Every shade of dark possible

I've done things I don't approve of; I'm not proud of. Or is it the code of conduct set by the society for a girl that I've broken, things they don't deem right! I work in night shifts, 28 (turning 29 in November) and single. I don't have anyone in my life and I don't wish to give that special space to anyone, not until someone tries really hard to break through. Sadly, mine is not a fairytale life so how to expect a prince on a white horse. I don't live in a fantasy world but I was in love too once. Or maybe still am. I'm still in love with the guy I met 10 years ago, who caught my attention out of 60 students in the class, sitting at the back, having no qualms about the world outside his. But maybe I'm not loyal. I let myself get closer to someone else even though it was a momentary attraction; I came clear on it with him; I had no reasons to hide. I also refused to marry him and he walked out of my life just like he came. Does love have to end in marriage!?

I disappointed him and everyone else around me. I've slept with guys I wasn't in love with. I left with a guy I met at the bar even though nothing happened with him but that step of leaving with him left me with self-loathe. Self-loathe because it felt wrong towards the friend I was currently sleeping with that I decided not to tell him about it thinking I might hurt him by that. Since I did nothing, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone anything anyway; but how do I justify this self destructive feeling. But how am I wrong, it's not like we are in a relationship or have any expectations at that level with each other. But maybe I was plain scared of being judged and labelled. But it eventually takes away my trust from myself. And this same guy said that I 'went dark with that point' but there's no way I can tell him about what I did while with him and when in a relationship once. Somehow I could tell my guy about it but for some unknown reason I'm too scared to tell him about it. My sunsign, known to be dark, is also a deep thinker so they say we just think deep and are not really dark. So am I really dark? Who decides what or who is dark? If they don't approve it, it becomes dark, everything else is good! And you become an angel as long as you follow their rulebook.

I want to travel to far off places, alone. However, this country isn't safe for solo women travelers so the most I've been able to do yet is travel with single woman companion. Given my rebel attitude, I might even do it someday, travel alone while that is only going to leave women around me green with envy as no one else could do it yet. I'm definitely not the first or the only one to have done any of the different or wrong things. But I chose to walk out of the closet, do things I wasn’t supposed to be doing and take the accountability.

It is very difficult to admit your wrongs without holding someone else accountable for causing it. I've always taken the responsibility for everything I did, right or wrong. My life would have been a different world if I had the least of these skills they call sales and marketing of life and its events. I have always been called 'Mahila Morcha', 'Jhansi ki Rani', and other names since childhood until feminism came into trend and it got a fancy term. Yes, it sounds mean when you say that you turned down the proposal of marriage, being a 24 year old and only because you are a girl. But no one cares about the reason that might have lead you to that decision. Maybe that's why I never shared the reasons of breaking up with this guy after about 5 years of togetherness for next two years. Only if I was to use my timed marketing skills and give myself a fancy term, I'd have used the 'time' I had marks on the face, empty patches on the scalp and a broken nose pin. Instead of silently visiting a doctor for two years I'd have gained myself heaps of sympathy while each of my friend accused me of breaking up with a guy as sweet and perfect. Irrespective, the respect was stronger than the love since ever; respect for myself and for the family that raised me. These turn of events over a couple of years turned me cynical about companionship. True love starts with self love. You can't love someone else or have someone else love you if you ill-treat and disrespect yourself or let someone else do it to you. I had lost myself while I was with someone. It wasn't until I was alone that I realized the self worth and discovered the importance of self love.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited

but i couldn't stay away i couldn't fight it

I'd hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded

that for me it isn't over yet

Nevermind I'll find someone like you

I wish nothing but the best for you too

don't forget me, I beg

I remember you say

sometime it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

Nothing compares, no worries no cares

regrets and mistakes, they're memories made

-Adele (Someone like you)

Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.

No one ever cared about what I want or what I need; what have I done not to deserve a little care and love!

Judgement

Friend: You're judgemental. 

Me: What do you mean? 

Friend: You judge people, have a fixed mindset about them.

Me: No, I don't judge people. I just have an opinion of how I feel they are, how I perceived them based on what I saw or experienced around them. And that can always be changed.

Him: He's crazy to call you that. Isn't he being judgemental himself by calling you judgemental! Don't overthink, he isn't worth it. 

Me: Maybe you're right. I shouldn't think about it. He's being judgemental by calling me judgemental and then not accepting that he's judging me. 

Him: You're mean, you don't care about me. My friends were right when they said you aren't right for me, I deserve better. You are better off with people who don't matter, you'll end up alone someday, you won't have anyone around you. 

Me (to self): What did I do to deserve these curses. Asked him to gather himself in crisis; did not mother him; expected him to act like an adult. And how were his friends allowed to judge me, what did they know about me, when I wasn't even myself around them. Their vibes never made me comfortable in their presence. How were they let off with an opinion about me, without even knowing me. I only wonder how powerful their influence was on him that they could affect his thoughts about me; how immature and easily manipulated he was; that after spending years with me, he could not figure what was right and what was an illusion. 

Always kept him informed about my darkness, my fears, my flaws but eventually it was them who tell him about me better. Amazes me how powerful, influential and intellectual those friends were.