I remember him saying that even if I'm gone, I'll always be around you like a ghost, walking behind you, in the background.
And that's exactly how I remember him. Everything we ever shared feel like a ghostly dream, a friendly ghost though! Do I miss him? Yes, I do! Just like a ghost. A ghost who was a support, on whom I relied on, trusted with issues and solutions but a ghost never exists for real, it is born out of your imagination, an illusion that simply haunts you.
Reason to come out of it was stronger than reasons to stay in it. I'm a person very easy to turn off like you would switch off a light. I'm easy to fall in love with but hard to stay in love with. Is that because a headstrong woman is a nightmare!? Because her strength scares them off and makes them feel small in front of her!? I was reading an article the other day that said men like it when their girl is afraid because it gives them an opportunity to come to their rescue to show their manhood. Why would you exhibit your manhood when a woman is at her weak, why can't you be stronger than your strong woman!
I can't always tell people what I feel and what I'm going through because the least I expect from my closed ones is to understand the unsaid, however, what happens is that they fail to understand the words that I do say which eventually makes me mad and labels me as a problem personality at home and at work. Well, I'm an introvert person and you can't expect such person to tell you what they think and prefer. They will always go with the flow, not that they approve of things happening but they still won't tell you. They can use it as their strength against you, you won't even realize when you pushed them away.
Though I'm tired of being misinterpreted. I don't want to be strong anymore. In the absence of another stronger aura I've created barriers around me and I'm hoping someone would care enough to take the pain of breaking through. I'll be at his/ her service to the end of my life for rescuing me from the limitations I've set for myself. Someone who will try despite of all the repulsion that I put forth. I've become an insensitive and an indifferent person which is the negative side of being strong. I repel people before they can reject me. I've worn a mask that tells people to back off and creates a barrier between me and the world. It's like a defense mechanism, hurt them before they can hurt you! I'd be more than glad to meet someone who'd have the courage to break that barrier and rescue me from suffocating inside.
I am not rock solid. I am vulnerable, fragile and timid too. I get scared too. I'm not crying, it's just my weak insides weeping. I'm tired of these silent tears. I want to scream too, want to cry out loud, tell the world that I'm also a human and I can feel too. I can't carry this strong demeanor forever. I also want to be supported and be told that everything will be alright; instead of handling things for others, I want my shit to be handled. I am a messed up person like every other normal human being. Maybe that's a part of the evolution, gather your shit yourself. In the everyday run around, no one has time to look at your mess because they have their own issues to handle but what do you do when you reach that stage of breaking down, when all that you want is to quit everything but that's definitely not the most practical or even feasible solution. I think we are stuck in a vicious cycle then!
But won't you really try to handle things for the one you love! May be that's the problem; no one has time for love!
