Ultimate goal

Even the eventual ultimate goal of our lives is decided by the preset codes of the society. For a guy, it has to be career, success and money. While in this stereotypical society, a girl's life revolves around getting a suitable match for marriage; a guy who is settled as per society's norms.

Why can't a girl choose to prioritize her career, choose not to get married at all, choose to fulfill her dreams and aspirations?

When a guy looks at a luxury car, he's seen as a car frenzy, someone who's aspiring to own it but when a girl admires an expensive car, she's a gold digger because all that she has to do to own that car is marry someone who either has it or can buy it for her.

I don't want to settle down with a guy who earns decent and is either a virgin, desperate to finally have legal (non-objectionable to society and family) sex after getting married and would only look at his wife as a prospective sex partner, wherein rest of her and her issues would come later; or a non-virgin expecting a virgin wife (typical societal norm). And they both would expect me to stay home, be a modest home-maker, bear their children and only crib sitting in front of the television while chopping my veggies and cursing vamps from the daily soaps. He would expect me to take care of his family and the chances are negligible that he would treat my family the way I will be treating his. He is very likely to go to gym and motivate me too until we are married and stuck together forever; once that's done, it only ends up with being taken for granted for the rest of the life.

I want to be financially independent, free-willed, still be able to party with my girl friends, hangout with my own family, take care of my parents, spend time with my siblings, know his friends and not just be a sex-slave who's seen as a child bearing machine and a maid and still be smiling when he comes home "tired" from work. I want to be respected, loved, taken care of, just how my parents raised me. If I can't cook or clean, he should pitch in to help and support; just like he never had to do it or learn how to do it, I didn't learn it either (until my maids ran away!). I want to be me! I do not want to lose my identity.

I read an article about how differently men and women are portrayed on our TV and books when they wake up in the morning after a one-night stand. A guy is described as a super cool carefree dude who may not even remember the girl's name in the morning, will leave once he's up and get a coffee or another drink when leaving, feeling all refreshed and bearing that "Casanova" image. On the other hand, a woman wakes up with regrets and full of guilt, unable to brush off the "ugly" thoughts of the previous night, cursing themselves for letting it happen, for giving in and even feeling "slutty".

The other day I was talking to a friend about  how our mothers are quick learners when it comes to new touch screen phones while our fathers are a bit tad slow with grasping the technology. And I couldn't help my impulsive feminist thoughts to interfere. I generalized it putting it as: why men aren't quick learners while women are? Puzzled, my friend couldn't understand the context but I had to continue anyway.

I proceeded saying that men in this society aren't open to learning from the young or the fairer sex. Whereas, women are open to changes, learning and it's because they are not blocked to accepting things and have always been open to take in. They have always been following men or other powerful ladies in the family or society and have always made to feel incomplete without a man in their life to support them. On the other hand, men are used to  supremacy so  much that it's embedded in their genes now and they just can't seem to accept the fact  that there's something that they lack and can use outside help to fulfill it. They are not as open to changes, adapting and accepting things different from how they see it.

All these things only point towards our highly male chauvinist society. Even with the rise of feminism, and a whole world of awakening towards women rights, we have a long way to go. This change is not sudden but even women seem a little too suppressed to accept it.

I want a family too but my aspirations are different and I'm afraid that I might just ruin it because I do not personify the ideal homely woman as defined by our society. I don't have to stay at home, clean dishes, do laundry and raise children to be a successful homemaker. I can still make a home with the help of a supportive partner. It doesn't have to be a woman's duty alone while both make a home. Why does it have to be a woman to take care of the house and man who gets to go out, have a career, party with friends and groom himself. Why can't they both have a career, friends, parties and responsibilities towards home and kids.

My ultimate goal is not to marry a rich guy, I want to buy my own stuff but I want my partner to share my load and take care of me and my demons while I take care of his. My goal is to be free, have an identity apart from my partner's. I want a respectful life.

There's NO tomorrow

Live like there's no tomorrow, said someone; but how do we take it or do we even take it!

My current state of mind is kinda same, doing everything at the same time, like I won't have a tomorrow. Working, traveling, serving family, learning multiple things, studying, meeting friends, making love and just trying to use every little spare second of my time here. It's like I'll waste my time if I sleep a little extra because the days I sleep extra, I want to cry for the time I lost that I could use for something constructive.

And whatever I do, I do with all my heart. When I dance, I don't care about who thinks what of my movements; when I'm traveling, I want to experience and live it all; when I'm studying, I want to dedicate all my mind and heart to it; I want to do everything I can so my family has nothing left to complain about; I want to spend quality time with friends; only concentrate on my work when I'm working, love making needs a little more dedication from my end and that will come with time once my head is sorted.

