Self destruction mode. Check.

I'm ugly. Ugly by every definition of it. Many would attest to it.

And in this world driven by a glorified definition of external beauty, I'm desired only behind closed doors. For reasons known only to two of us, where the other one keeps changing. Every one only wants a piece of me but not me. Maybe because they don't see me. But am I really putting myself out there? Is it really them having me or me having them and walking on? I devour them and I'm done with them. Some times it feels like I hurt them for being next to me, for I want to punish someone for everything. Everything that's wrong with the world.l I've turned into something I never imagined I would be.

I feel deteriorated, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I still hold myself strong and stand tall. I cry myself to sleep but the world knows they fail trying to break me.

Apparently, I've only surrounded myself with the kind that only brings the worst in me. Or maybe they just let me be and I feel myself with them around. The ones who push me to the edge and then a chain reaction begins. I hurt them, then I hurt myself for hurting them.

Dead, broken or lost?

Once again I stood up. Once again I asked for something. Once again you turned around and stepped away. Once again you left me in the middle of nowhere. Once again I'm lost, trying to find my way home. But this time, I've lost home. I made home in the eye of the storm. Can't find it coz it's been swept away. Does it mean I'm homeless forever?

I knew you'll not look back coz you never did. The only difference is, then I got to tell you that I was lost when I got home. But not this time. I won't tell you and you don't care. Well, you didn't even back then.

But if I can't get home, how can I get on a new journey. Not until I finish this one. And I don't see any end to it. A homeless person can't be home to someone else.

I don't want to bleed on someone who didn't cut me. That's why I'm protecting the wound that refuses to heal.

No, you aren't my home. You can't be. Coz you came behind my back and ruined what I had built for myself and shrugged off the responsibility. Hypersensitive me could sense it but naive me turned a blind eye.

I gave my all but all you saw was emptiness. Every diamond looked like a glass. I scraped everything to the bottom that I have nothing left for myself anymore.

Now all I want is to see you homeless, while sitting in a home.

The only fear

Until today I thought that my life's only fear was to end up with the wrong person. But there's another side to it: to never find the right one. The one who offers to hold my hand. There's a strange knot in my throat to think that I'll never have someone look at me the way Gilbert Blythe looks at Anne.

I've been giving away pieces of myself hoping to numb this fear. That there's nothing right and everything's wrong so it doesn't really matter what I end up with or not. Or have I been so busy mourning the loss of one, erecting all sorts of barriers around me, that's actually doing the opposite? Keeping the right out and letting the wrong in. Or is it just me attracting all the ugly in the world?

I've mastered the art of pushing people away. Especially the nice ones. I sense the kind of person they are, instantly figure out their off points and then serve it on a platter. I've become an automatic repulsion machine. I don't even realise that I'm doing it.

There was a time when I wanted to get married. Maybe I still do but the idea of an unhappy relationship haunts me. Nothing can assure that the nice guy today will not turn horrendous tomorrow. So why not stay safe and get rid of them before they have the opportunity to hurt you. At other times when I meet a real nice person, the realisation hits that maybe I'm undeserving of it and I can't put everything nice to test.

Yes, it hurts when I watch or read love stories and the fact that I may never have one of my own. I may never find my true love. Maybe not everyone finds their soulmate.

Apt adjectives

You take your stand, they call you stubborn

You reason with them, they call you difficult

You tell the truth, they call you daunting

You call out what's rightfully yours, they call you thankless

You hold your ground, they call you shameless

You ask for things you deserve, they call you a rebel without cause

You decline what doesn't sit well with you, they call you uncultured

You take your own decisions, they call you immoral

You mention freedom, they call you uncouth

You get comfortable, they call you easy

For every action you take and choice you make, they have an adjective for you

I am like Him

I'm rational. I'm impulsive.

I'm innocent. I'm brainy.

I'm carefree. I'm aware.

I'm calm. I'm fiery.

I'm plain. I'm vibrant.

I'm giving. I expect.

