protected, am I free to go out with my male friends without anyone thinking that I sleep around with them, can I trust my government to actually do something for me and give no empty promises, can I hope that there won't be another remark on things I do that get me raped, can I trust the world with my little princess. I am a girl. I don't want to hear that my mobile phone, eating noodles and letting myself out at night (I'd say any hour) get me raped. Why does it have to come down to me!? Why can't they ask men to not use phones, to not watch porn, to stay home at night so that I am safe outside, to keep their pants in check instead of checking me out. Aren't there any rapes happening during day, aren't women in sarees getting raped, don't we have school girls being molested without any cell phones, 4-5 year old girls are raped when they don't even know what provocative clothing is. Why don't we have a moral police for every man walking on the road eyeing the next girl!? I don't want to know how innocent a guy is to rape. If he can rape, where is innocence!! Can I ever feel safe? Will we stop having useless marches that have rapists and molesters walking along with candles and still checking out the women around? We have zillions of fines and punishments for the pettiest of "crimes" like pulling a train's chain or pressing emergency button in metro, but what do we have for a woman's dignity! We get nothing out of a report for rape but there is a headline about how authorities are affected to know that tourism industry has dropped due to rising rape cases!

I don't want to wish a happy independence day because I don't feel free!

Protected by women

What happens to a person who has always been covered and saved by women. Someone who is always protected, will always seek protection by women and will do so proudly.

When they are made aware of it, they lose their senses to realize that their protection might be threatened, as a result of which they hurt the same women they were so shelled by.

He was always protected by his mother, his sisters that he wanted the same from his partner, he forgot the part he had to play for her protection. In his pursuit of absolute protection from her; what he was so used to all his life, he lost control over himself and was pushed to punish her for having some expectations from him, expecting to be protected by him.

They will always run away from their responsibilities and will always deny and escape their duties. They are so used to the woman cocooning that they can't see themselves doing it for anyone or having it the other way round.

Kelly Clarkson has very rightly said in one of her songs, "You got your mother and your brother, every other, under cover, telling you what to say". These people always need these women telling them what to say, what to do all the time. They are so dependent on them that they expect the same from every woman who enters their lives.

It is very hard for them to give back what they have been receiving all their life. And once again woman is the one carrying the weight of the relationship, being the mother, being the sister, being the partner

Writing, seriously!

Years ago, I found out that the guy I'm going out with writes too (there were a lot many other things he did to amaze me!). I started reading his blog and write ups, in fact I started following it. And then I realized that I'm falling in love with him because of his writing and he is indeed amazing with words. I think that is how he rolled me in at first! ;)

He kept writing and I continued reading, kept waiting for his new posts, emails with new write ups.

He used to inspire me to write but then I was never good with words or narration. I always messed up by saying things differently than what was meant initially. So, I never bothered my keyboard or pen! Also, I was afraid to give words to my thoughts, to share what was my opinion about things; fearing that my deepest and darkest feelings might just come out, fearing people may not agree with me, may not approve of my ideas or may not accept me in that light. I simply held on to my status quo of being the just-not-intellectual and can't-have-an-opinion. I couldn't portray myself in words just how people see me, total mess! Is this why we have introvert people around us!? Those who don't talk much, don't share much and agree with what-ever is said around them, never putting their thoughts on the table. May be that's where the title of my blog came from!!

One day a random thought came to my mind that I need a blog of my own for girls, which took him by surprise. Very calmly, he suggested that I should first start writing a regular blog before coming up with the conceptual one. I hesitated and was really apprehensive about writing at all initially. It took me quite a long time to bring myself together and get to work.

So, there I took the big step, pulled up my socks and started writing on paper whenever and wherever I got some time for myself. Initially it took me long to write about anything but gradually I started enjoying it, even the time it was taking to write something. I savor my time spent in writing with my stream of thoughts.

At the moment I have about 12 posts in my drafts; things I'm working on for quite a long time but nothing completed to my satisfaction yet. I drafted the title of this post about more than a year back but today I finally write my thoughts wholly about it and put it to you.

Now, it is all about putting my heart out, trying to sort out all the mess going on in my mind. Be carefree and careless about what anyone thinks!

Feels kinda good to realize that I am writing, seriously! Even if someone out there finds it naive. What matters the most is what I'm doing, makes me feel great! Isn't it why we do anything of everything we do!?

