Never over my dignity

You come into my life as my father, as my partner and at every opportunity you try to remind me that you are over me. At any given time, you take my love for granted, you think you can take my dignity for a ride. Yes, I love you, I respect you but never am I going to allow you to crush my pride.

I love too deep and my hate turns into indifference. You may not appreciate my indifference for I'm at my coldest there. I may be a disappointment to you, so are you, to me.

You have the impression that you're over or ahead of me for I'm being humble before you. But don't push me too hard that I stop caring at all and you're only left with regret and remorse.

Yes, we have been brought up in a society where both of us have been taught from the start that we could have an oppressor-oppressed relationship where it's only you who get to oppress. I understand it becomes hard for you too to change now but let's face it, I have changed, I have grown and I have realized that I won't be the suppressed one. No, I don't want to come to the side of oppression, but I only want to be liberated. I want to be free and make my own decisions, love the life the way I choose to. But I don't want you to bow down and vanish from the scene, I want you to stand by me and hold me if I fall down or direct me when I'm lost. Like I did with you, for you. Be, for me, with me.

Addiction

A couple of days ago I was having a conversation with a friend's brother. He was talking about addiction, to all things tranquilizing, sense numbing. His thought was that people don't get addicted, they establish a relationship with that substance and quitting it is similar to losing a loved one. This made me smile and laugh for once because I established a similar relationship between the two but the other way round. My idea is people don't fall in love, they get addicted to a person's presence, to having conversations with them, to sharing their life with them; just like they would, to a drug. I'm not giving any robust philosophy or ideology, everyone has their own train of thoughts to take them places; this happens to be mine. Cursed are those who can't differentiate between habit and love. Cursed because they can't tell the deep feelings and a routine apart.

The worst kind of addiction is to people. I've been on alcohol, nicotine, weed but never have I ever been addicted to anything, not even people. Maybe that's why I come across as cold to many.

I heard it on a YouTube video once: "addiction begins with the hope that something 'out there' can instantly fill up the emptiness inside." I almost feel the validity of the idea.

I have been addicted to people and I have been rational enough to have acknowledged that, in time. But love and relationships don't have to have any rationale behind their existence. Maybe I haven't experienced love yet or maybe my philosophy of love being nothing more than an addiction is true.

Marriage Material

I don't know how they define a marriage material girl in this society. But what I know for sure is that I don't fit the bill.

A girl who loves her husband and his family: I can love, I love everyone who's close to me, everyone who's family. Though don't expect me to bleed myself for you. I'm a practical soul which doesn't imply I don't care.

A girl who makes sacrifices: I made many in the past and swore not to make the same mistake again if it keeps my long term happiness at stake.

A girl who stays at home and takes care of it: I know how to take care of my home and also that I don't have to stay at home to take care of it. And when I share it with someone, how can it be my sole responsibility.

A girl who makes her husband's dreams hers: yes, I'll love you with my whole and push you to achieving your goals, however, being an individual, I have my own dreams that I'd like to pursue too.

A girl who keeps her happiness aside for others' sake: How can I be expected to keep anyone happy, when I'm not happy inside.

Guys in our society are not raised to compromise and adjust. Their mental makeup won't allow them to adjust with me. Given these circumstances, I don't think I'll ever be marriage ready.

Turning 30

Just like in fantasy books or movies, you grow up thinking that something magical or unexpected would happen to you too at a certain age. Like an owl delivering a letter when you turn 11 to tell you that you're a wizard and you were just being protected from danger. Or a till-now-non-existent grandmother appearing at your doorstep on your 14th birthday to inform you of your fate as a princess.

You expect that things will turn upside down and you'd have a whole new world to yourself, some day. I had similar expectations as a kid. But as you grow up, you know that birthdays don't bring you magic or  surprises, people around you do. Every year you only get additional responsibilities, worldly wisdom and experiential learning. I'd still be very excited for my birthday that a new age will bring new challenges with it and with my birthday closing in, I'd lose all the excitement. For by then I know that it'd only be me jumping around in excitement and no one else is as excited, when my birth wasn't celebrated, there's no reason to celebrate the annual reminder.

