I've always been confused with a lot of things. I can't understand the way things work in the world. I'm not a very quick thinker, but I believe in deep thinking. I can't assimilate things right away, I need time with them to understand. I may not be attentive to you, I may be lost in my own thoughts, evaluating and assessing things in my own light.
I don't know if I miss the person or the memories. Just because I've been thinking about someone or curious about the current events in their life, doesn't mean I miss the person. I may just think of all the good or the bad times, how things were left incomplete and unanswered midway. I may be plain curious in my head instead of poking my nose in someone's business. At times I'm very calculative, and at other times, I'm just impulsive. At times quick thinker, at others, assimilating and assessing.
I don't know if I like you, or I love you. I can't tell the difference between love and addiction. I may just like being with you, talking to you. I may just do it coz of my inability to confide everything in one person amid my trust issues. I'm comfortable and intimate with you, that's why I share things about me. Or maybe I'm telling you only coz I want to talk about it and you happen to be there and I know you won't lecture me coz we aren't that close. See, I just used intimate and not close enough in two consecutive sentences. I keep you close but still distant enough. In my confusion, I leave you confused. I want you to be around but then I want you to leave me alone. I want you to listen to me, but I have nothing to say to you. I want to sit with you but not talk. I want to listen to you but I don't want you to rant about yourself. I like your company but I don't want to suffocate myself with your smell.
I've been asked a couple of times if I'm a religious person but I don't know how to answer that. Yes, I believe in God but I don't believe in orthodox beliefs. Religion is very personal, between me and Him. I go to temples and I don't care if I'm bleeding. I praise the Lord but I don't know any chants by heart. I don't know how to pray but I prefer to converse. I can't follow the norms set in the name of purity and cleanliness. I can't ask for things but I believe the Lord knows coz I talk to Him all the time. When I travel, I like to visit temples, I don't know if it's because I'm religious or because I'm ticking things off my bucket list or coz it's easier to get permission for religious places. I don't know how does one qualify to be called a spiritual person. I don't meditate, but I have my days when I'm blank, no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions and I'm at peace, without sitting in a position and chanting or concentrating. Does that count?
Yes, I enjoy art in every form but I don't have to overanalyze everything that I see. I don't have to like or criticize every piece of art I come across. I can simply look at it, appreciate the hard work artist put into it and walk on.
I don't understand why do we have to put things in one or the other basket that have been defined, why can't we create our own bucket to hold things! Why can't we let someone be! Why can't I say I don't know without being judged. Why should I be labeled as confused or slow for taking time to process what you asked! Why am I expected to understand everything right away! Why can't you explain it uncomplicated!
Why don't you just let me be!?
