I'm not invisible

Yes, I'm a girl and I'm not invisible,
I have mass and occupy space
I'm not air that you'll pass through me

I'm not Neo from Matrix,
I can't always dodge you with super-natural flexibility

Yes, I'm walking on the road,
But I was behind a man you gave enough space to walk through

Dressing up traditionally doesn't make me fragile or vulnerable

Do you really think that my spatial sense doesn't work
That I won't know where your bent elbow is directed

No, I didn't push you
I just put my hand in front of me

If it wasn't my hand on you, it would have been yours on me

Not looking at you, doesn't make me blind,
How can you try to avoid the person behind me and walk right into me until I stare you away

Looking down at the road doesn't mean, I can't see you coming
I can also see when you change your direction, stiffen your shoulder or position your elbow

Being a woman doesn't make me dumb
I know what's going on in your mind just by looking at you

I won't shy away from shouting, having an argument in the middle of the road

The worst you can do is shout louder and abuse
Tell everyone that I've lost it but you can't touch me

Go ahead and try to scare me but I'm not losing my ground against you

Random thought

My relationship with my cab mate is like that sex partner with no strings attached. We can have a good talk and even a stimulating one at times in the comfort of the office transport but looking at each other in the eye with broader audience is uneasy.

We share a hearty laugh at times and connect over things but come the next day, we bumping into each other at work gets uncomfortable and all we can come up with is a mild smile or avoiding each other awkwardly.

Well, talking of sex partner with no strings attached, I'm pretty comfortable with mine!

Who's brave?

Who's brave?

The one who expresses,
Or the one who hides?
The one who speaks up,
Or the one who stays quiet?
The one who bares it all,
Or the one who can hide?

The one who can flaunt the bruises,

Or the one who can disguise?

The one who gives up,

Or the one who holds on all the while?

The one who feels,

Or the one whose emotions dried?

The one who recognizes and acknowledges those emotions,

Or the one who denies?

The one who loves,

Or the one who can just despise?

The one who can cry,

Or the one who fakes the smile?

The one who can speak the truth,

Or the one who clearly lies?

काश...

काश हम भी अपना दिल हल्का कर पाते
काश तुमसे अपने दिल की बात कह पाते
काश ना रहते चुप, ना रहते ऐसे घुटके
तुमसे लड़ पाते, रो पाते, शिकायत कर पाते
ना रहते यूँ सुन्न
कि अब अपनी धड़कन भी सुनाई नही देती
पर तुम्हारे ख्याल से आज भी सांस रुक जाती है
काश तुम्हे भुलाना इतना आसान होता
जितनी आसानी से तुमने भुला दिया
ये सच है कि तुमने साथ दिया
पर कैसे भूल जाये जो तुम ठुकरा के चल दिये
हमने तो कभी मुँह नहीं मोड़ा
फिर कैसे पत्थर दिल बोल दिया
बस चाहा कि तुम्हे हो गलती का एहसास
तुमने तो हमें ही सज़ा सुना दी
आखिर तक किया इंतज़ार तुम्हारा 

हम तो आज भी उसी उजड़े चमन में खड़े हैं
इंतज़ार नहीं किसी का भी अब
आँखों ने बंद किया रस्ता देखना अब
हैं आज भी कई सवाल पर तुमसे जवाब की उम्मीद नहीं
जो कहानी चुपचाप शुरू हुई, वैसी ही शांति से खत्म भी हो गई
उसके बीच में जो मधुर संगीत हमने बनाया, वो किसी ने नहीं सुना
हमें प्यार करना तुम्हारी गलती थी, तुम्हें ना भुला पाना हमारी
अलग होना हम दोनों की, लो अब हिसाब बराबर
हर बार तुमने कहीं ना जाने का वादा किया
पर मुझे था यकीन तुम्हारे जाने का
कभी कमज़ोर नहीं पड़ी , और ना आज पड़ूँगी
अपना आज कैसे अपना पाऊँगी
अगर कल से ही जूझती रहूंगी
सोचा अब तेरे बारे में लिखना बंद करुँ
सोचा अब अलविदा कहुँ।

Supplement

Supplements.

