Self destruction mode. Check.

I'm ugly. Ugly by every definition of it. Many would attest to it.

And in this world driven by a glorified definition of external beauty, I'm desired only behind closed doors. For reasons known only to two of us, where the other one keeps changing. Every one only wants a piece of me but not me. Maybe because they don't see me. But am I really putting myself out there? Is it really them having me or me having them and walking on? I devour them and I'm done with them. Some times it feels like I hurt them for being next to me, for I want to punish someone for everything. Everything that's wrong with the world.l I've turned into something I never imagined I would be.

I feel deteriorated, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I still hold myself strong and stand tall. I cry myself to sleep but the world knows they fail trying to break me.

Apparently, I've only surrounded myself with the kind that only brings the worst in me. Or maybe they just let me be and I feel myself with them around. The ones who push me to the edge and then a chain reaction begins. I hurt them, then I hurt myself for hurting them.

Dead, broken or lost?

Once again I stood up. Once again I asked for something. Once again you turned around and stepped away. Once again you left me in the middle of nowhere. Once again I'm lost, trying to find my way home. But this time, I've lost home. I made home in the eye of the storm. Can't find it coz it's been swept away. Does it mean I'm homeless forever?

I knew you'll not look back coz you never did. The only difference is, then I got to tell you that I was lost when I got home. But not this time. I won't tell you and you don't care. Well, you didn't even back then.

But if I can't get home, how can I get on a new journey. Not until I finish this one. And I don't see any end to it. A homeless person can't be home to someone else.

I don't want to bleed on someone who didn't cut me. That's why I'm protecting the wound that refuses to heal.

No, you aren't my home. You can't be. Coz you came behind my back and ruined what I had built for myself and shrugged off the responsibility. Hypersensitive me could sense it but naive me turned a blind eye.

I gave my all but all you saw was emptiness. Every diamond looked like a glass. I scraped everything to the bottom that I have nothing left for myself anymore.

Now all I want is to see you homeless, while sitting in a home.

The only fear

Until today I thought that my life's only fear was to end up with the wrong person. But there's another side to it: to never find the right one. The one who offers to hold my hand. There's a strange knot in my throat to think that I'll never have someone look at me the way Gilbert Blythe looks at Anne.

I've been giving away pieces of myself hoping to numb this fear. That there's nothing right and everything's wrong so it doesn't really matter what I end up with or not. Or have I been so busy mourning the loss of one, erecting all sorts of barriers around me, that's actually doing the opposite? Keeping the right out and letting the wrong in. Or is it just me attracting all the ugly in the world?

I've mastered the art of pushing people away. Especially the nice ones. I sense the kind of person they are, instantly figure out their off points and then serve it on a platter. I've become an automatic repulsion machine. I don't even realise that I'm doing it.

There was a time when I wanted to get married. Maybe I still do but the idea of an unhappy relationship haunts me. Nothing can assure that the nice guy today will not turn horrendous tomorrow. So why not stay safe and get rid of them before they have the opportunity to hurt you. At other times when I meet a real nice person, the realisation hits that maybe I'm undeserving of it and I can't put everything nice to test.

Yes, it hurts when I watch or read love stories and the fact that I may never have one of my own. I may never find my true love. Maybe not everyone finds their soulmate.

Apt adjectives

You take your stand, they call you stubborn

You reason with them, they call you difficult

You tell the truth, they call you daunting

You call out what's rightfully yours, they call you thankless

You hold your ground, they call you shameless

You ask for things you deserve, they call you a rebel without cause

You decline what doesn't sit well with you, they call you uncultured

You take your own decisions, they call you immoral

You mention freedom, they call you uncouth

You get comfortable, they call you easy

For every action you take and choice you make, they have an adjective for you

I am like Him

I'm rational. I'm impulsive.

I'm innocent. I'm brainy.

I'm carefree. I'm aware.

I'm calm. I'm fiery.

I'm plain. I'm vibrant.

I'm giving. I expect.

I'm detached. I'm affected.

I'm righteous. I make mistakes.

I'm unforgiving. I give second chances.

I'm a shadow in the background. I'll be the guiding light.

I'm bound. I'm limitless.

I'm a devotee. I'm Him.

If you thought we're different, it's time for you to rethink.

Har har Mahadev! (Everyone is Mahadev!)

Moving on

Moving on literally means moving on from one to another. In relationships, do you really move on? And if you do, was it really the one with love involved?  Was there any love involved at all? Or does love just die? How does it die for one and not for another? Why is it the one who always denied its existence that suffers the most when it's gone? Never believed but never played with it. Or is it an addiction so addictive that you can't get over it even when it has gone absconding for years? Yes, that's what I thought. You don't fall in love, you get addicted to people, to their presence around you, to the happy feeling. And not everyone has trouble dealing with addictions. Some never get addicted, some quit easily with minor withdrawal symptoms and some die without it.