Smelly nostalgia

Mehek bhi kahani sunati hai, sun lo agar,

hawaon ke zariye batati hai, samjho agar

(Smell also tells a story if you listen to it, it tells through the blowing wind if you understand it!)

This song from movie Aiyya awakens me to the reality of what wonders can smell do and I never realised it until I listened to this song and watched this movie. The girl falls in love with the guy's fragrance without having ever seen him, she kept following his smell until she finally found him.

There's a reason why the ability to smell is a part of our 5 most powerful senses. I'd read somewhere that if people were given the choice to lose one of their senses, ability to smell would be the first one and sight would be the last one. This sense resides in the same part of the brain as emotions and is thus directly connected to our emotions than any other sense.

You ever noticed how smell of geeli mitti (moist soil) brings back a lot of childhood memories and elates one's spirits. Smokers can have the craving by simply smelling the smoke of someone else's cigarette. Similarly, a person who doesn't smoke, will get irritated by the same smell. Smell of rain takes us back to how we used to play as kids under the rain on our rooftops. A coffee lover will get overwhelmed by the smell in a coffee shop or you may get hungry by yummy appetising smell of a bakery.

Women use all nice smelling products because it makes them feel good about themselves, makes them feel more confident. People take aroma spas to relax, have aroma oils in their bath water to soothe their nerves. Couples light aroma candles to get the light romantic feel.

Once, one of my old friends told me that there is a fragrance that drives him crazy. It plays with his mind and when he tries to track the source, it vanishes. I could never understand how fragrance affects us subconsciously even when we are totally occupied with something else, that particular whiff can pull us out into a whole new world.

When choosing perfumes, people choose how they would prefer to smell, something that suits them the best and portrays their personality.

There is another theory that says that a couple bonds better if they connect to how their partner smells. Couples get turned on by how their spouses smell! Or they can even have their favourite smelling areas on their body! Someone loves to smell their partner's hair, someone would love to get lost in their neck.

They say, a guy should always invest in a nice cologne. Their aftershaves make women go weak in their knees. As a kid I used to admire my dad's perfume so much (which I still do) that I always wished to have my partner smell the same. That's how I defined manhood in that age. On the other hand, a girl may not feel that way even for a really hot guy if they smell like their dad.

Coming to what actually motivated me to write this post. On a cold evening in an open area with some green trees, there lingers a smell that many don't notice. I think it's a tree that gives out  this smell at night but I'm not really sure because I could never find any common tree in all these areas or anyone who could solve this puzzle for me. That smell makes me want to fall in love. I can get married to a guy who'd propose me amidst that smell. It takes me over, it is tranquilising, I just can't get enough of it. It makes me want to inhale as deeply as i can, take in as much of it as feasible by my lungs. I get nostalgic; I have made a lot of memories in my student life with my friends and my first love surrounded by this smell.

Smell can bring back half-forgotten, blurry memories out on surface. Some sweet and some bitter memories (reminds me of bittersweet symphony! :P). You can associate to people by how they smell. A fragrance can take you back to the memories of your long lost love while you can hate someone because their smell reminds you of someone you hate.

You may forget what you saw but what you smelt will stay there in your subconscious mind and will come out as soon as you smell it again. Your smell memory is much stronger than your visual or verbal memory.

यादें

मेरी महफिलें, मेरी खुशियां
किसी की मौजूदगी कि मौहताज नहीं। 
मेरी तन्हाई, किसी की बददुआ का असर नहीं
अंजाम है ये उसकी कमज़ोरी और बुज़दिली का। 

उन्होंने सोचा कि मिट जाएगा हमारा वजूद उनके बिना 
पर हम ज़िन्दगी में खुद को उठाते ही चले गए। 
हर वो चीज़, जो था उनका वादा 
वही मोहब्बत हम खुद को तोहफे में देते चले गए। 

नोच के उखाड़ फेंका मेरे सर से ताज उन्होंने 
पर हमने तब भी उन्हें अपना सरताज माना। 
पर उन्होंने ना समझा ज़रूरी उस घाव को भरना 
थे सिर्फ जिसके इंतज़ार में हम, वो प्यार का मरहम कभी हमारे दामन में ना आया। 

