Strength: Blessing or Curse

I remember him saying that even if I'm gone, I'll always be around you like a ghost, walking behind you, in the background.

And that's exactly how I remember him. Everything we ever shared feel like a ghostly dream, a friendly ghost though! Do I miss him? Yes, I do! Just like a ghost. A ghost who was a support, on whom I relied on, trusted with issues and solutions but a ghost never exists for real, it is born out of your imagination, an illusion that simply haunts you.

Reason to come out of it was stronger than reasons to stay in it. I'm a person very easy to turn off like you would switch off a light. I'm easy to fall in love with but hard to stay in love with. Is that because a headstrong woman is a nightmare!? Because her strength scares them off and makes them feel small in front of her!? I was reading an article the other day that said men like it when their girl is afraid because it gives them an opportunity to come to their rescue to show their manhood. Why would you exhibit your manhood when a woman is at her weak, why can't you be stronger than your strong woman!

I can't always tell people what I feel and what I'm going through because the least I expect from my closed ones is to understand the unsaid, however, what happens is that they fail to understand the words that I do say which eventually makes me mad and labels me as a problem personality at home and at work. Well, I'm an introvert person and you can't expect such person to tell you what they think and prefer. They will always go with the flow, not that they approve of things happening but they still won't tell you. They can use it as their strength against you, you won't even realize when you pushed them away.

Though I'm tired of being misinterpreted. I don't want to be strong anymore. In the absence of another stronger aura I've created barriers around me and I'm hoping someone would care enough to take the pain of breaking through. I'll be at his/ her service to the end of my life for rescuing me from the limitations I've set for myself. Someone who will try despite of all the repulsion that I put forth. I've become an insensitive and an indifferent person which is the negative side of being strong. I repel people before they can reject me. I've worn a mask that tells people to back off and creates a barrier between me and the world. It's like a defense mechanism, hurt them before they can hurt you! I'd be more than glad to meet someone who'd have the courage to break that barrier and rescue me from suffocating inside.

I am not rock solid. I am vulnerable, fragile and timid too. I get scared too. I'm not crying, it's just my weak insides weeping. I'm tired of these silent tears. I want to scream too, want to cry out loud, tell the world that I'm also a human and I can feel too. I can't carry this strong demeanor forever. I also want to be supported and be told that everything will be alright; instead of handling things for others, I want my shit to be handled. I am a messed up person like every other normal human being. Maybe that's a part of the evolution, gather your shit yourself. In the everyday run around, no one has time to look at your mess because they have their own issues to handle but what do you do when you reach that stage of breaking down, when all that you want is to quit everything but that's definitely not the most practical or even feasible solution. I think we are stuck in a vicious cycle then!

But won't you really try to handle things for the one you love! May be that's the problem; no one has time for love!

Who am I?

Who am I?

Was it when I was with you? Is it what I am today? Why didn't I do things I do today when I was with you? Did you not let me be me? Was I afraid that you'll leave me? Was I never comfortable with you, never me? Could I not open up? What do I really like and dislike? Why don't I like things I used to love once? Have I finally realized my real self? Will I be able to retain this just-realized-identity once I'm married to someone? Will I have to find myself all over again? Is life all about finding yourself infinite times? Don't we have one identity? Why do we keep changing? Is it adaptation, confusion or lost identity?

If I'm real today, then what we had wasn't real! Why can't I still digest the fact that it wasn't meant to be! If you couldn't bring out the real me, how could you be The One!? If it's not you, why I wasted my real feelings! How did I let it happen? Is that a part of finding yourself? Is this a process, a vicious circle? Keep losing yourself to find yourself all over again!

Why weren't things this hard when we were kids? Why are they so complex today? Will they be same forever? Or is it just a part of growing up? When do we grow up if we haven't grown yet after crossing about a third of our lives?

Why does it remind me of the song by Christina Aguilera (ft. A Great Big World)

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you
And I, will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
I'm saying goodbye
Say something I'm giving up on you

My identity

My identity is what I've had for 26-27 years of my life. What was given to me by my father. And after all these years of cherishing what was given to me with my birth, I'll be made to give it up for a new identity which will belong to my husband. If I'm lucky enough he'll cherish having me in his life and if not, he'll be just another ungrateful chap I'll have. And this time I'll be living the nightmare instead of feeling sorry for another woman.

I see nothing wrong with wishing to achieve something in life while I'm still my dad's daughter and not somebody's wife. I want people to recognize me as a daughter who made her father proud and not a wife who owes her success to her husband. Why? I owe it to my father because he made me what I am today and not my husband. Why should I owe it to my husband? Because he may give me a chance to be something and not bind me. I'll definitely be thankful to him but I'd still like my father to get the credit for all his hard work he put in, for all the sleepless nights my mother had and not my husband.

While I'm with my parents, society would be concerned with what I'm doing with my life if not getting married. Once married, the society won't bother what I did but will be concerned with how my new family is treating me.