I'm detached. I'm affected.

I'm righteous. I make mistakes.

I'm unforgiving. I give second chances.

I'm a shadow in the background. I'll be the guiding light.

I'm bound. I'm limitless.

I'm a devotee. I'm Him.

If you thought we're different, it's time for you to rethink.

Har har Mahadev! (Everyone is Mahadev!)

Moving on

Moving on literally means moving on from one to another. In relationships, do you really move on? And if you do, was it really the one with love involved?  Was there any love involved at all? Or does love just die? How does it die for one and not for another? Why is it the one who always denied its existence that suffers the most when it's gone? Never believed but never played with it. Or is it an addiction so addictive that you can't get over it even when it has gone absconding for years? Yes, that's what I thought. You don't fall in love, you get addicted to people, to their presence around you, to the happy feeling. And not everyone has trouble dealing with addictions. Some never get addicted, some quit easily with minor withdrawal symptoms and some die without it.

Goddess of bad choices or just another human

Not sure if everyone makes as many mistakes or I'm a special case. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's only going to feel like a mistake momentarily or it's going to give my life a bad turn forever.

Some choices were impulsive and some were selfish but isn't every one a little selfish. Even if one thinks through a decision well, can they not make a bad choice! What ensures (or insures) the decisions that we make, that every choice we make will lead us to the right place.

Or maybe I'm too scared to choose the better option coz I don't find myself worthy enough. Maybe I'm scared of rejection, of being told that how could I even think I could ask for it. What if I'm not enough, what if it's too good for me!

Failure

When do you fail? When you don't succeed at something or when you don't attempt at all?

What hurts the most? Trying and not succeeding or not trying at all?

Failure may be the opposite of success but it doesn't mean if you don't succeed, you fail. You fail when you don't try, when you don't sweat at all. Just like our former President Mr. Kalam said, "Dream is not the thing you see in sleep but is that thing that doesn't let you sleep." If you didn't make efforts to reach your goal, if you didn't take that first step, you're a failure. Then maybe your dream wasn't deep enough, maybe you didn't feel it because it didn't wake you up. It didn't stir your comfort.

And I failed today. I don't even deserve to cry because I couldn't step out of my comfort, couldn't change a thing to achieve what I thought I wanted. But is wanting enough? No, it isn't. I can't blame my circumstances or put it on my destiny that it wasn't meant for me. I believe in destiny but I don't rely on it. I've always gone against the wind to choose my path, make my choices. Had I tried hard, given it my sweat and then if it hadn't worked out, then I had a face to say anything about it. Right now, I can only look down at the ground and go back home, go back to the comfort of the routine. Yes, I had nothing to lose even if it hadn't worked out but guess what, I won't know that ever.

You don't deserve to cry, whine or complain unless you've shed a little blood for your goal. If it didn't make you uncomfortable, you didn't do enough. I never believed in this concept but now I swear by it. I can say it because I saw other faces also, tears in eyes, maybe because they thought they at least deserved a chance to try for all the hard work they had been doing for months or maybe years; but they were denied that opportunity, and I'm sure they lacked somewhere too and that's why they were there standing next to me.

I might have failed this time, at this one but I'll make all the efforts to make the rest of it work. I've had my lesson today, I won't take my dreams for granted anymore, I thought I'm all action but today was a wake up call. I have walked out of my discomfort in the past to make things work and they did. I hope I had for this one too.

What do I want?

What is it that I want, really? I want to be loved but I don't want to love. I care for but I don't expect the same in return. Maybe because I'm afraid of heartaches. But I've always been like that, even as a young girl who had been with someone for over four years.

I want to spend my life with someone and yet be on my own terms and have my own space. I want to get involved but do not belong to anyone. There was a time when people belonged to each other but they were never involved because they were tied to each other without their will. Saying that it was against their will would be incorrect because they barely had any.

