Who am I?

Who am I?

Was it when I was with you? Is it what I am today? Why didn't I do things I do today when I was with you? Did you not let me be me? Was I afraid that you'll leave me? Was I never comfortable with you, never me? Could I not open up? What do I really like and dislike? Why don't I like things I used to love once? Have I finally realized my real self? Will I be able to retain this just-realized-identity once I'm married to someone? Will I have to find myself all over again? Is life all about finding yourself infinite times? Don't we have one identity? Why do we keep changing? Is it adaptation, confusion or lost identity?

If I'm real today, then what we had wasn't real! Why can't I still digest the fact that it wasn't meant to be! If you couldn't bring out the real me, how could you be The One!? If it's not you, why I wasted my real feelings! How did I let it happen? Is that a part of finding yourself? Is this a process, a vicious circle? Keep losing yourself to find yourself all over again!

Why weren't things this hard when we were kids? Why are they so complex today? Will they be same forever? Or is it just a part of growing up? When do we grow up if we haven't grown yet after crossing about a third of our lives?

Why does it remind me of the song by Christina Aguilera (ft. A Great Big World)

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you
And I, will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
I'm saying goodbye
Say something I'm giving up on you

My identity

My identity is what I've had for 26-27 years of my life. What was given to me by my father. And after all these years of cherishing what was given to me with my birth, I'll be made to give it up for a new identity which will belong to my husband. If I'm lucky enough he'll cherish having me in his life and if not, he'll be just another ungrateful chap I'll have. And this time I'll be living the nightmare instead of feeling sorry for another woman.

I see nothing wrong with wishing to achieve something in life while I'm still my dad's daughter and not somebody's wife. I want people to recognize me as a daughter who made her father proud and not a wife who owes her success to her husband. Why? I owe it to my father because he made me what I am today and not my husband. Why should I owe it to my husband? Because he may give me a chance to be something and not bind me. I'll definitely be thankful to him but I'd still like my father to get the credit for all his hard work he put in, for all the sleepless nights my mother had and not my husband.

While I'm with my parents, society would be concerned with what I'm doing with my life if not getting married. Once married, the society won't bother what I did but will be concerned with how my new family is treating me.

Being a girl equals no need for a career. If I'm over 25, working and unmarried, it very easily gives a delusion to the society that I work to support my parents financially and I'm looked up to as poor girl sacrificing her life for the sake of aiding her parents. Sigh!

What am I going to get out of this whole debate!? Satisfaction, that I got an opportunity when I had time. Or regret that I couldn't make things work when I had time.