लिए बैठे थे वो भी अपने ज़ख्म 
इस उम्मीद में कि भर देंगे उन दरारों को हम 
पर नज़र ना आयी उन्हें खुद कि खींची वो लकीर, जिसे पार करने की ताकत भी उन्होंने हमसे छीन ली। 
छीन लिए हमसे हमारे हक़, और हमें ही बेदर्द करार कर दिया 
फिर एक बार छोड़ दिया बीच राह में हमें 
और बेवफा का दर्ज भी हमें ही दे दिया। 

लिए बैठे रहे हम भी वही खुले घाव 
कि कभी तो वो आएंगे याद करके वो गुज़रे फ़साने। 
पर ना वो आये, ना आयी उनकी रहमत 
और हमें हमेशा के लिए इस गफलत में छोड़ दिया 
कि क्या वो कसूर इतना संगीन था, कि उन्होंने हमारा दामन छोड़ना बेहतर समझा। 
बेहतर समझा हमेशा के लिए हमसे मुँह मोड़ना, क्या वो ख्वाहिश इतनी नागवार थी। 

भूल गए वो हमारी फितरत 
वो टूट के प्यार करने का जज़बा। 
उनकी लत में इस कदर डूबे 
कि हर जज़्बात उनके बिना अधूरा था।
किसी और के लिए छोड़ा होता तो इतनी चुभन नहीं होती,
पर उन्होंने तो हमें हमारे लिए ही छोड़ दिया या कहें कि हमारी वजह से छोड़ दिया।

जब जब बीच राह में वो छोड़ गए 
वहीं खड़े इंतज़ार किया कि कभी तो मुड़कर देखेंगे 
कभी तो आयेगी उनकी आवाज़ पीछे से 
कभी तो पलट के वापस आएंगे हमारे पास दौड़ के। 
आज भी सोचते हैं कि काश एक बार तो पलट के देखा होता उन्होंने 
थक कर हर बार खुद ही राह ढून्ढ ली 
और बेसुध अकेले ही चल दिए टूटे अरमानो के साथ। 

बहुत कहा उनसे छोड़ जाने को हमें 
उन्होंने किया वादा कि कभी ना छोड़ेंगे 
जब थी उनकी ज़रूरत, जब नहीं चाहा कि वो जाए 
तब सब कुचल के वो निकल गया अपनी अलग राह पर 

उनका दामन छूटा तो हमने लड़ना सीखा 
सीखा उन सभी तूफ़ानो से जूझना, जिनके आने पे हम उनके पीछे छिप जाते थे।
लड़ते थे उनकी हर मुश्किल से, पर अपनी तकलीफों से घबरा जाते थे। 

आज भी वो पल याद करके सिहर उठते हैं 
जब रौंद दिया था हमारे सभी ख्वाबों को। 
ज़हर जैसे शब्दों से जला दिया सभी उम्मीदों को। 
जब हर पल हमारे साथ साथ कोसा हमारे माँ-बाप को भी 
जब हमें पैदा करने वाले ही एक गाली बन गए उनके लिए। 

काश ये समय वापस पलट पाता, काश हम सब कुछ ठीक कर पाते 
काश उन्हें अपनी बात समझा पाते, काश उनकी खुशबू में खो पाते। 
ये काश एक ऐसा लफ्ज़ है जो सबसे ज़यादा दर्द दे जाता है 
और हाथ हमेशा खाली रह जाता है। 

होता वही है जो ऊपरवाले ने सोच रखा है 
हम तो बस ज़िन्दगी में आगे बड़ सकते हैं उन यादों को सँवारे।

Self destruction

Is anger the only Self-Destructing factor! Isn't guilt also guilty for the same crime! Guilt for having done something which is not wrong but may not feel right. Guilt for thinking about your rights, putting somebody else down even though you didn't put their rights at stake but just defended yours.

 

Guilt is so strong of an emotion that even anger cant take it over.

 

When a person is feeling guilty for having hurt somebody in pursuit of their own peace even if they didn't mean it personally or it wasn't anything significant enough.

 

It’s a feeling that a mother feels after beating up her kid when he doesn’t study, knowing that marks can never make up for these bruises. A feeling that haunts a person who left house after shouting at their mother for she doesn't understand that they are getting late for office or college or just for a party, while their mother just wanted them to eat something. It is when you shout at your mother because she didn't hear you well the first three times that you are not well and don't feel like talking but do we understand that she NEEDS to talk. It is when you shout at an old driver because he irritated you, someone who is as old as your father. It is when you pushed someone on the road innocently having ice cream just because they were in your path when you were angry at somebody else. It is when you tell someone bluntly that they are irritating you and they just go quiet and don't talk at all making you feel that they were innocent and you are the culprit to have mistreated them but do they realize what they were doing. You feel guilty after reacting over a situation which was out of your control and not a big deal at all. It is when we don't react when people hurt us knowingly and it keeps heaping inside us and blasts out one day on anyone, guilty or not!