Being a girl equals no need for a career. If I'm over 25, working and unmarried, it very easily gives a delusion to the society that I work to support my parents financially and I'm looked up to as poor girl sacrificing her life for the sake of aiding her parents. Sigh!

What am I going to get out of this whole debate!? Satisfaction, that I got an opportunity when I had time. Or regret that I couldn't make things work when I had time.

I am, too

I'm bad with routes, doesn't mean I can't guide you

I'm not open, doesn't mean I'm blocked

I'm younger, doesn't mean I'm lesser

I haven't seen the world as much as you, doesn't mean I can't deal with it

I don't talk like you, doesn't raise a question about my intellect

My strength doesn't mean I'll never need your care

X. X. X.

The mindset in our society is very bleak. We get married to have sex, we have sex to have kids so in turn, we get married to have kids for the society.. The guy gets married to have licensed legal sex and girls get married for the acclaimed sense of security!! The other day I was reading an article on Huffingtonpost about why do Indian men stare at women. At the end of the article, the answer was quite simple and thoughtful, because ours is a sexually deprived society; it is seen only as a mean to have kids and not to share the bond of love. Women are seen as nothing but source of having kids and meant only for sex, not for love or appreciation!

That is one of the reasons that the rate of rapes is too high in our country in every city. Some cases get the highlight and some don't.

 

People exploit their wives sexually to the limit that they look for sexual excitement outwards ogling at other women including teen girls.

Someone sent me a message today which said something from an advertisement: "Try different positions with the same woman instead of trying the same position with many women."

Advantages of being single...

* You can go out and have good time with your friends even if it's just for an hour without having to worry about being answerable to someone that why didn't you spend the time with them.

* You save a lot of money that you would have otherwise spent on dates or gifts maybe.

* You get a lot more family time with your own family.

* You don't have to spend your time with his friends if you don't like them.

* You need not plan anything hypothetical with him and have some real fun time with your friends and family whenever you want.

* You don't have to wait on anyone to do things you want, when it may not mean anything to him/ her but is precious for you and you would love to share it with your partner.

* You don't have to try hard to please his/ her family when they don't like you.

* Your friends will no longer complain that you don't have time for them.

* You can abuse or drink or smoke whenever you want to without him or her badgering you.

Simple Mantra to follow: You gotta do, what you wanna do!

PS: It's nothing out of frustration of a failed relationship but my observation of a lot many relationships I've seen around myself, some successful, some struggling and some failed. :D

Tryst with trust

For many, trust is cognitive dissonance, they trust but they are insecure at the same time. They value their relationship but they can't help feeling jealous from most of the unimportant things around. You can simply accept a few things in a relationship the way they are instead of trying to get to the roots of why is it so. It is more important to accept it and go along with it. If you dig in too much in the past, you will only be left with ugly truths, things that don't matter anymore will affect your love. Confrontations and embarrassments only expend energy and serve to destroy a partnership. Why let grief weaken a love bond?

Some don't realize it until it's too late that their suspicion is causing lack of space in the relationship. Sometimes things work out on the outer layer but underneath the seed of lack of trust has been sown and a sense of insecurity creeps in for the other one. Sometimes things work out perfectly making the bonds stronger but if exposed in an ugly manner, the relationship is left as a subject of humility. If someone chooses to present only his or her positives, why insist on discovering anything lesser? It is enough to be aware.

Insecurities and bad experiences encourage us to mistrust everything, and try to get to the 'invisible' truth. Some things need to be taken at face value. People haggle over prices not because they can not afford it, but because they fear being cheated; they do not trust. Nobody likes being taken for a ride, be it business transactions or relationships. It is a vicious circle; the more lies and corruption we see around us, the more likely we are to distrust. But if we keep suspecting and doubting people, we are slowly eroding the trust and mutual faith from the society that is the basis of any relationship. Tourists don't trust Indians because they have a belief that every one of us will loot them. It may be true to a great extent but is everyone the same! You need to take the risk of putting the trust in some to make a special bond. The other day I was traveling in metro and I saw an old lady struggling with her baggage. I offered her a hand which denied very politely but she couldn't hide the suspicion out of the look that she gave me. It was discomforting and disrespectful but it made me think about the kind of society we live in. You won't discover new until you step out of your comfort zone, comfort of trusting the renowned. How we buy the stuff from a known brand without judging the quality we get because we are comfortable with the fact that their price is same for everyone and we will not be cheated.

We are aware of couples around us who trust their loved ones and allow the space; they are no less possessive, loving or less jealous than others. They are probably more mature and understand the consequences of doubts, suspicions and questions, they understand if they do not allow that space they are likely to lose those to whom they cling with such obsession. A close hug is reassuring; a very tight one, choking.

The character of Sadhavi in the book "See Paris for me" realizes her unfulfilled needs in her marriage when she meets Kanav, an artist whom she connects with intellectually. But her love for her husband and son, her husband's trust brings her back to the ground reality and she comes back with stronger love and deeper trust in her marriage. She wasn't in a relationship with Kanav but mental bonding with another man seemed wrong. She felt like a cheat, after all only physical connection isn't cheating, connecting with someone emotionally is cheating too. I was reading an article in the newspaper once about emotional cheating. There was also a quote by Sandra Bullock that said that infidelity is not the only form of cheating, the worst is emotional cheating.