Am I becoming one of those I've always hated, those who'd do anything in the name of being independent, modern and free. Yes, I'm independent, modern and rational. I haven't bound myself with conventions yet I'm traditional. I don't believe in irrational superstitions yet I'm religious. I welcome suggestions and healthy discussions but I don't want to be told what to do.

Is it unacceptable for someone to enjoy their own company, antisocial to want to stay alone, cold to want to sleep alone?

To the one I'm going to marry

Arranged marriage or love marriage doesn't really make a difference as long as there's a synchronicity in thoughts.

And I don't think I can find someone with the same thought process as mine. It won't work out with mel if you're a boring person, stuck and slogging in a boring job, expecting to get married to a girl who'll wait with perfectly round chapatis at dinner, will smile all the time and abide by all your wishes, bear you children and then raise them like she was the only one responsible for their birth and never ask you for anything.

I love food. I'm not someone who'll go on any crazy diet to lose weight to soothe anyone's eyes. I can't make chapatis, let alone perfect round. I also have a career so I'd expect both of us to cook, not in turns but regularly. I'm not going to quit my job, I've also got a promotion recently which I don't think you'd care about. I've tried my hand at chapatis for a very long time but could never master it so I expect my partner to fill the gap there. I quit my job as a software engineer to work as a voice coach only because I enjoy it and I'm never going to quit to fit the family demand. I don't like kids so I never want any. I don't really ask, when I want to go on a vacation. Because I know you won't ask me either. If you can accompany me, great or I don't mind going alone. I can't stay home for long on weekends, I may stay home and laze around or I may go out and loosen out. I don't need you for superficial things like finances, I can take care of it myself. I want you for deeper needs.

I don't blame you, that's not entirely your fault. That's how you've been raised. It was another woman to tell you it's ok to expect irrational things from another woman who'd be your wife, it's ok to suppress her. I hope you are mature enough, you've seen enough of this world to know better.

Nothing against you

We have never met, yet I developed a dislike for you. We don't even know each other, yet I stalk (not follow) YOU on Insta, instead of him. That's not enough to know you as a person, yet I can't stop judging. We both have our own flaws, yet I see myself over you. I know you lack everything that makes me a mean person, yet it feels better to call you a bitch. We belong to two different worlds, yet you seem to possess what could have been mine. No, you didn't steal him, yet I know you were a part of our story I never knew. I don't think he told you about me, yet I want you to know you are nothing like me. You might be a gentle breeze under the shining sun, yet I was the fire that lit his soul. You might give him what I couldn't, yet I'll always be the first to have felt his warmth. I'm not sure if I exist for you, yet you have invaded my peace. You are a stranger, yet your smile pierces through my heart. I don't love him anymore, yet it's shattering to see him with you. I don't want him back, yet I can't let anyone else in my world. It's not your fault, yet I spend my thoughts cursing you. I hold no grudges against him, yet I can't seem to accept that he's happy with you. They tell me that despite my short-temper I'm like an angel, yet you seem to wear the halo. They tell me I'm irreplaceable, yet I was replaced by you.

¡¿Confused?!

I've always been confused with a lot of things. I can't understand the way things work in the world. I'm not a very quick thinker, but I believe in deep thinking. I can't assimilate things right away, I need time with them to understand. I may not be attentive to you, I may be lost in my own thoughts, evaluating and assessing things in my own light.

I don't know if I miss the person or the memories. Just because I've been thinking about someone or curious about the current events in their life, doesn't mean I miss the person. I may just think of all the good or the bad times, how things were left incomplete and unanswered midway. I may be plain curious in my head instead of poking my nose in someone's business. At times I'm very calculative, and at other times, I'm just impulsive. At times quick thinker, at others, assimilating and assessing.

I don't know if I like you, or I love you. I can't tell the difference between love and addiction. I may just like being with you, talking to you. I may just do it coz of my inability to confide everything in one person amid my trust issues. I'm comfortable and intimate with you, that's why I share things about me. Or maybe I'm telling you only coz I want to talk about it and you happen to be there and I know you won't lecture me coz we aren't that close. See, I just used intimate and not close enough in two consecutive sentences. I keep you close but still distant enough. In my confusion, I leave you confused. I want you to be around but then I want you to leave me alone. I want you to listen to me, but I have nothing to say to you. I want to sit with you but not talk. I want to listen to you but I don't want you to rant about yourself. I like your company but I don't want to suffocate myself with your smell.

