Self destruction mode. Check.

I'm ugly. Ugly by every definition of it. Many would attest to it.

And in this world driven by a glorified definition of external beauty, I'm desired only behind closed doors. For reasons known only to two of us, where the other one keeps changing. Every one only wants a piece of me but not me. Maybe because they don't see me. But am I really putting myself out there? Is it really them having me or me having them and walking on? I devour them and I'm done with them. Some times it feels like I hurt them for being next to me, for I want to punish someone for everything. Everything that's wrong with the world.l I've turned into something I never imagined I would be.

I feel deteriorated, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I still hold myself strong and stand tall. I cry myself to sleep but the world knows they fail trying to break me.

Apparently, I've only surrounded myself with the kind that only brings the worst in me. Or maybe they just let me be and I feel myself with them around. The ones who push me to the edge and then a chain reaction begins. I hurt them, then I hurt myself for hurting them.

Dead, broken or lost?

Once again I stood up. Once again I asked for something. Once again you turned around and stepped away. Once again you left me in the middle of nowhere. Once again I'm lost, trying to find my way home. But this time, I've lost home. I made home in the eye of the storm. Can't find it coz it's been swept away. Does it mean I'm homeless forever?

I knew you'll not look back coz you never did. The only difference is, then I got to tell you that I was lost when I got home. But not this time. I won't tell you and you don't care. Well, you didn't even back then.

But if I can't get home, how can I get on a new journey. Not until I finish this one. And I don't see any end to it. A homeless person can't be home to someone else.

I don't want to bleed on someone who didn't cut me. That's why I'm protecting the wound that refuses to heal.

No, you aren't my home. You can't be. Coz you came behind my back and ruined what I had built for myself and shrugged off the responsibility. Hypersensitive me could sense it but naive me turned a blind eye.

I gave my all but all you saw was emptiness. Every diamond looked like a glass. I scraped everything to the bottom that I have nothing left for myself anymore.

Now all I want is to see you homeless, while sitting in a home.

The only fear

Until today I thought that my life's only fear was to end up with the wrong person. But there's another side to it: to never find the right one. The one who offers to hold my hand. There's a strange knot in my throat to think that I'll never have someone look at me the way Gilbert Blythe looks at Anne.

I've been giving away pieces of myself hoping to numb this fear. That there's nothing right and everything's wrong so it doesn't really matter what I end up with or not. Or have I been so busy mourning the loss of one, erecting all sorts of barriers around me, that's actually doing the opposite? Keeping the right out and letting the wrong in. Or is it just me attracting all the ugly in the world?

I've mastered the art of pushing people away. Especially the nice ones. I sense the kind of person they are, instantly figure out their off points and then serve it on a platter. I've become an automatic repulsion machine. I don't even realise that I'm doing it.

There was a time when I wanted to get married. Maybe I still do but the idea of an unhappy relationship haunts me. Nothing can assure that the nice guy today will not turn horrendous tomorrow. So why not stay safe and get rid of them before they have the opportunity to hurt you. At other times when I meet a real nice person, the realisation hits that maybe I'm undeserving of it and I can't put everything nice to test.

Yes, it hurts when I watch or read love stories and the fact that I may never have one of my own. I may never find my true love. Maybe not everyone finds their soulmate.

Apt adjectives

You take your stand, they call you stubborn

You reason with them, they call you difficult

You tell the truth, they call you daunting

You call out what's rightfully yours, they call you thankless

You hold your ground, they call you shameless

You ask for things you deserve, they call you a rebel without cause

You decline what doesn't sit well with you, they call you uncultured

You take your own decisions, they call you immoral

You mention freedom, they call you uncouth

You get comfortable, they call you easy

For every action you take and choice you make, they have an adjective for you

I am like Him

I'm rational. I'm impulsive.

I'm innocent. I'm brainy.

I'm carefree. I'm aware.

I'm calm. I'm fiery.

I'm plain. I'm vibrant.

I'm giving. I expect.

I'm detached. I'm affected.

I'm righteous. I make mistakes.

I'm unforgiving. I give second chances.

I'm a shadow in the background. I'll be the guiding light.

I'm bound. I'm limitless.

I'm a devotee. I'm Him.

If you thought we're different, it's time for you to rethink.

Har har Mahadev! (Everyone is Mahadev!)