I want to learn and make my every waking moment worthwhile. I want to use all my time doing something, when I'm commuting, when I have my face pack on, when I might be on a call with two free hands to do something.

There's so much to do, so much to learn, so much to read, so much to write, so much to share in this world and a life too short. How can I afford to lose any time!? I don't want to die with any regrets of missing out on anything I wanted and could do but didn't. Because there's nothing like couldn't!

My mental state right now!

These days, I'm in a state of numbness, like I'm in trance all the time. I can't recall when did I put up the current status on my WhatsApp and what was I thinking when I put that up. My last night's love making seems like a long lost dream and so real like it is happening to me right now; all at the same time. I'm loving it and hating it in the same moment. I want to get high but I'm scared to lose the little of sanity I'm left with, I might lose it completely. I'm in total control but yet out of control. I have no idea who to talk to, who to share it with; who will understand or even take the pain to understand when even I can't understand this situation, this state of mind on my own. I am only going crazy with this head spinning trail of thoughts going back and forth sickening me in the process. I get blank randomly, I can't register things people say to me.

Am I still stuck on the past? No, I am not. I am happily over it! I reached a high with this guy last night. Has he made enough space in me to touch me from inside? Or have I already shown my ugly side to him to push him away? But I still don't feel free! I can't answer any of these questions.

I have this heady feeling all the time, I can't think through things straight. I don't know what to do. To talk to him, to laugh off the past with him or keep my distance from him to protect him from my darkness, so I don't make the same mistake again! I want him but I can't bear to be with him. It's like my personal space is being breached but at the same time I want to share this space.

Yes, keeping that distance sounds rational but my insides are looking for an escape. Will I end up using him as an escape? I can't be too selfish. I long for something but what is it that my heart longs for? My mental state right now is swinging from 'waiting for the end' to 'bring me back to life'.

Is it only about love in the life or what is it that's affecting me too bad and in ways too extreme! I can't read, I can't write; all that I do is argue and fight with myself. Am I giving in to my demons? Is it about struggle for everyday basic needs of peace and bliss?

Another dream beaten to death by intolerance and then insensitivity

The other day I was sitting at work, planning to go out to have aloo paratha for dinner. Every time I don't carry mum cooked dinner, I prefer going out for the unhygienic paratha instead of half cooked food in the cafeteria that doesn't suit my system. When I asked my colleague to come along, she told me that the vendor is shut down and the area is now covered by the police. Assessing my puzzled look, she was surprised that I didn't know about the incident that had taken place there the previous month; murder of a girl.

A girl in her early 20s, working as a bartender at a couple of places in Gurgaon. She was there for her dinner break, when a friend/ colleague/ competitor also turned up there. They had an argument there which turned into a quarrel which turned into an ugly feud. The other girl called her boyfriend from a nearby Haryana's village, who came along with two other guys carrying thick rods. And they all beat her to death. While the whole world looked on, no one came forward to stop them, to protect her, to call police or to take her to the hospital.

Since she's told me about it, I can't stop thinking about the insensitivity and intolerance in the society. Where was the public outrage that night, that comes out too often and on a huge scale when a politician or a celebrity gives out a controversial "statement". Why did they let her die like that!?

What if it was their daughter or sister being beaten in public? What if it was me? What if I were there? Could I protect her? Had they beaten me too with her? What her family must be going through? Will our society keep letting the innocents die like that by some outrageous intolerant illiterate? Are we scared from people who are among us but never by the wrong? Why do we not stand against these beasts for the innocents? Is it that easy to see someone die like that? Can't we do something with a thought that our family can be their next target!? Someone else blinded by outrage can attack our daughter or son and no one will stand for them and just see them doing because we didn't have enough courage today.

Since my friend told me about it, I just can't stop thinking about this whole scenario, our society, I can't stop crying for her. It isn't about a girl but it could be a boy killed, just like terrorism has no religion, a killed innocent has no gender, it's just a victim.

Talking about insensitivity, it's not gender biased, women are insensitive towards women. You travel in Delhi metro, no woman will offer her seat to an old woman, a woman with a toddler, a pregnant woman or anyone who needs it more than they do. Well, it would be unjust for women who do; which comprises a very small fraction of these travelling women passengers. Some of these needy women will ask for a seat but that's also a very minute number.