I've been asked a couple of times if I'm a religious person but I don't know how to answer that. Yes, I believe in God but I don't believe in orthodox beliefs. Religion is very personal, between me and Him. I go to temples and I don't care if I'm bleeding. I praise the Lord but I don't know any chants by heart. I don't know how to pray but I prefer to converse. I can't follow the norms set in the name of purity and cleanliness. I can't ask for things but I believe the Lord knows coz I talk to Him all the time. When I travel, I like to visit temples, I don't know if it's because I'm religious or because I'm ticking things off my bucket list or coz it's easier to get permission for religious places. I don't know how does one qualify to be called a spiritual person. I don't meditate, but I have my days when I'm blank, no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions and I'm at peace, without sitting in a position and chanting or concentrating. Does that count?

Yes, I enjoy art in every form but I don't have to overanalyze everything that I see. I don't have to like or criticize every piece of art I come across. I can simply look at it, appreciate the hard work artist put into it and walk on.

I don't understand why do we have to put things in one or the other basket that have been defined, why can't we create our own bucket to hold things! Why can't we let someone be! Why can't I say I don't know without being judged. Why should I be labeled as confused or slow for taking time to process what you asked! Why am I expected to understand everything right away! Why can't you explain it uncomplicated!

Why don't you just let me be!?

Never over my dignity

You come into my life as my father, as my partner and at every opportunity you try to remind me that you are over me. At any given time, you take my love for granted, you think you can take my dignity for a ride. Yes, I love you, I respect you but never am I going to allow you to crush my pride.

I love too deep and my hate turns into indifference. You may not appreciate my indifference for I'm at my coldest there. I may be a disappointment to you, so are you, to me.

You have the impression that you're over or ahead of me for I'm being humble before you. But don't push me too hard that I stop caring at all and you're only left with regret and remorse.

Yes, we have been brought up in a society where both of us have been taught from the start that we could have an oppressor-oppressed relationship where it's only you who get to oppress. I understand it becomes hard for you too to change now but let's face it, I have changed, I have grown and I have realized that I won't be the suppressed one. No, I don't want to come to the side of oppression, but I only want to be liberated. I want to be free and make my own decisions, love the life the way I choose to. But I don't want you to bow down and vanish from the scene, I want you to stand by me and hold me if I fall down or direct me when I'm lost. Like I did with you, for you. Be, for me, with me.

Addiction

A couple of days ago I was having a conversation with a friend's brother. He was talking about addiction, to all things tranquilizing, sense numbing. His thought was that people don't get addicted, they establish a relationship with that substance and quitting it is similar to losing a loved one. This made me smile and laugh for once because I established a similar relationship between the two but the other way round. My idea is people don't fall in love, they get addicted to a person's presence, to having conversations with them, to sharing their life with them; just like they would, to a drug. I'm not giving any robust philosophy or ideology, everyone has their own train of thoughts to take them places; this happens to be mine. Cursed are those who can't differentiate between habit and love. Cursed because they can't tell the deep feelings and a routine apart.

The worst kind of addiction is to people. I've been on alcohol, nicotine, weed but never have I ever been addicted to anything, not even people. Maybe that's why I come across as cold to many.

I heard it on a YouTube video once: "addiction begins with the hope that something 'out there' can instantly fill up the emptiness inside." I almost feel the validity of the idea.

I have been addicted to people and I have been rational enough to have acknowledged that, in time. But love and relationships don't have to have any rationale behind their existence. Maybe I haven't experienced love yet or maybe my philosophy of love being nothing more than an addiction is true.

Marriage Material

I don't know how they define a marriage material girl in this society. But what I know for sure is that I don't fit the bill.