We should allow our instincts and faith to lead us. Of course this doesn't mean you get taken for several rides through life. If it is unfair to live with suspicion, it is unforgivable to accept unfairness and live with lies. Allow doubts to raise their head only if you have reason to nurture them. Make an honest trust pact to stay happy, you will realize that a lot of clutter and noise will vanish to leave you smiling and peaceful.

Where is my security!?

Today on my way to work while I was waiting in the queue to put my bags through metro security check, I noticed a tourist woman who took bags from her younger counterpart and asked her to move onto the front to collect the bags. Their lack of trust in our security pricked me but I shrugged it off thinking we can't change their mindset about our country. We moved forward and I picked my bags too from the machine. They were joined by two men from the other queue and were still walking close because of the crowd. What happened next really moved me and pushed me to think about the image they carry of our city rather than country.  I saw the woman pulling the girl ahead of her and the men, asking her to cover her revealed shoulders and back.

Is the image they are carrying not true? Is our mindset correct towards women? What are we doing to provide safety to these insecure tourists, to improve conditions for our own women? Are these tourists really safe here?

Will we continue getting raped, harassed, ogled at; every second that we step out in the world, will we always be vulnerable, made to feel fragile even when we are not! It's a question that will always be there like a demon on our heads to which there never will be any answer. As long as women won't speak up, men won't stand up for every women being harassed, we as citizens won't do anything to protect our own women; nothing will change.

Gone are the days when I used to be proud to be a part of Delhi. Today, I am ashamed to be from the city known for its unsafe streets for women and ever rising rape cases.

Mid 20s crisis

Gone are the days when age crisis was limited to puberty, menopause, mid-40s and other prominent stages in a person's life when the body undergoes hormonal changes. Nowadays, we also have mid-20s crisis with emotional and psychological changes happening.

This is the threshold between the growing man and the grown man. With growing competition and tough-to-make place in market, when academic life ends and professional life begins and we enter the real mean world, a zillion thoughts cross our mind and we undergo multiple mood swings, depression like state and frustration. You think:

* About a third of my life is over and I have not really done anything with it. Spent a part of it growing up, some of it trying to figure out what to do and some running around trying to make it work.

* Of traveling the world like there's no tomorrow.

 

* You are going bald.

* Stuck in your job.

* You have suddenly all grown up with the responsibilities.

* All of your friends are getting married and you will get married too soon having your own family.

* You have attained the ultimate knowledge and should go to mountains to meditate now.

* After a failed love affair, the concept of love is faltering and is for college students.

* You have made a wrong career choice and feel aimless out of nowhere.

* Binging is your savior.

* You are worthless.

* You should get back to childhood and do things you've missed

* Partying with your friends is the only escape.

* Your skin has lost its glow and charm so you start using all sorts of products and often consult your dermatologist.

Instead of brooding over what's done and what can't be changed. enjoy the moment and make the most of your mid 20s because just like you get one childhood, this is your time to feel grown up while feeling all too young! Lay back and relax!! ;)

Do prince charmings exist???

Who is a Prince Charming?

A guy who is as handsome as a Greek God, as strong as Hulk, cute and funny like the guy next door, caring like the father, protective like Captain America's shield, loving like the God of love himself and last but the most important is who pampers you like you are the only princess alive.

It would have been larger than life if it came with life long guarantee!!

Now the question is if it is real at all or just fiction?

Prince Charming is the guy who will respectfully and willfully stay a step behind his girl's father and won't strive to be ahead of him.

He is the guy who will respect his girl and wouldn't even imagine hurting her in any way, mental or physical. He will respect the fact that she is willing to quit the life she has had for a major part of her living which can be about one-third. He will willingly make some changes in his life to provide her some comfort considering that she is turning her life upside down for him.

There are a few fictional excerpts that also end up putting you in dilemma. Edward Cullen from Twilight series and Christian Grey from Fifty Shades series are definitely the prefect examples of dream-come-true princes. While they are ideally perfect, ironically neither of them have perfect lives. Edward is a vampire who is drawn towards human girl, on the other hand, Christian fell for a total mess with his dark past.

Following extract from Ahmed Ali's Twilight in Delhi, tell us just the opposite that there is nothing like a perfect guy:

But love had died in his heart. Why had he been in love with her, he thought, and why had he become indifferent to her? She had loved him and adored him, perhaps. Why did he not feel anything for her? What is love, after all? Does the charm of a woman lie merely in her graceful ways, or in her confessions of love? Yet the moths tower round a candle flame, scorch their wings and are burnt to ashes and dust. They also love the light and sacrifice their lives for it. Wasn't she sacrificing her life for him? Didn't she love him silently like the moths the candle flame?

Prince Charming is that fictitious character that is just too good to be real but there are a few lucky ones out there who have had the chance of meeting them.