Girls would rather pretend sleeping than offering their seat . In fact, the other day a woman got up to catch her child who had just jumped off her lap to hold the pole in front of her and a girl standing in a corner didn't take a moment to come and take her momentarily vacant seat. Now this mother couldn't ask for her seat and stood there holding her child in the moving metro trying to maintain her balance. I waited for a few moments before offering my seat to her, just to observe if anyone else also noticed and would offer her their seat and I was once again convinced of the insensitivity at its all time high.

The world is going to the ditches.

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, there was me and you. Too perfect that no one could imagine us apart. People who didn't know about us, could picture us together without any imperfections. Too perfect, that my friends asked me how we made it last and wishing that they had the same thing. Our laughter invited envy! Today, I look at people and wonder why couldn't WE make it last. They were nothing like us, but they still achieved what we failed at.

Yes, I'm stuck on you. I can't detach myself despite of all the ugly things you said to me, I can't let go of all the good things we shared.

You cursed me that I'll be lonely forever and I am, not because I don't have anyone but I choose to be. There's no one I can talk to about you, who to tell I still want you.

Everytime I close my eyes and imagine a partner, I can't help but see your face. You were not perfect, neither was I but no one seems to have a fraction of what you were, the connection we shared.

They say when two people are meant to be together, the devil does everything in its capacity to pull them apart and we let that devil win or maybe we weren't meant to be together. If we weren't meant to be, then why did it feel so right, so perfect.

I can't even seem to distract myself. All my needs were with you, my emotional needs were killed years ago, my physical needs are suppressed. I fail to satisfy my physical needs, I keep pulling back, my mind is never off you. I don't let anyone enter that part of me where I let them access my innermost sensitive point.

Your kiss made me feel what no one could make me feel since then but I still can't forget the last time you kissed me and the pain of realization that I didn't want to kiss you back. Kissing you under the rain was the best thing that happened to me. You're a loss I can't replace.

You may deny it but I did what I could to protect it, my dignity is what I can't compromise on and you failed to keep it intact. How can I spend my life with someone who can't fulfill my basic hunger of being respected.

There was immense love, where did I go wrong. You loved me, believed in me and my dreams but you didn't respect me. A little respect is all that I asked for.

You always left me in the middle of the road, and I kept waiting forever, I'm still standing right there but the tragedy is you are gone forever and I'm not waiting, I want you but I don't want you to come back. I don't want that misery in my life. I couldn't choose happily never after willingly and I still won't. I went numb the night you left me in a miserable condition, the funny part is I still shared that orange with you, still let you drive me to work. And I still went to work and I couldn't help a tear rolling down the moment my nose pin fell and I realized that it's broken.

Surprisingly, in the days that followed, your indifference made you a victim again of my indifference.

I could spend a life of struggles with you, but I can't spend a life being ill-treated. You took me for granted and the irony is you never realized and you never will.

It's been so long and I still can't trust someone with my love. Only if I was a princess and life was a fairytale!

For me, there's no one like you but eventually I WILL either compromise on my needs or only God knows, I might find someone fine enough or better probably. Someone who will treat me like a human, I'm sure.

Happy Father's Day

You were never an ideal dad like they portray in TV commercials and celebrity dads who are flawless, like dream fathers.

You were not the one who caught us when falling, but you let us fall, so that we could learn on our own to walk again without falling. You didn't lead by letting us hold your finger but you always were in the background to hold us if we run into trouble. You made sure we didn't make the same mistakes as yours.

You let us fight our battles on our own. In fact, you let us figure out what our battles were and how to fight them. You helped us define our independence and taught us respect and dignity; you taught us right from wrong. You made sure we always chose the right. Until the world reminded you that we are daughters and we should know our righteous place as homemakers and family women. The ones to always make sacrifices. You now expect us to forget it all. Forget to fight for ourselves, forget to stand for what's right, forget that we have have a self-esteem too which is not above but equal to our husbands. You are now not open to accept things you may learn from us.

You won't shy away from slapping me if you have to; making me do things I don't want but are good for me. But you still can't see me cry, it hurts you to see me in pain.

You may not be a flawlessly perfect father but we see you as our support system and will always look up to you for values of life. We'll always think of you before making any major or even the puniest decision. Our every action and reaction has us assess your opinion about it before and after.

You are not someone for whom we were the world but we saw you as our whole wide world. Had you cared more about us and less about what others thought, our lives would have been different. Only if you were gutsy enough to fight the world for us, I bet we would have conquered it for you. You never treated us like princesses and made sure that we were always hooked to the ground, close to reality. You never made a safety cocoon for us, you let us see the real ugly world, you let us see it bare so we never had any illusions or fantasies. 

Yes, you don't go by the romantic definition of a father but you made us who we are, you made us real, you made us US.