A girl who loves her husband and his family: I can love, I love everyone who's close to me, everyone who's family. Though don't expect me to bleed myself for you. I'm a practical soul which doesn't imply I don't care.

A girl who makes sacrifices: I made many in the past and swore not to make the same mistake again if it keeps my long term happiness at stake.

A girl who stays at home and takes care of it: I know how to take care of my home and also that I don't have to stay at home to take care of it. And when I share it with someone, how can it be my sole responsibility.

A girl who makes her husband's dreams hers: yes, I'll love you with my whole and push you to achieving your goals, however, being an individual, I have my own dreams that I'd like to pursue too.

A girl who keeps her happiness aside for others' sake: How can I be expected to keep anyone happy, when I'm not happy inside.

Guys in our society are not raised to compromise and adjust. Their mental makeup won't allow them to adjust with me. Given these circumstances, I don't think I'll ever be marriage ready.

Turning 30

Just like in fantasy books or movies, you grow up thinking that something magical or unexpected would happen to you too at a certain age. Like an owl delivering a letter when you turn 11 to tell you that you're a wizard and you were just being protected from danger. Or a till-now-non-existent grandmother appearing at your doorstep on your 14th birthday to inform you of your fate as a princess.

You expect that things will turn upside down and you'd have a whole new world to yourself, some day. I had similar expectations as a kid. But as you grow up, you know that birthdays don't bring you magic or  surprises, people around you do. Every year you only get additional responsibilities, worldly wisdom and experiential learning. I'd still be very excited for my birthday that a new age will bring new challenges with it and with my birthday closing in, I'd lose all the excitement. For by then I know that it'd only be me jumping around in excitement and no one else is as excited, when my birth wasn't celebrated, there's no reason to celebrate the annual reminder.

For my 30th, I was thrilled to have achieved a milestone and the only thing I asked for was to be with friends and celebrate the special number.

Though it looks like something new and unexpected did happen this time. 2 hours into the day, I lost a very good friend. He's annoying, has always been but was still dear to me. This time when I told him, God knows what got him, he ended the celebration without clearly telling me what happened and we both went home. By the time I got home, I had understood and the realization irked me.

When I had first watched the movie 'Turning 30', I had also fantasized about turning 30 and how interesting would life be. Little did I know that I'd suck at 30. I don't have a boyfriend I'd expect to propose me for marriage, no ex who would still support me and no talent to write AND publish a book. My career sucks, I'm still at a budding stage where all my friends and batch mates are doing well in their jobs, moving ahead professionally, getting married or at least dating. But then I remind myself, I've always been late but that doesn't make me a failure. I maybe starting things today but who knows I might achieve something greater than all of them. They are all in the same race, I have my own where I don't have to compete with anyone but beat myself at every step. I don't have anyone at present and I have an ex, I don't like to call ex. He's more of my past, not someone I used to be with. It was a life chapter and the pages just turned. I also happened to leave my mark on his insta account accidentally that I can't reverse. My friends say that I stalk him, but I don't. I'm just curious of what he's up to. Or maybe I am stalking him and I'm not open to admit. No, I don't miss him or want him back. I definitely miss the memories and all the good times we had. No, it's nothing about being single or being grumpy because everyone else is engaged. It's just one of the things that's a hype around me at this age.

One thing that is probably happening right is I get to travel and experience life. And that also is an itch for a couple of close family members. Now I can't explain to them how is it different for me and I don't even intend to, to be honest. Though it definitely hurts a little to have your own peeps hindering your happiness but that's not newborn unique to me, people have usually had close family creating all the nuisance in their lives. I still have no clue with respect to what direction am I headed to, personally, professionally or spiritually. Am I really wasting my 30th? Or the best is yet to come?! The best way out is to take a day at a time, the best advice a friend gave once.

