Moving on

Moving on literally means moving on from one to another. In relationships, do you really move on? And if you do, was it really the one with love involved?  Was there any love involved at all? Or does love just die? How does it die for one and not for another? Why is it the one who always denied its existence that suffers the most when it's gone? Never believed but never played with it. Or is it an addiction so addictive that you can't get over it even when it has gone absconding for years? Yes, that's what I thought. You don't fall in love, you get addicted to people, to their presence around you, to the happy feeling. And not everyone has trouble dealing with addictions. Some never get addicted, some quit easily with minor withdrawal symptoms and some die without it.

Goddess of bad choices or just another human

Not sure if everyone makes as many mistakes or I'm a special case. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's only going to feel like a mistake momentarily or it's going to give my life a bad turn forever.

Some choices were impulsive and some were selfish but isn't every one a little selfish. Even if one thinks through a decision well, can they not make a bad choice! What ensures (or insures) the decisions that we make, that every choice we make will lead us to the right place.

Or maybe I'm too scared to choose the better option coz I don't find myself worthy enough. Maybe I'm scared of rejection, of being told that how could I even think I could ask for it. What if I'm not enough, what if it's too good for me!

Failure

When do you fail? When you don't succeed at something or when you don't attempt at all?

What hurts the most? Trying and not succeeding or not trying at all?

Failure may be the opposite of success but it doesn't mean if you don't succeed, you fail. You fail when you don't try, when you don't sweat at all. Just like our former President Mr. Kalam said, "Dream is not the thing you see in sleep but is that thing that doesn't let you sleep." If you didn't make efforts to reach your goal, if you didn't take that first step, you're a failure. Then maybe your dream wasn't deep enough, maybe you didn't feel it because it didn't wake you up. It didn't stir your comfort.

And I failed today. I don't even deserve to cry because I couldn't step out of my comfort, couldn't change a thing to achieve what I thought I wanted. But is wanting enough? No, it isn't. I can't blame my circumstances or put it on my destiny that it wasn't meant for me. I believe in destiny but I don't rely on it. I've always gone against the wind to choose my path, make my choices. Had I tried hard, given it my sweat and then if it hadn't worked out, then I had a face to say anything about it. Right now, I can only look down at the ground and go back home, go back to the comfort of the routine. Yes, I had nothing to lose even if it hadn't worked out but guess what, I won't know that ever.

You don't deserve to cry, whine or complain unless you've shed a little blood for your goal. If it didn't make you uncomfortable, you didn't do enough. I never believed in this concept but now I swear by it. I can say it because I saw other faces also, tears in eyes, maybe because they thought they at least deserved a chance to try for all the hard work they had been doing for months or maybe years; but they were denied that opportunity, and I'm sure they lacked somewhere too and that's why they were there standing next to me.

I might have failed this time, at this one but I'll make all the efforts to make the rest of it work. I've had my lesson today, I won't take my dreams for granted anymore, I thought I'm all action but today was a wake up call. I have walked out of my discomfort in the past to make things work and they did. I hope I had for this one too.

What do I want?

What is it that I want, really? I want to be loved but I don't want to love. I care for but I don't expect the same in return. Maybe because I'm afraid of heartaches. But I've always been like that, even as a young girl who had been with someone for over four years.

I want to spend my life with someone and yet be on my own terms and have my own space. I want to get involved but do not belong to anyone. There was a time when people belonged to each other but they were never involved because they were tied to each other without their will. Saying that it was against their will would be incorrect because they barely had any.

Am I becoming one of those I've always hated, those who'd do anything in the name of being independent, modern and free. Yes, I'm independent, modern and rational. I haven't bound myself with conventions yet I'm traditional. I don't believe in irrational superstitions yet I'm religious. I welcome suggestions and healthy discussions but I don't want to be told what to do.

Is it unacceptable for someone to enjoy their own company, antisocial to want to stay alone, cold to want to sleep alone?

To the one I'm going to marry

Arranged marriage or love marriage doesn't really make a difference as long as there's a synchronicity in thoughts.

And I don't think I can find someone with the same thought process as mine. It won't work out with mel if you're a boring person, stuck and slogging in a boring job, expecting to get married to a girl who'll wait with perfectly round chapatis at dinner, will smile all the time and abide by all your wishes, bear you children and then raise them like she was the only one responsible for their birth and never ask you for anything.