For my 30th, I was thrilled to have achieved a milestone and the only thing I asked for was to be with friends and celebrate the special number.

Though it looks like something new and unexpected did happen this time. 2 hours into the day, I lost a very good friend. He's annoying, has always been but was still dear to me. This time when I told him, God knows what got him, he ended the celebration without clearly telling me what happened and we both went home. By the time I got home, I had understood and the realization irked me.

When I had first watched the movie 'Turning 30', I had also fantasized about turning 30 and how interesting would life be. Little did I know that I'd suck at 30. I don't have a boyfriend I'd expect to propose me for marriage, no ex who would still support me and no talent to write AND publish a book. My career sucks, I'm still at a budding stage where all my friends and batch mates are doing well in their jobs, moving ahead professionally, getting married or at least dating. But then I remind myself, I've always been late but that doesn't make me a failure. I maybe starting things today but who knows I might achieve something greater than all of them. They are all in the same race, I have my own where I don't have to compete with anyone but beat myself at every step. I don't have anyone at present and I have an ex, I don't like to call ex. He's more of my past, not someone I used to be with. It was a life chapter and the pages just turned. I also happened to leave my mark on his insta account accidentally that I can't reverse. My friends say that I stalk him, but I don't. I'm just curious of what he's up to. Or maybe I am stalking him and I'm not open to admit. No, I don't miss him or want him back. I definitely miss the memories and all the good times we had. No, it's nothing about being single or being grumpy because everyone else is engaged. It's just one of the things that's a hype around me at this age.

One thing that is probably happening right is I get to travel and experience life. And that also is an itch for a couple of close family members. Now I can't explain to them how is it different for me and I don't even intend to, to be honest. Though it definitely hurts a little to have your own peeps hindering your happiness but that's not newborn unique to me, people have usually had close family creating all the nuisance in their lives. I still have no clue with respect to what direction am I headed to, personally, professionally or spiritually. Am I really wasting my 30th? Or the best is yet to come?! The best way out is to take a day at a time, the best advice a friend gave once.

I'm not invisible

Yes, I'm a girl and I'm not invisible,
I have mass and occupy space
I'm not air that you'll pass through me

I'm not Neo from Matrix,
I can't always dodge you with super-natural flexibility

Yes, I'm walking on the road,
But I was behind a man you gave enough space to walk through

Dressing up traditionally doesn't make me fragile or vulnerable

Do you really think that my spatial sense doesn't work
That I won't know where your bent elbow is directed

No, I didn't push you
I just put my hand in front of me

If it wasn't my hand on you, it would have been yours on me

Not looking at you, doesn't make me blind,
How can you try to avoid the person behind me and walk right into me until I stare you away

Looking down at the road doesn't mean, I can't see you coming
I can also see when you change your direction, stiffen your shoulder or position your elbow

Being a woman doesn't make me dumb
I know what's going on in your mind just by looking at you

I won't shy away from shouting, having an argument in the middle of the road

The worst you can do is shout louder and abuse
Tell everyone that I've lost it but you can't touch me

Go ahead and try to scare me but I'm not losing my ground against you

Random thought

My relationship with my cab mate is like that sex partner with no strings attached. We can have a good talk and even a stimulating one at times in the comfort of the office transport but looking at each other in the eye with broader audience is uneasy.

We share a hearty laugh at times and connect over things but come the next day, we bumping into each other at work gets uncomfortable and all we can come up with is a mild smile or avoiding each other awkwardly.

Well, talking of sex partner with no strings attached, I'm pretty comfortable with mine!

Who's brave?

Who's brave?

The one who expresses,
Or the one who hides?
The one who speaks up,
Or the one who stays quiet?
The one who bares it all,
Or the one who can hide?

The one who can flaunt the bruises,

Or the one who can disguise?

The one who gives up,

Or the one who holds on all the while?

The one who feels,

Or the one whose emotions dried?

The one who recognizes and acknowledges those emotions,

Or the one who denies?

The one who loves,

Or the one who can just despise?

The one who can cry,

Or the one who fakes the smile?

The one who can speak the truth,

Or the one who clearly lies?