 

On occasions you feel guilty for yourself after not reacting over a situation which was offensive to you, putting your happiness and rights at stake making sure that it didn't hurt your relation with the other person. At times you cant and at times you choose not to react. But does it actually save the relationship! Is it not messing up with your head that you let wrong happen to yourself? Is it not bothering you that you let someone hurt your self-esteem, that you didn't stand up for your

self? Doesn't it create that discomfort between you and that person!

 

You can feel it churning your insides. It eats you up because you just want to be alone in such situations, you don't trust anyone with their ability to understand you, so you don't talk to anyone! People you like to talk to are not close enough that you share something this personal with them and people who are really close, are not with you on intellectual grounds to understand what's storming your head. Because according to them you are just making a hill out of a mole or not understanding the situation wholly. The fear of being misunderstood adds to your misery; the guilt of your inability to share with your loved ones cripples you! You hate yourself that you don't trust your partner, your parents or your best friend.

 

Thoughts keep whirling inside your head making you dizzy and depressed, depleting your health, causing head ache and ultimately you are just destroying yourself from within making your insides empty, sucking out all the last traces of happiness and love out of you! Love for others, those you make sacrifices for! Because ultimately you are not loving yourself, you are not keeping your SELF happy! Do you think it's about feeding your ego? No, its not! Because as they say, you can keep others happy only if you are happy inside, if you feed your own pleasures. Give yourself all those little things that make you happy. Pampering yourself is the key to the happiness of everyone around you.

 

It's not the regret of having done something but the guilt of the moment that you spoilt for the other person. And it doesn't stop following you even if you tell yourself that the other person would have done the same thing or even worse to spoil your moment, had they been in your shoes.

 

What do you think should be the best possible way to vent out and not feel guilty for anything you did? To deal with the situation when you stood for yourself and someone was hurt for they were denied the fun of seeing you suffering?

Talk

Do you ever feel connected to someone you don’t know enough yet? Connected as in you like to be with them, to talk to them about random things, nothing significant! Not that you connect with them romantically but just intellectually. You do not talk about each other but everything else that matters least to you both; things about yourself that doesn’t matter to the other person at all. Talking to them gives you a sense of connection, makes you feel satisfied, fulfilled and at peace.

When you don’t get to talk to them, you start feeling uneasy as if you haven't got your regular dose of the drug you're addicted to!

At times it becomes so important to talk to someone you don’t know. Just to let out everything that’s brewing inside your head.

Just to vent out whatever is bothering your soul's peace. Not because they matter to you but for the exactly opposite reason! That they don’t matter to you at all and you don’t matter to them either. You can simply be yourself and they wont judge you and make any assumptions or prejudices. They wont have any expectations from you and you don’t have to worry about fulfilling their expectations either.

You can always feel light after talking to them over random topics and forgetting your actual worries in the process. Even if you share your troubles with them, they wont start giving you their worldly wisdom unlike when you share it with people you know. Ideal for situations when you just want to escape your best friend's preaching and just want to talk and let it all out.

They are never going to judge your morals on your mistakes or make any impression of how you are as a person.

Now coming back to where we started!!

Informally, it's like having an intellectual affair, with no romantic touch to it!

It can also be put in the category of infidelity even though you are not cheating on anybody but still you are allowing yourself to drift away from your partner on a higher level, telling yourself that its ok to not share deep stuff with your significant other, that he won't be interested anyway.

And maybe you're right! Maybe the other person would be more interested in listening to you. Maybe your guy would find your ideas, your thoughts absurd and laugh it off. Maybe he will put his much better and much thought off theory on the table. Maybe this other person is seeing things in your perspective for some other reason, things you are too naive to think of. Maybe this is how you started with your guy, talking about higher stuff. Maybe someday this chemistry between you and this stranger will end after you are not strangers anymore and you will start the same relationship with someone new!

At times I feel that this 'talking' habit is a bit dangerous! ;)