Goddess of bad choices or just another human

Not sure if everyone makes as many mistakes or I'm a special case. Sometimes I'm not even sure if it's only going to feel like a mistake momentarily or it's going to give my life a bad turn forever.

Some choices were impulsive and some were selfish but isn't every one a little selfish. Even if one thinks through a decision well, can they not make a bad choice! What ensures (or insures) the decisions that we make, that every choice we make will lead us to the right place.

Or maybe I'm too scared to choose the better option coz I don't find myself worthy enough. Maybe I'm scared of rejection, of being told that how could I even think I could ask for it. What if I'm not enough, what if it's too good for me!

Failure

When do you fail? When you don't succeed at something or when you don't attempt at all?

What hurts the most? Trying and not succeeding or not trying at all?

Failure may be the opposite of success but it doesn't mean if you don't succeed, you fail. You fail when you don't try, when you don't sweat at all. Just like our former President Mr. Kalam said, "Dream is not the thing you see in sleep but is that thing that doesn't let you sleep." If you didn't make efforts to reach your goal, if you didn't take that first step, you're a failure. Then maybe your dream wasn't deep enough, maybe you didn't feel it because it didn't wake you up. It didn't stir your comfort.

And I failed today. I don't even deserve to cry because I couldn't step out of my comfort, couldn't change a thing to achieve what I thought I wanted. But is wanting enough? No, it isn't. I can't blame my circumstances or put it on my destiny that it wasn't meant for me. I believe in destiny but I don't rely on it. I've always gone against the wind to choose my path, make my choices. Had I tried hard, given it my sweat and then if it hadn't worked out, then I had a face to say anything about it. Right now, I can only look down at the ground and go back home, go back to the comfort of the routine. Yes, I had nothing to lose even if it hadn't worked out but guess what, I won't know that ever.

You don't deserve to cry, whine or complain unless you've shed a little blood for your goal. If it didn't make you uncomfortable, you didn't do enough. I never believed in this concept but now I swear by it. I can say it because I saw other faces also, tears in eyes, maybe because they thought they at least deserved a chance to try for all the hard work they had been doing for months or maybe years; but they were denied that opportunity, and I'm sure they lacked somewhere too and that's why they were there standing next to me.

I might have failed this time, at this one but I'll make all the efforts to make the rest of it work. I've had my lesson today, I won't take my dreams for granted anymore, I thought I'm all action but today was a wake up call. I have walked out of my discomfort in the past to make things work and they did. I hope I had for this one too.

What do I want?

What is it that I want, really? I want to be loved but I don't want to love. I care for but I don't expect the same in return. Maybe because I'm afraid of heartaches. But I've always been like that, even as a young girl who had been with someone for over four years.

I want to spend my life with someone and yet be on my own terms and have my own space. I want to get involved but do not belong to anyone. There was a time when people belonged to each other but they were never involved because they were tied to each other without their will. Saying that it was against their will would be incorrect because they barely had any.

Am I becoming one of those I've always hated, those who'd do anything in the name of being independent, modern and free. Yes, I'm independent, modern and rational. I haven't bound myself with conventions yet I'm traditional. I don't believe in irrational superstitions yet I'm religious. I welcome suggestions and healthy discussions but I don't want to be told what to do.

Is it unacceptable for someone to enjoy their own company, antisocial to want to stay alone, cold to want to sleep alone?

To the one I'm going to marry

Arranged marriage or love marriage doesn't really make a difference as long as there's a synchronicity in thoughts.

And I don't think I can find someone with the same thought process as mine. It won't work out with mel if you're a boring person, stuck and slogging in a boring job, expecting to get married to a girl who'll wait with perfectly round chapatis at dinner, will smile all the time and abide by all your wishes, bear you children and then raise them like she was the only one responsible for their birth and never ask you for anything.

I love food. I'm not someone who'll go on any crazy diet to lose weight to soothe anyone's eyes. I can't make chapatis, let alone perfect round. I also have a career so I'd expect both of us to cook, not in turns but regularly. I'm not going to quit my job, I've also got a promotion recently which I don't think you'd care about. I've tried my hand at chapatis for a very long time but could never master it so I expect my partner to fill the gap there. I quit my job as a software engineer to work as a voice coach only because I enjoy it and I'm never going to quit to fit the family demand. I don't like kids so I never want any. I don't really ask, when I want to go on a vacation. Because I know you won't ask me either. If you can accompany me, great or I don't mind going alone. I can't stay home for long on weekends, I may stay home and laze around or I may go out and loosen out. I don't need you for superficial things like finances, I can take care of it myself. I want you for deeper needs.

I don't blame you, that's not entirely your fault. That's how you've been raised. It was another woman to tell you it's ok to expect irrational things from another woman who'd be your wife, it's ok to suppress her. I hope you are mature enough, you've seen enough of this world to know better.