You never need it but you create a need anyway.

Then you become an addict, you need it all the time that the supplement starts to feel it's a part of your life.

Then one fine day, someone walks in to remind you that your life doesn't depend on it and you can do much better with the real stuff. That brings an end to your relationship with the supplements, you replace it with other ingredients that fulfill your needs, whereas supplements don't have an alternative, they lie discarded somewhere in a bin.

Being humans, our habits reflect in everything that we do: we use supplements to feel better, we have people to feel better; we get addicted to supplements, we get addicted to people; we replace supplements, we replace people, we discard supplements.

29 and single

I'm 29 and still single. Because of him. By single I don't mean unmarried because marriage anyway has no importance in my life; it's just an eligibility criteria to live with someone.

I'm not missing on anything in my life, I'm living it pretty well. But there's an absence of a friend that I had in him. He defined something that no one else can fit in. He left a vacuum that leaves me breathless.

Since his betrayal, I haven't been able to trust anyone with myself. I have no one to share all the good things with. No one who'd be genuinely happy for my success, who'd give me a true smile on seeing me. No one who'd  make me feel valued. He may laugh at me but he'll also cry with me. Today, it's not just the well of my eyes but hormones in my deep belly that have dried up. Emotional and physical sensations and needs have gone numb.

No empathy, all bare piercing fingers pointing at me. Declaring himself clean and me the ugliest of all, to live with guilts I didn't earn. If someone you felt so deep with can walk out on you, then who else can you trust to stay.

Scare 'em

You wanna scare them?

You gotta know their weakness...

Cut your hair short,

Color it bold,

Let it down.

Get a tattoo that's not a butterfly or his name,

Something that defines you and your faith.

Wear high heels,
Wear red lipstick,
Wear your eyebrows high.

Stand tall,
Keep your shoulders square,
Look them in the eye.

Have an opinion,
Speak your mind,
Pursue your heart.

Embrace your awesomeness,

Don't be modest,

Don't settle for less,

Ask for what you deserve,

Be fearless.

To add grace and glory to all of it, always wear a smile. It breaks 'em.

Number game and marriage

At 13, I was biologically ready to get married
At 18, I was legally ready to get married
At 21, I had the basic level of education to get a decent match; I was a graduate
At 24, it was now my turn to get married after the last of my elder siblings was married
At 25, it was peak time to get married as per the society
At 27, I was a woman declared old enough to plan for kids right after I'm married instead of having a get-to-know-each-other time with my would-be partner because my biological clock was ticking
Today, at 29, I should be thinking of settling with whatever comes my way because I've crossed the right age to choose for myself

But no one has told me yet, which number is associated with being mentally ready and fit to be married, to make a home.

Every shade of dark possible

I've done things I don't approve of; I'm not proud of. Or is it the code of conduct set by the society for a girl that I've broken, things they don't deem right! I work in night shifts, 28 (turning 29 in November) and single. I don't have anyone in my life and I don't wish to give that special space to anyone, not until someone tries really hard to break through. Sadly, mine is not a fairytale life so how to expect a prince on a white horse. I don't live in a fantasy world but I was in love too once. Or maybe still am. I'm still in love with the guy I met 10 years ago, who caught my attention out of 60 students in the class, sitting at the back, having no qualms about the world outside his. But maybe I'm not loyal. I let myself get closer to someone else even though it was a momentary attraction; I came clear on it with him; I had no reasons to hide. I also refused to marry him and he walked out of my life just like he came. Does love have to end in marriage!?