काश...

काश हम भी अपना दिल हल्का कर पाते
काश तुमसे अपने दिल की बात कह पाते
काश ना रहते चुप, ना रहते ऐसे घुटके
तुमसे लड़ पाते, रो पाते, शिकायत कर पाते
ना रहते यूँ सुन्न
कि अब अपनी धड़कन भी सुनाई नही देती
पर तुम्हारे ख्याल से आज भी सांस रुक जाती है
काश तुम्हे भुलाना इतना आसान होता
जितनी आसानी से तुमने भुला दिया
ये सच है कि तुमने साथ दिया
पर कैसे भूल जाये जो तुम ठुकरा के चल दिये
हमने तो कभी मुँह नहीं मोड़ा
फिर कैसे पत्थर दिल बोल दिया
बस चाहा कि तुम्हे हो गलती का एहसास
तुमने तो हमें ही सज़ा सुना दी
आखिर तक किया इंतज़ार तुम्हारा 

हम तो आज भी उसी उजड़े चमन में खड़े हैं
इंतज़ार नहीं किसी का भी अब
आँखों ने बंद किया रस्ता देखना अब
हैं आज भी कई सवाल पर तुमसे जवाब की उम्मीद नहीं
जो कहानी चुपचाप शुरू हुई , वैसी ही शांति से खत्म भी हो गई
उसके बीच में जो मधुर संगीत हमने बनाया, वो किसी ने नहीं सुना
हमें प्यार करना तुम्हारी गलती थी , तुम्हें ना भुला पाना हमारी
अलग होना हम दोनों की, लो अब हिसाब बराबर
हर बार तुमने कहीं  ना जाने का वादा किया
पर मुझे था यकीन तुम्हारे जाने का
कभी कमज़ोर नहीं पड़ी , और ना आज पड़ूँगी
अपना आज कैसे अपना पाऊँगी
अगर कल से ही जूझती रहूंगी
सोचा अब तेरे बारे में लिखना बंद करुँ
सोचा अब अलविदा कहुँ।

Supplement

Supplements.

You never need it but you create a need anyway.

Then you become an addict, you need it all the time that the supplement starts to feel it's a part of your life.

Then one fine day, someone walks in to remind you that your life doesn't depend on it and you can do much better with the real stuff. That brings an end to your relationship with the supplements, you replace it with other ingredients that fulfill your needs, whereas supplements don't have an alternative, they lie discarded somewhere in a bin.

Being humans, our habits reflect in everything that we do: we use supplements to feel better, we have people to feel better; we get addicted to supplements, we get addicted to people; we replace supplements, we replace people, we discard supplements.

29 and single

I'm 29 and still single. Because of him. By single I don't mean unmarried because marriage anyway has no importance in my life; it's just an eligibility criteria to live with someone.

I'm not missing on anything in my life, I'm living it pretty well. But there's an absence of a friend that I had in him. He defined something that no one else can fit in. He left a vacuum that leaves me breathless.

Since his betrayal, I haven't been able to trust anyone with myself. I have no one to share all the good things with. No one who'd be genuinely happy for my success, who'd give me a true smile on seeing me. No one who'd  make me feel valued. He may laugh at me but he'll also cry with me. Today, it's not just the well of my eyes but hormones in my deep belly that have dried up. Emotional and physical sensations and needs have gone numb.

No empathy, all bare piercing fingers pointing at me. Declaring himself clean and me the ugliest of all, to live with guilts I didn't earn. If someone you felt so deep with can walk out on you, then who else can you trust to stay.

Scare 'em

You wanna scare them?

You gotta know their weakness...

Cut your hair short,

Color it bold,

Let it down.

Get a tattoo that's not a butterfly or his name,

Something that defines you and your faith.

Wear high heels,
Wear red lipstick,
Wear your eyebrows high.

Stand tall,
Keep your shoulders square,
Look them in the eye.

Have an opinion,
Speak your mind,
Pursue your heart.

Embrace your awesomeness,

Don't be modest,

Don't settle for less,

Ask for what you deserve,

Be fearless.

To add grace and glory to all of it, always wear a smile. It breaks 'em.