I'm not invisible

Yes, I'm a girl and I'm not invisible,
I have mass and occupy space
I'm not air that you'll pass through me

I'm not Neo from Matrix,
I can't always dodge you with super-natural flexibility

Yes, I'm walking on the road,
But I was behind a man you gave enough space to walk through

Dressing up traditionally doesn't make me fragile or vulnerable

Do you really think that my spatial sense doesn't work
That I won't know where your bent elbow is directed

No, I didn't push you
I just put my hand in front of me

If it wasn't my hand on you, it would have been yours on me

Not looking at you, doesn't make me blind,
How can you try to avoid the person behind me and walk right into me until I stare you away

Looking down at the road doesn't mean, I can't see you coming
I can also see when you change your direction, stiffen your shoulder or position your elbow

Being a woman doesn't make me dumb
I know what's going on in your mind just by looking at you

I won't shy away from shouting, having an argument in the middle of the road

The worst you can do is shout louder and abuse
Tell everyone that I've lost it but you can't touch me

Go ahead and try to scare me but I'm not losing my ground against you

Random thought

My relationship with my cab mate is like that sex partner with no strings attached. We can have a good talk and even a stimulating one at times in the comfort of the office transport but looking at each other in the eye with broader audience is uneasy.

We share a hearty laugh at times and connect over things but come the next day, we bumping into each other at work gets uncomfortable and all we can come up with is a mild smile or avoiding each other awkwardly.

Well, talking of sex partner with no strings attached, I'm pretty comfortable with mine!

Who's brave?

Who's brave?

The one who expresses,
Or the one who hides?
The one who speaks up,
Or the one who stays quiet?
The one who bares it all,
Or the one who can hide?

The one who can flaunt the bruises,

Or the one who can disguise?

The one who gives up,

Or the one who holds on all the while?

The one who feels,

Or the one whose emotions dried?

The one who recognizes and acknowledges those emotions,

Or the one who denies?

The one who loves,

Or the one who can just despise?

The one who can cry,

Or the one who fakes the smile?

The one who can speak the truth,

Or the one who clearly lies?

काश...

काश हम भी अपना दिल हल्का कर पाते
काश तुमसे अपने दिल की बात कह पाते
काश ना रहते चुप, ना रहते ऐसे घुटके
तुमसे लड़ पाते, रो पाते, शिकायत कर पाते
ना रहते यूँ सुन्न
कि अब अपनी धड़कन भी सुनाई नही देती
पर तुम्हारे ख्याल से आज भी सांस रुक जाती है
काश तुम्हे भुलाना इतना आसान होता
जितनी आसानी से तुमने भुला दिया
ये सच है कि तुमने साथ दिया
पर कैसे भूल जाये जो तुम ठुकरा के चल दिये
हमने तो कभी मुँह नहीं मोड़ा
फिर कैसे पत्थर दिल बोल दिया
बस चाहा कि तुम्हे हो गलती का एहसास
तुमने तो हमें ही सज़ा सुना दी
आखिर तक किया इंतज़ार तुम्हारा 

हम तो आज भी उसी उजड़े चमन में खड़े हैं
इंतज़ार नहीं किसी का भी अब
आँखों ने बंद किया रस्ता देखना अब
हैं आज भी कई सवाल पर तुमसे जवाब की उम्मीद नहीं
जो कहानी चुपचाप शुरू हुई, वैसी ही शांति से खत्म भी हो गई
उसके बीच में जो मधुर संगीत हमने बनाया, वो किसी ने नहीं सुना
हमें प्यार करना तुम्हारी गलती थी, तुम्हें ना भुला पाना हमारी
अलग होना हम दोनों की, लो अब हिसाब बराबर
हर बार तुमने कहीं ना जाने का वादा किया
पर मुझे था यकीन तुम्हारे जाने का
कभी कमज़ोर नहीं पड़ी , और ना आज पड़ूँगी
अपना आज कैसे अपना पाऊँगी
अगर कल से ही जूझती रहूंगी
सोचा अब तेरे बारे में लिखना बंद करुँ
सोचा अब अलविदा कहुँ।