I disappointed him and everyone else around me. I've slept with guys I wasn't in love with. I left with a guy I met at the bar even though nothing happened with him but that step of leaving with him left me with self-loathe. Self-loathe because it felt wrong towards the friend I was currently sleeping with that I decided not to tell him about it thinking I might hurt him by that. Since I did nothing, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone anything anyway; but how do I justify this self destructive feeling. But how am I wrong, it's not like we are in a relationship or have any expectations at that level with each other. But maybe I was plain scared of being judged and labelled. But it eventually takes away my trust from myself. And this same guy said that I 'went dark with that point' but there's no way I can tell him about what I did while with him and when in a relationship once. Somehow I could tell my guy about it but for some unknown reason I'm too scared to tell him about it. My sunsign, known to be dark, is also a deep thinker so they say we just think deep and are not really dark. So am I really dark? Who decides what or who is dark? If they don't approve it, it becomes dark, everything else is good! And you become an angel as long as you follow their rulebook.

I want to travel to far off places, alone. However, this country isn't safe for solo women travelers so the most I've been able to do yet is travel with single woman companion. Given my rebel attitude, I might even do it someday, travel alone while that is only going to leave women around me green with envy as no one else could do it yet. I'm definitely not the first or the only one to have done any of the different or wrong things. But I chose to walk out of the closet, do things I wasn’t supposed to be doing and take the accountability.

It is very difficult to admit your wrongs without holding someone else accountable for causing it. I've always taken the responsibility for everything I did, right or wrong. My life would have been a different world if I had the least of these skills they call sales and marketing of life and its events. I have always been called 'Mahila Morcha', 'Jhansi ki Rani', and other names since childhood until feminism came into trend and it got a fancy term. Yes, it sounds mean when you say that you turned down the proposal of marriage, being a 24 year old and only because you are a girl. But no one cares about the reason that might have lead you to that decision. Maybe that's why I never shared the reasons of breaking up with this guy after about 5 years of togetherness for next two years. Only if I was to use my timed marketing skills and give myself a fancy term, I'd have used the 'time' I had marks on the face, empty patches on the scalp and a broken nose pin. Instead of silently visiting a doctor for two years I'd have gained myself heaps of sympathy while each of my friend accused me of breaking up with a guy as sweet and perfect. Irrespective, the respect was stronger than the love since ever; respect for myself and for the family that raised me. These turn of events over a couple of years turned me cynical about companionship. True love starts with self love. You can't love someone else or have someone else love you if you ill-treat and disrespect yourself or let someone else do it to you. I had lost myself while I was with someone. It wasn't until I was alone that I realized the self worth and discovered the importance of self love.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it

I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

that for me it isn't over yet

Nevermind I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

don't forget me, I beg

I remember you say

sometime it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

Nothing compares, no worries no cares

regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

-Adele (Someone like you)

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.

No one ever cared about what I want or what I need; what have I done not to deserve a little care and love!

Judgement

Friend: You're judgemental. 

Me: What do you mean? 

Friend: You judge people, have a fixed mindset about them.

Me: No, I don't judge people. I just have an opinion of how I feel they are, how I perceived them based on what I saw or experienced around them. And that can always be changed.

Him: He's crazy to call you that. Isn't he being judgemental himself by calling you judgemental! Don't overthink, he isn't worth it. 

Me: Maybe you're right. I shouldn't think about it. He's being judgemental by calling me judgemental and then not accepting that he's judging me. 

Him: You're mean, you don't care about me. My friends were right when they said you aren't right for me, I deserve better. You are better off with people who don't matter, you'll end up alone someday, you won't have anyone around you. 

Me (to self): What did I do to deserve these curses. Asked him to gather himself in crisis; did not mother him; expected him to act like an adult. And how were his friends allowed to judge me, what did they know about me, when I wasn't even myself around them. Their vibes never made me comfortable in their presence. How were they let off with an opinion about me, without even knowing me. I only wonder how powerful their influence was on him that they could affect his thoughts about me; how immature and easily manipulated he was; that after spending years with me, he could not figure what was right and what was an illusion. 

Always kept him informed about my darkness, my fears, my flaws but eventually it was them who tell him about me better. Amazes me how powerful, influential and intellectual those friends were.