I love food. I'm not someone who'll go on any crazy diet to lose weight to soothe anyone's eyes. I can't make chapatis, let alone perfect round. I also have a career so I'd expect both of us to cook, not in turns but regularly. I'm not going to quit my job, I've also got a promotion recently which I don't think you'd care about. I've tried my hand at chapatis for a very long time but could never master it so I expect my partner to fill the gap there. I quit my job as a software engineer to work as a voice coach only because I enjoy it and I'm never going to quit to fit the family demand. I don't like kids so I never want any. I don't really ask, when I want to go on a vacation. Because I know you won't ask me either. If you can accompany me, great or I don't mind going alone. I can't stay home for long on weekends, I may stay home and laze around or I may go out and loosen out. I don't need you for superficial things like finances, I can take care of it myself. I want you for deeper needs.

I don't blame you, that's not entirely your fault. That's how you've been raised. It was another woman to tell you it's ok to expect irrational things from another woman who'd be your wife, it's ok to suppress her. I hope you are mature enough, you've seen enough of this world to know better.

Nothing against you

We have never met, yet I developed a dislike for you. We don't even know each other, yet I stalk (not follow) YOU on Insta, instead of him. That's not enough to know you as a person, yet I can't stop judging. We both have our own flaws, yet I see myself over you. I know you lack everything that makes me a mean person, yet it feels better to call you a bitch. We belong to two different worlds, yet you seem to possess what could have been mine. No, you didn't steal him, yet I know you were a part of our story I never knew. I don't think he told you about me, yet I want you to know you are nothing like me. You might be a gentle breeze under the shining sun, yet I was the fire that lit his soul. You might give him what I couldn't, yet I'll always be the first to have felt his warmth. I'm not sure if I exist for you, yet you have invaded my peace. You are a stranger, yet your smile pierces through my heart. I don't love him anymore, yet it's shattering to see him with you. I don't want him back, yet I can't let anyone else in my world. It's not your fault, yet I spend my thoughts cursing you. I hold no grudges against him, yet I can't seem to accept that he's happy with you. They tell me that despite my short-temper I'm like an angel, yet you seem to wear the halo. They tell me I'm irreplaceable, yet I was replaced by you.

¡¿Confused?!

I've always been confused with a lot of things. I can't understand the way things work in the world. I'm not a very quick thinker, but I believe in deep thinking. I can't assimilate things right away, I need time with them to understand. I may not be attentive to you, I may be lost in my own thoughts, evaluating and assessing things in my own light.

I don't know if I miss the person or the memories. Just because I've been thinking about someone or curious about the current events in their life, doesn't mean I miss the person. I may just think of all the good or the bad times, how things were left incomplete and unanswered midway. I may be plain curious in my head instead of poking my nose in someone's business. At times I'm very calculative, and at other times, I'm just impulsive. At times quick thinker, at others, assimilating and assessing.

I don't know if I like you, or I love you. I can't tell the difference between love and addiction. I may just like being with you, talking to you. I may just do it coz of my inability to confide everything in one person amid my trust issues. I'm comfortable and intimate with you, that's why I share things about me. Or maybe I'm telling you only coz I want to talk about it and you happen to be there and I know you won't lecture me coz we aren't that close. See, I just used intimate and not close enough in two consecutive sentences. I keep you close but still distant enough. In my confusion, I leave you confused. I want you to be around but then I want you to leave me alone. I want you to listen to me, but I have nothing to say to you. I want to sit with you but not talk. I want to listen to you but I don't want you to rant about yourself. I like your company but I don't want to suffocate myself with your smell.

I've been asked a couple of times if I'm a religious person but I don't know how to answer that. Yes, I believe in God but I don't believe in orthodox beliefs. Religion is very personal, between me and Him. I go to temples and I don't care if I'm bleeding. I praise the Lord but I don't know any chants by heart. I don't know how to pray but I prefer to converse. I can't follow the norms set in the name of purity and cleanliness. I can't ask for things but I believe the Lord knows coz I talk to Him all the time. When I travel, I like to visit temples, I don't know if it's because I'm religious or because I'm ticking things off my bucket list or coz it's easier to get permission for religious places. I don't know how does one qualify to be called a spiritual person. I don't meditate, but I have my days when I'm blank, no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions and I'm at peace, without sitting in a position and chanting or concentrating. Does that count?

Yes, I enjoy art in every form but I don't have to overanalyze everything that I see. I don't have to like or criticize every piece of art I come across. I can simply look at it, appreciate the hard work artist put into it and walk on.

I don't understand why do we have to put things in one or the other basket that have been defined, why can't we create our own bucket to hold things! Why can't we let someone be! Why can't I say I don't know without being judged. Why should I be labeled as confused or slow for taking time to process what you asked! Why am I expected to understand everything right away! Why can't you explain it uncomplicated!

Why don't you just let me be!?